AkImA No NiKkI

So it's the first week of my final semester as a degree TESL student. I'll be soon swamped with assignments and deadlines and meetings with my supervisor about my AE, or otherwise known as thesis or FYP (final year project). Granted, I hope I will be able to finish it on time and graduate on time without problems.  Aaaaaand I just jinxed myself.  Great. We're going on a great start, y'all. My new renthouse is situated on level four this semester, though luckily I got somewhere within the same apartment compound and the same block so I don't have to re-familiarize myself with the environment. But the whole level four thing is really huge because my legs are still cramping and I'm out of breath like an asthmatic person by the time I reach my house.  No joke, I actually cried a little thinking when I had to lug all of my shit when I moved in. Without the help of the contractor -he came over to have me sign tenant contract and shit, I would've probab...

Cohabitation with other people who aren't your family is strange. I mean, naturally, right? That much is obvious. But I don't know how to describe it. It's not like it's giving me problems, or discomfort. Rather, each of us are just living at our own pace while sharing a place. Knowing the bare minimum about each other, and communicating when purely necessary. Occasionally, we get irked by each other's habits, though showing no verbal distaste of it for the sake of keeping the peace, we get by. Even using "we" somehow feels like a unnatural context, because we are strangers sharing a space. It made me think how awesome it'd be to have my own place, living alone. I usually don't cook, but when I was living on campus, it was a violation. Somehow living here still feels like I'm on campus, without the HEP bullshit. I still don't cook, two of my other housemates do (probably because they're the ones who lived here first and are u...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

So I didn't exactly keep that last post up to date, huh. Well, here I am. Nearly 2 weeks later. Ha. The trip to the hospital was fine. I took a close classmate with me because one, I'm hella scared and not ashamed to admit it, and two, it's been my policy to always have a viable witness in case anything happens. Not that anything's gonna happen, but just in case. * shrug * I'm paranoid like that. At first the nurse at the counter was pissed at me 'cause we didn't make an early appointment and treated an expert facility like a walk-in try-out when I gave her the referral letter but she got quiet after reading the letter and asked us to sit somewhere while she ask for available professors. I didn't read the letter when I got it and my classmate couldn't read the doc's handwriting (I could, it's a bit like Mom's) but I happened to read snippets of sentences as the letter was passed around to me in the process of getting my informati...

Finally, some freakin' break! Or well, I couldn't really call it a break, more like, a necessary halt. Funny how seeing the same doctor twice can make them see right through your bluff. Or maybe having a panic attack causing your body to cramp in the sick bays work too. Newsflash : I'm being medically referred to a legal psychiatrist in Sgai Buloh Hospital tomorrow morning by UK (unit kesihatan) as per the doctor who diagnosed me insisted. It started off with just your regular run-off-the-mill panic attacks, really. It's not like they're out of the ordinary in my routine. But I guess at this age, they start to take a toll on your body (it sounds like I'm middle-aged or something..) and my body cramps really fucking bad throughout two nights leaving me with less than half an hour sleep and shit-ton of work and presentation to do. ( no, I'm not on my period .) Last I slept was the half an hour on Tuesday afternoon. After Friday morning's class, ...