AkImA No NiKkI

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

Hello. Update, I've been having a couple of near episodes these few days. They're not big enough to crumple me but neither are they small enough for me to ignore. I haven't have had one of those in quite a while, have I? Well, I suppose it's time to remedy that. What better way to do it with a major trigger? With a direct link to the place where everything started, no less. For anyone who isn't familiar with the term "triggers", I'll explain it as simple as I could. Triggers are mainly anything that could shock someone with...mental illness, shall we say, back to their worst memories. They're basically small things that remind you of the events that caused you the illness in the first place. It could be a song, a word, a sentence, a face, an object, an event, etc etc etc. Triggers send them back when wars are happening, guns being shot, screams being drawn. For me, they send me back to her hands. First things first, is everyon...

Mom went to Vietnam with few of my uncles and aunts, leaving Dad on babysitting duty of Mia and Mukhlis. I don't remember for how long, probably just a few days because I probably get this trait of constantly worrying over the house when being far away from her. I suppose it explains his sudden sentimentality 2 nights ago on the family group whatsapp. It was right in the middle of my final drama practice LOL. Talk about the thing, I'm finally done and over with it. There's still one presentation called Reader's Theatre but that's a class performance so I wouldn't think about it too much. Next, we get to focus on the drama class's novel, Inspector Calls. Finally. Ah, I just watched Tonari no Kaibutsu and yes, I know it's a shoujo anime. I was interested in it because of the heroine's character, Mizutani Shizuku. She reminds me of...well, me. I used to be like that too. Never caring about those of no concern to me, practically emotionless thr...

It's a novel for Language & Drama and one thing I'm sure, it's deep . It's close to most of the stuff I usually read at home -regards of the crap-shit of society and views of the world in many different eyes and all. I frown and sneer a lot when I read it. Especially after Charlie got smart. In a way, it wasn't wrong that he wanted to fit in, wanted to understand, for once in his life, but the attitude he picked up after it was, in a word, disagreeable. His logic was no less of a crap than the normal people out there. Yes, intelligence is admirable, but it doesn't change your status as a human being . Dumb, smart, genius, moron, evil, good, neutral, we're all human . Just because someone's not smart, doesn't mean he's bad. And just because someone's smarter than average, doesn't mean he's a saint. We're allowed to have opinions, but careful to never judge because we are not in any place to do so. We are fellow hu...

I don't remember when did I start to stop caring whether or not people paid attention to me. Thus I ceased to pay attention to them because I believed in equality. Though I struggled for my sister's when I was young (the one she remembers as the abso-freakin-lutely annoying brat who keeps getting in her way and ruining her plans and destroying her teenage life-I remember she used to call me idiotic names that hurt even though I didn't quite understand what it means at that time-and sometimes still do when we fight) , I grew out of it and learned to accept what she's willing to give instead.  After a few years of high school and leaving the sides of my other half, Faqihah , the pressure of bottling up was turning into a horrible burden on me.  I didn't look for willing ears to listen nor any supposedly-willing shoulders to cry on but all the same, I was easier to spill when a concerned person decided to drill them out. I was never a people person, that muc...

I'm panicking.Yes,I am panicking. My heart is jackrabbit-ing in my chest and my head keeps coming up with the proper song to describe this feeling.I feel constricted.Like there's not enough space inside of me to press this swelling.This swelling called "panic". I'm leaving.That's it. It's like boarding school all over again.Sending me away,and coming back for the holidays.I'm going away.For real. I suppose I should get used to it.And I know I will,soon because I'm an easy adapter.But the thought of leaving has always been unnerving to me. 'Leaving' means a lot of things. Maybe it's not so much as leaving as the location where I am to be sent.I mean,KB wasn't a big deal since I was still in the same state as home but Selangor is a whole different deal.That's half a day away from home. Being away stings on the first few weeks,I know. I've experienced it before.Boarding school for a year,remember?? Back then ...

Two more days. I will be registering as a TESL student in UiTM Shah Alam,Selangor,Kuala Lumpur. Yesterday,I spent the afternoon with my 'family' .I went with Mom and Onee-san and my baby brother and sister and promised to meet the both of them at the mall. It's been so long.2 years since I last saw them. I snuck into SMKIP when I was 15 once.My school was on early leave and SMKIP wasn't so I had a plan to infiltrate.It was fairly easy because I chose a non-studying day.I met Wa and then slept at Qie's house for three days. Yesterday,I was so happy . I can't remember the last time I felt so   genuinely ha pp y.The bubbly feeling in my chest makes me understand why authors refer it to 'as if floating in the air' .It feels like it.Like you're soaring above the sky. Qie brought her two little brothers because she can't seem to leave them elsewhere and it's become a habit over the few months at home to bring them everywhere.I didn't...

I know that Faqie and I have a 'link' .My biology teacher once said that when two people join their hearts together in a bond,it's the closest thing you can get to being telepathic. I can seem to sense when she is hurt or even when she have nightmares. Horrible ones that counts. That haunts even after we wake up. And she can do the same. It was stronger when we were younger because our feelings were strong and not effected by the flows of time and distance apart. Eventhough I am a realist by nature,I have my own world,created when I was a child.A sanctuary,where I can be nobody but myself without being judged by any sides. Where I can be alone. Until I met Faqie. She created a 'door' and effortlessly takes her place beside me.That feeling of when I first met her,like something finally clicked into it's rightful place never fails to stun me into silence. Then it became our world. OUR world. I know that it was only Faqie who got in on her...

Lately,I've been taking midday naps.Believe me,it was not premeditated.After Lone Wolf ,I started re-reading all the thriller and horror books we owned.I suppose the feeling of survival counters loneliness. The tears I shed last night sufficed. For the loss of one friendship. One love . One friend . I held onto her long enough.She is no longer within my grasp,therefore it is only right that I take a step back and blend into the shadows ,before she met me. I had a dream this afternoon. I felt my eyes fluttered open and my sight was presented with pitch black darkness .I crouched and pressed my palm flat on the surface,to make sure I was standing upright and not the opposite.The soft feeling of trimmed grass tickled my palm. I stretched my arms forward blindly,searching for guidance as I shuffled in the dark .I was wearing shoes,at least. After a while,a faint luminescence glows around me,like that feeling when you walked out of a dark place into a glowing surrounding. ...

Sometimes I forget. She is the normal side of our secluded friendship. That she does not feel the same way Qie and I do. That time and distance means something to her. I've always thought...t-thought that,nothing could change us.Our friendship.Our world.Our links.It has always been just..there.Effortlessly. I forget..t-that..Even as Qie and I haven't changed as much.. She did . It's just..It never occurred to me before that she..wouldn't feel the same way about us anymore. That time could change her . I've always been hers..Yet now it seemed,that she was no longer mine. It feels like a punch to my chest,realizing that of the one things that I hold on dearly to my heart has been lost to me.My air feels choked. My throat clogs with heavy lumps,giving me that familiar sinking feeling. My chest feels winded as a choked laugh burst surprisingly from my lips,the sound bitter and raw even to my own ears. I was shocked. Shocked..When I realized,that I'v...

Sometimes I think fast-reading could be a disadvantage at times.I mean,if I finish the books too fast I'm gonna be out of them in no time! (>x<") I finished P.Bosch's It's Not What It Looks Like two days after I got home from the festival and Jodi Picoult's The Storyteller later on.I'm down to Jodi's latest book, Lone Wolf and after that,no more! Gaaaahhh. *groans* I love P.Bosch's books. >3 They're so creative.I want to find his next book, Write Your Own Book that was released May 2013 I think.Not to give spoilers but M.E is really obvious.LOL I wonder what happened to Cass and Yo-Yoji after they graduated.Shall a new budding romance commence?? LOL (lol romance commence,M.E would've liked that.) And Jodi deserves her gold star winning awesome author award.Her books are marvellous ,I tell you.Based on family loyalties and the understanding of each role in every person's life,it almost feels like everything was happening...

It's true. Making the person you love laugh is the best thing in the world. I absolutely 110% second that notion. Why?  Well,duh. Laughter are medicine.They literally and emotionally make you feel better,unless you're related to the Grinch. I for one,love to make people I love laugh.For someone like me to purposefully make fool of myself just to hear their laughter and watch them scrunch their faces cutely,forming laugh lines around their eyes speaks a lot. One of the reasons I love my moments at SMKIP.During preps,I would tell them stories once we're done with homeworks.Stories that made them laugh so hard,Hidayah and Faqie fell out of their chairs gasping with mirth on the floor. I smiled for days after that one.Seniors and batchmates alike stared at us but nothing mattered for us.Hearing them laugh was mesmerizing and nothing else in the world mattered. The twins will be Qie and me of course. Before bed,I would tell Qie a story until she nods off on my ...

From now,it's another 12 hours. Gahh.Waiting is painful.But then again,like everything,it has it's good side.I get to look forward to it.Can't say I'm particularly fond of surprises but it's obviously something to expect. Well..One thing for sure,Onee-san won't make it in time.Douyara,she's not coming home yet.But,it's just getting my results,right? It's not that important. So,I won't mind this one. Kedo..If,if God wills it,I get good scores,I want her to be here.Home. Just like Mom and Dad,she's a very important person to me.Why else would I sometimes put up with her ridiculous ideas? Like marrying me off to her bestfriend.Yes,that would be a topic for a looonnggg time. Qie and Wa,I'll keep in touch with them too. Because my daughter is a natural genius,I'm pretty sure she'll make it alright.And even if she didn't,I wouldn't love her any less.It's just numbers on a paper,deshou? LOL And Wa,my beautiful ang...

Yeah,it's my birthday. Happy birthday to me!  I wanted to wake up early and give Mom and Dad a kiss for this special day especially Mom but they left early and I was too groggy from sleep to be conscious. My stomach kinda hurts and I went back to sleep after I locked the door.I vaguely remember the sounds of the show Wizards Vs Aliens and the Mystery Inc. from the TV as I drifted on and off in my sleep. Scott Haran was inevitably cute.Hahaha~ Well,seeing as I'm officially 18 now - not that it makes any difference,it's just a number,I guess - I suppose I had nothing more to expect. So,once again,happy bloody birthday to me.

It doesn't matter.I'm fine. Anything doesn't matter anymore.It's -this- is not angst or anything like that,I'm way over that now.Teenage thing doesn't suit me anymore.Isn't that's what growing up is about? Like clothes.You buy the ones that fits and over time,they won't anymore.You buy new clothes that fits you better. I guess I'm on my own now.Of course I've seen it coming,despite my strong belief that we'll always be together,that we will each move on with our lives.We make our own decisions now,what we want and what we could and should have. There's the easy decisions and the hard ones. Taking the easy way may seem a pathetic exit but it's awfully convenient.Wallowing is so troublesome and it's psychologically proven dangerous to mental and physical health.I've always preferred to quickly move on with things that upsets me. What's the use dragging it out,right? No use torturing yourself for no good reason.I...

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY NIK NUR SAFFWATI AZWA ~~!!! XDD Wow.Can't believe she's eighteen already.It seems almost yesterday that the three of us were entangled together on Qie's bed reading comics.So nostalgic. I still remember the very first day I set my eyes on her.The image of her standing by the balcony,so beautiful I was rendered speechless for a moment.I knew she was the new girl rumored through the senior groups. Watching her sad face made my heart twist uncomfortably and I did what I normally don't do with people.I talk to them. Till now,I'm still grateful for the day I struck a conversation with her.When I introduced her to Qie,how Qie grew to love her just as much as I do. We never spent a moment away from each other ever since.No matter that I transferred to my hometown,because it still feel like they are by my side. How we started to become a family of our own.She became my wife,and Qie became our daughter.I love them both so,so muc...

sooo I was thinking, (don't strain yourself.) -oh,har de bloody har,shut up you stupid mind - maybe I should cut some slack on the coffee.Lately I've been having trouble sleeping.It's kinda weird,normally it does nothing to my sleep cycle.Maybe it's catching up in my system. I miss Qie and Wa .I've started my driving lessons though I still have a long way to go.I promised Qie I'll come over soon as I get my license.Don't want to cut it too close to March,you see.There's not much time left. Onee-san is going back this afternoon and God,please help me because that stupid shit will be schooling close to home which means he's either going to SMK TM1 or SMK TM2 .God,grant me strength .Pretty sure I'll soon would rather blow my head than spend another minute under the same roof with him - that shit. the Big Bad Wolf Book Festival was great! xDD we bought tons of books and a pair of Big Bad Wolf tee-shirts.It's currently my favourite. x33 I...

I've been known to throw careless terms of endearments around my..acquaintances.Girls,especially,because I kind of had in mind of a picture of girly feminine females when it comes to normal non-otaku female acquaintances.So far no one called me on it,because between us,that's hardly weird. When I started shipping Stony,I recognized(and quite enjoyed the fluff of it) how Tony casually throws the word "honey" and "sweetheart" to Steve and damn if it's not the cutest most lovable thing I've ever read in my life.I love it when he does that-calls Steve sweet names that is.It's so cute. xD Usually I don't start it on purpose unless the other party initiates.Sometimes,it just rolls off of my tongue.Well,as far as I'm concerned,Dibah insisted calling me-I don't know how or   when or what gorged her mind to even think of that nickname- "princess" no matter how many times I tried to change it down.I've had weird nicknames bef...

Promises are hard to keep though they are easily broken. Some promises were even meant to BE broken just like lies are made to cover the truth. I always tell people to never make promises they can't keep because it's fucking bullshit to clean up the mess later and I try my best to not make any.And even if I do,that's because I believe I'll try my damnedest to keep it. I don't make a lot of promises,but the ones I had had not yet been broken. I promised I'd make Mom and Dad happy. I promised to love my family before any other human. I promised Wa and Qie we'd stay together. And that was it,so far.