AkImA No NiKkI

So it's the first week of my final semester as a degree TESL student. I'll be soon swamped with assignments and deadlines and meetings with my supervisor about my AE, or otherwise known as thesis or FYP (final year project). Granted, I hope I will be able to finish it on time and graduate on time without problems.  Aaaaaand I just jinxed myself.  Great. We're going on a great start, y'all. My new renthouse is situated on level four this semester, though luckily I got somewhere within the same apartment compound and the same block so I don't have to re-familiarize myself with the environment. But the whole level four thing is really huge because my legs are still cramping and I'm out of breath like an asthmatic person by the time I reach my house.  No joke, I actually cried a little thinking when I had to lug all of my shit when I moved in. Without the help of the contractor -he came over to have me sign tenant contract and shit, I would've probab...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

[She was watching Jack before bed, trying to finish the Edith Finch series gameplay, but it 5 minutes after midnight and she should really go to bed before she screws up her hard-earned sleep schedule. She went about in her daily ministrations, and settled under the blanket with a soft sigh in the dark. She was really happy today.] The ledger, you called it? Really? How much more obvious can you get?   [she opened her eyes, brows scrunching confusedly at the ceiling.] what? You couldn't admit to Amelia that you were scared. You called it the ledger. Well done for the analogy to Black Widow. Only, Nat puts her targets profiles in there. You put the names of people you hurt, one way or the other. [she turned sideways, feeling her head began to spin. Slowly, she feels her chest constrict.] What's this about? People in the past stays in the past for a reason. Amelia calls me out on my shit for justifying myself a lot but there are reasons for certain things to be as the...

My insomnia is acting up again. I've taken two sleeping pills yesterday morning and last night, yet the only hours I've been able to sleep is 3 this morning from 7-9. I promised my psychiatrist that I'll only take them if I hadn't gotten any sleep more than 24 hours and now my head is kicking up a storm. I wonder if it'd be superstitious to say it'd have something related with the dream of mirrors I had couple of days ago. I'm starting to think the dream of mirrors were dragged up by the most recent void memory being surfaced. Maybe it's a reaction. God, I don't know. There were similarities. Maybe my head cocked up a dream from what it interpreted as a hey-you-got-a-memory-back-here's-a-gift thing. I saw 14 years old me like a mirror with a reflection that wasn't truly mine eventhough I feel her as myself and the dream...turned it sinister, even when I considered the coming-back memory a positive one despite what it entailed. Why...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

I just arrived at college this morning straight from Banting, Selangor from a classmate's house after staying there for 2 days and 2 nights, filming scenes for our Lit&Media movie project. It was fun and tiring and memorable all at once and I love that I'll be able to have these memories. But as soon as I got back to my room, a depressive mood sets in. Roomie left to her brother's house in KL because we have Monday off. To be honest, it was probably something unwittingly mentioned by me during our stay in Banting. I didn't even know why it came out of my mouth, it just..did. And it was too late to take it back by the time they acknowledged it and, well, I held off the gloomy funk until the filming is over. Sometimes, little tidbits of things before The Incident came through without me realizing it, things that I didn't even remember had happened until after I said it. A pair of thick arms caging me in on top of me. Whispers of words. Fleeting snake-like t...

So I didn't exactly keep that last post up to date, huh. Well, here I am. Nearly 2 weeks later. Ha. The trip to the hospital was fine. I took a close classmate with me because one, I'm hella scared and not ashamed to admit it, and two, it's been my policy to always have a viable witness in case anything happens. Not that anything's gonna happen, but just in case. * shrug * I'm paranoid like that. At first the nurse at the counter was pissed at me 'cause we didn't make an early appointment and treated an expert facility like a walk-in try-out when I gave her the referral letter but she got quiet after reading the letter and asked us to sit somewhere while she ask for available professors. I didn't read the letter when I got it and my classmate couldn't read the doc's handwriting (I could, it's a bit like Mom's) but I happened to read snippets of sentences as the letter was passed around to me in the process of getting my informati...

I don't know what's wrong. There seems to be nothing wrong, at all, yet I don't feel it. It's wearing me thin, night after night. I want to know what is wrong so I can damn fix it . I have to fix it. I wake up, everything is okay. I look around the house, I do my chores as content I can be. Mom and Dad comes home and our interaction is easy, light-hearted and comforting. I laugh and smile as genuinely I can feel. Nothing is wrong. Lil' sis comes home, I ask about her day and play with her if I could. Lifting her up or rough-housing or tickling. We laugh and the shrill voices carry around the house. Nothing is wrong. Evening passes and I spend it appropriately around my family, whether it be Mom or Dad or Sis or Lil' sis. It is genuine and wonderful and calming and everything is alright . Yet.....when I am alone in the nights, I am sad . This sadness....I don't know it. It's unfamiliar to me. It's not from my past and it's not ...

"We never defeat our demons, Mordo. We learn to live above them." - Supreme Sorcerer in Doc.Strange. It's funny, what she said. Because it's true, innit? You never truly destroy what has the potential to destroy you because it is also a part of what you are. So you find recesses to live above them, and it's a continual effort until the rest of your life. I've had an exhausting week. Assignments being typed and printed, discussions being scheduled and worked out, tests being discussed and examined, presentations being rolled out and moving, etc etc etc. We're nearing mid-term break the week after and not long until final exam for this term to end. Rush, rush, rush. Yesterday was fun. I experienced using a Black Room simulation and Rope Rescue during the FireFighter trip to FRAM (Fire Rescue Academy) in Kuala Kubu Bharu and everything was exciting and educational. I genuinely enjoyed myself despite missing a day's class. Though the backlash sho...

*sniff* ey, y'alls. So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again. I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-||| It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious. The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least. Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could pro...

This few days has been....interesting, to say at least. It's 2 days after EidulAdha which, might I say, could be on the not-so-enjoyable holidays list I created after the big flood incident 2 years ago. It's not the holidays, it's the events that inadvertently happened on it. The healing scratches on my right wrist aren't so bad. I'm used to them by now, being familiar with wounds from cats and such. It's my own fault anyway, the cat at gramma's house has never been too friendly with people. (shrugs) NOT my hand. This is a random picture from Google search. I'm too lazy to put up the wounds on my own wrist. Or hand. Or whatever it is kids call it these days. Then the abrupt strong storm that passed through 2 nights ago and another passed again last night, though thankfully wasn't as strong. It wrecked a little bit of the part of our roof so we had to deal with some leaks from the ceiling in the living room, my room, and Nana's room. Dad h...