AkImA No NiKkI

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself. Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that.  I have  moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they ...

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at ...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

[She was watching Jack before bed, trying to finish the Edith Finch series gameplay, but it 5 minutes after midnight and she should really go to bed before she screws up her hard-earned sleep schedule. She went about in her daily ministrations, and settled under the blanket with a soft sigh in the dark. She was really happy today.] The ledger, you called it? Really? How much more obvious can you get?   [she opened her eyes, brows scrunching confusedly at the ceiling.] what? You couldn't admit to Amelia that you were scared. You called it the ledger. Well done for the analogy to Black Widow. Only, Nat puts her targets profiles in there. You put the names of people you hurt, one way or the other. [she turned sideways, feeling her head began to spin. Slowly, she feels her chest constrict.] What's this about? People in the past stays in the past for a reason. Amelia calls me out on my shit for justifying myself a lot but there are reasons for certain things to be as the...

My insomnia is acting up again. I've taken two sleeping pills yesterday morning and last night, yet the only hours I've been able to sleep is 3 this morning from 7-9. I promised my psychiatrist that I'll only take them if I hadn't gotten any sleep more than 24 hours and now my head is kicking up a storm. I wonder if it'd be superstitious to say it'd have something related with the dream of mirrors I had couple of days ago. I'm starting to think the dream of mirrors were dragged up by the most recent void memory being surfaced. Maybe it's a reaction. God, I don't know. There were similarities. Maybe my head cocked up a dream from what it interpreted as a hey-you-got-a-memory-back-here's-a-gift thing. I saw 14 years old me like a mirror with a reflection that wasn't truly mine eventhough I feel her as myself and the dream...turned it sinister, even when I considered the coming-back memory a positive one despite what it entailed. Why...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

I just arrived at college this morning straight from Banting, Selangor from a classmate's house after staying there for 2 days and 2 nights, filming scenes for our Lit&Media movie project. It was fun and tiring and memorable all at once and I love that I'll be able to have these memories. But as soon as I got back to my room, a depressive mood sets in. Roomie left to her brother's house in KL because we have Monday off. To be honest, it was probably something unwittingly mentioned by me during our stay in Banting. I didn't even know why it came out of my mouth, it just..did. And it was too late to take it back by the time they acknowledged it and, well, I held off the gloomy funk until the filming is over. Sometimes, little tidbits of things before The Incident came through without me realizing it, things that I didn't even remember had happened until after I said it. A pair of thick arms caging me in on top of me. Whispers of words. Fleeting snake-like t...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...