AkImA No NiKkI

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

Hello. Update, I've been having a couple of near episodes these few days. They're not big enough to crumple me but neither are they small enough for me to ignore. I haven't have had one of those in quite a while, have I? Well, I suppose it's time to remedy that. What better way to do it with a major trigger? With a direct link to the place where everything started, no less. For anyone who isn't familiar with the term "triggers", I'll explain it as simple as I could. Triggers are mainly anything that could shock someone with...mental illness, shall we say, back to their worst memories. They're basically small things that remind you of the events that caused you the illness in the first place. It could be a song, a word, a sentence, a face, an object, an event, etc etc etc. Triggers send them back when wars are happening, guns being shot, screams being drawn. For me, they send me back to her hands. First things first, is everyon...

Yesterday I was strolling through YouTube for some acting lessons which was arguably foolish. I thought they had tutorials for this gig. Apparently my manly acts aren't manly enough, or at least, not the right kind of manly we're looking for my character. Somehow, someway, I ended up looking at introvert-related vids. I really like them because I could comment and like and just nod very understandingly according to experience.  Some people are introverts because they're naturally shy or nervous.  I just hate people. I love the one with the myths about introverts from BuzzFeed vids. Their cartoons are so adorable! xDD It's true. I support this. Right now, my circle of friends are just Amelia, Irene, and Kei. My daughter are included in the family section. The rest are grouped in either the acquaintance section or someone-I-know section. I'm not shy or timid or any of those stuff. I play (or used to play) sports and have quite a number of roles dur...

Mom went to Vietnam with few of my uncles and aunts, leaving Dad on babysitting duty of Mia and Mukhlis. I don't remember for how long, probably just a few days because I probably get this trait of constantly worrying over the house when being far away from her. I suppose it explains his sudden sentimentality 2 nights ago on the family group whatsapp. It was right in the middle of my final drama practice LOL. Talk about the thing, I'm finally done and over with it. There's still one presentation called Reader's Theatre but that's a class performance so I wouldn't think about it too much. Next, we get to focus on the drama class's novel, Inspector Calls. Finally. Ah, I just watched Tonari no Kaibutsu and yes, I know it's a shoujo anime. I was interested in it because of the heroine's character, Mizutani Shizuku. She reminds me of...well, me. I used to be like that too. Never caring about those of no concern to me, practically emotionless thr...

Never let it be said that I don't learn from my mistakes. I don't always have a crush, but when I do, it's almost funny. LOL I had another terrible breakdown during posting the last post and I reached out to Amelia when I felt like I could no longer hold myself together.  It was probably dumb but sort of smart thing to do. Amelia does what she always do when I have my breakdowns. She pulls me into a hug and sang to me. It was something Luchia had always done, and always works. I know it sounds like I had replaced her but it's not like that. Luchia will always be my daughter and princess, but she's not here now. Like I am not there for her. We talked, Amelia and I, and after calming down, I rummaged my locker and gave her the scissors I- um, never mind. I only wanted her to keep it away, throw it or whatever, but she suggested we bury it under the ground. So we did. I haven't had any more cutting urges since then. I don't know about the break...

It's a novel for Language & Drama and one thing I'm sure, it's deep . It's close to most of the stuff I usually read at home -regards of the crap-shit of society and views of the world in many different eyes and all. I frown and sneer a lot when I read it. Especially after Charlie got smart. In a way, it wasn't wrong that he wanted to fit in, wanted to understand, for once in his life, but the attitude he picked up after it was, in a word, disagreeable. His logic was no less of a crap than the normal people out there. Yes, intelligence is admirable, but it doesn't change your status as a human being . Dumb, smart, genius, moron, evil, good, neutral, we're all human . Just because someone's not smart, doesn't mean he's bad. And just because someone's smarter than average, doesn't mean he's a saint. We're allowed to have opinions, but careful to never judge because we are not in any place to do so. We are fellow hu...

I used to jolt awake whenever I have nightmares and stare expressionlessly at the wall until I fell asleep again. Sometimes I find myself having a hard time breathing. It's just something that nightmares do. The wound had long since sealed itself into a scar . But somehow when I say 'scar' ,the image that pops into my head was one of a stitched scar instead of the usual skin-pulled-taut-together one. I stitched it myself,one by one,night by night,as time prolongs. I don't like to think about it,preferring to let it fade into the past where it so clearly belongs. Yet as the scar exists, it didn't seem like my mind would be in peace any soon. As I open the stitches back in order to let the skin properly heal,the nightmares came back in full thrust. Now,I jolt awake from them,sobbing. I miss home.I miss Mom and Dad.I miss Onee-san.I miss Mukhlis-and later stuff his head into the toilet and flush him for reasons that shall not be stated.I miss Mia.I miss ...

For the first time in my life, I was praised for being strong. All this time, it was only assumed and registered at the back of their heads, knowing but never actually acknowledging. I knew what I am, though I never gave myself much thought. "You are strong. You just don't give yourself enough credit for it." All my life, I was expected to be strong. To stand up on my own and survive. I've been taught to live up to that, and I do. I had breakdowns, and nightmares, and all kinds of demons crawling in my head, but what makes me strong, is that I continue to stand up and walk again after every of each. Sometimes it takes years, and sometimes it takes days. Depends on which demons. "Don't be too hard on yourself." . I find the strength to go on from my family, and most of all, from God. Especially Onee-san, who has her own demons to deal with. The thought that drives me when it comes to her is that, 'I have to be strong for both of us....

I don't remember when did I start to stop caring whether or not people paid attention to me. Thus I ceased to pay attention to them because I believed in equality. Though I struggled for my sister's when I was young (the one she remembers as the abso-freakin-lutely annoying brat who keeps getting in her way and ruining her plans and destroying her teenage life-I remember she used to call me idiotic names that hurt even though I didn't quite understand what it means at that time-and sometimes still do when we fight) , I grew out of it and learned to accept what she's willing to give instead.  After a few years of high school and leaving the sides of my other half, Faqihah , the pressure of bottling up was turning into a horrible burden on me.  I didn't look for willing ears to listen nor any supposedly-willing shoulders to cry on but all the same, I was easier to spill when a concerned person decided to drill them out. I was never a people person, that muc...

I'm panicking.Yes,I am panicking. My heart is jackrabbit-ing in my chest and my head keeps coming up with the proper song to describe this feeling.I feel constricted.Like there's not enough space inside of me to press this swelling.This swelling called "panic". I'm leaving.That's it. It's like boarding school all over again.Sending me away,and coming back for the holidays.I'm going away.For real. I suppose I should get used to it.And I know I will,soon because I'm an easy adapter.But the thought of leaving has always been unnerving to me. 'Leaving' means a lot of things. Maybe it's not so much as leaving as the location where I am to be sent.I mean,KB wasn't a big deal since I was still in the same state as home but Selangor is a whole different deal.That's half a day away from home. Being away stings on the first few weeks,I know. I've experienced it before.Boarding school for a year,remember?? Back then ...

Two more days. I will be registering as a TESL student in UiTM Shah Alam,Selangor,Kuala Lumpur. Yesterday,I spent the afternoon with my 'family' .I went with Mom and Onee-san and my baby brother and sister and promised to meet the both of them at the mall. It's been so long.2 years since I last saw them. I snuck into SMKIP when I was 15 once.My school was on early leave and SMKIP wasn't so I had a plan to infiltrate.It was fairly easy because I chose a non-studying day.I met Wa and then slept at Qie's house for three days. Yesterday,I was so happy . I can't remember the last time I felt so   genuinely ha pp y.The bubbly feeling in my chest makes me understand why authors refer it to 'as if floating in the air' .It feels like it.Like you're soaring above the sky. Qie brought her two little brothers because she can't seem to leave them elsewhere and it's become a habit over the few months at home to bring them everywhere.I didn't...

Needless to say,a death has occurred in a link of my family.A father of my ex classmate from my primary school has passed away due to a heart attack. He was a teacher at Daddy's school,therefore a friend of his. I was never a good talker in important moments,often ruining them by saying something random or blunt or insensitive so all the way to her house,I kept my mouth shut.Mom taught our class for a good 2-4 years so she is well known by my ex classmates. It seems even though my lips were sealed tight,my brains geared up vicariously more than ever.I thought of her grief,and how she would be handling it. I wouldn't know what to say or what to do because I've never been close to any of my childhood classmates.I was mostly keeping to myself and sleeping at the back of the class.Sometimes I would defend myself and few others just for the sake of it when kids from other classes bothered us but that was it. Whatever we say could not possibly measure up to her pain and ...

Lately,I've been taking midday naps.Believe me,it was not premeditated.After Lone Wolf ,I started re-reading all the thriller and horror books we owned.I suppose the feeling of survival counters loneliness. The tears I shed last night sufficed. For the loss of one friendship. One love . One friend . I held onto her long enough.She is no longer within my grasp,therefore it is only right that I take a step back and blend into the shadows ,before she met me. I had a dream this afternoon. I felt my eyes fluttered open and my sight was presented with pitch black darkness .I crouched and pressed my palm flat on the surface,to make sure I was standing upright and not the opposite.The soft feeling of trimmed grass tickled my palm. I stretched my arms forward blindly,searching for guidance as I shuffled in the dark .I was wearing shoes,at least. After a while,a faint luminescence glows around me,like that feeling when you walked out of a dark place into a glowing surrounding. ...

Sometimes I forget. She is the normal side of our secluded friendship. That she does not feel the same way Qie and I do. That time and distance means something to her. I've always thought...t-thought that,nothing could change us.Our friendship.Our world.Our links.It has always been just..there.Effortlessly. I forget..t-that..Even as Qie and I haven't changed as much.. She did . It's just..It never occurred to me before that she..wouldn't feel the same way about us anymore. That time could change her . I've always been hers..Yet now it seemed,that she was no longer mine. It feels like a punch to my chest,realizing that of the one things that I hold on dearly to my heart has been lost to me.My air feels choked. My throat clogs with heavy lumps,giving me that familiar sinking feeling. My chest feels winded as a choked laugh burst surprisingly from my lips,the sound bitter and raw even to my own ears. I was shocked. Shocked..When I realized,that I'v...

Sometimes I think fast-reading could be a disadvantage at times.I mean,if I finish the books too fast I'm gonna be out of them in no time! (>x<") I finished P.Bosch's It's Not What It Looks Like two days after I got home from the festival and Jodi Picoult's The Storyteller later on.I'm down to Jodi's latest book, Lone Wolf and after that,no more! Gaaaahhh. *groans* I love P.Bosch's books. >3 They're so creative.I want to find his next book, Write Your Own Book that was released May 2013 I think.Not to give spoilers but M.E is really obvious.LOL I wonder what happened to Cass and Yo-Yoji after they graduated.Shall a new budding romance commence?? LOL (lol romance commence,M.E would've liked that.) And Jodi deserves her gold star winning awesome author award.Her books are marvellous ,I tell you.Based on family loyalties and the understanding of each role in every person's life,it almost feels like everything was happening...

It's true. Making the person you love laugh is the best thing in the world. I absolutely 110% second that notion. Why?  Well,duh. Laughter are medicine.They literally and emotionally make you feel better,unless you're related to the Grinch. I for one,love to make people I love laugh.For someone like me to purposefully make fool of myself just to hear their laughter and watch them scrunch their faces cutely,forming laugh lines around their eyes speaks a lot. One of the reasons I love my moments at SMKIP.During preps,I would tell them stories once we're done with homeworks.Stories that made them laugh so hard,Hidayah and Faqie fell out of their chairs gasping with mirth on the floor. I smiled for days after that one.Seniors and batchmates alike stared at us but nothing mattered for us.Hearing them laugh was mesmerizing and nothing else in the world mattered. The twins will be Qie and me of course. Before bed,I would tell Qie a story until she nods off on my ...

From now,it's another 12 hours. Gahh.Waiting is painful.But then again,like everything,it has it's good side.I get to look forward to it.Can't say I'm particularly fond of surprises but it's obviously something to expect. Well..One thing for sure,Onee-san won't make it in time.Douyara,she's not coming home yet.But,it's just getting my results,right? It's not that important. So,I won't mind this one. Kedo..If,if God wills it,I get good scores,I want her to be here.Home. Just like Mom and Dad,she's a very important person to me.Why else would I sometimes put up with her ridiculous ideas? Like marrying me off to her bestfriend.Yes,that would be a topic for a looonnggg time. Qie and Wa,I'll keep in touch with them too. Because my daughter is a natural genius,I'm pretty sure she'll make it alright.And even if she didn't,I wouldn't love her any less.It's just numbers on a paper,deshou? LOL And Wa,my beautiful ang...

Yeah,it's my birthday. Happy birthday to me!  I wanted to wake up early and give Mom and Dad a kiss for this special day especially Mom but they left early and I was too groggy from sleep to be conscious. My stomach kinda hurts and I went back to sleep after I locked the door.I vaguely remember the sounds of the show Wizards Vs Aliens and the Mystery Inc. from the TV as I drifted on and off in my sleep. Scott Haran was inevitably cute.Hahaha~ Well,seeing as I'm officially 18 now - not that it makes any difference,it's just a number,I guess - I suppose I had nothing more to expect. So,once again,happy bloody birthday to me.

It doesn't matter.I'm fine. Anything doesn't matter anymore.It's -this- is not angst or anything like that,I'm way over that now.Teenage thing doesn't suit me anymore.Isn't that's what growing up is about? Like clothes.You buy the ones that fits and over time,they won't anymore.You buy new clothes that fits you better. I guess I'm on my own now.Of course I've seen it coming,despite my strong belief that we'll always be together,that we will each move on with our lives.We make our own decisions now,what we want and what we could and should have. There's the easy decisions and the hard ones. Taking the easy way may seem a pathetic exit but it's awfully convenient.Wallowing is so troublesome and it's psychologically proven dangerous to mental and physical health.I've always preferred to quickly move on with things that upsets me. What's the use dragging it out,right? No use torturing yourself for no good reason.I...