AkImA No NiKkI

Cohabitation with other people who aren't your family is strange. I mean, naturally, right? That much is obvious. But I don't know how to describe it. It's not like it's giving me problems, or discomfort. Rather, each of us are just living at our own pace while sharing a place. Knowing the bare minimum about each other, and communicating when purely necessary. Occasionally, we get irked by each other's habits, though showing no verbal distaste of it for the sake of keeping the peace, we get by. Even using "we" somehow feels like a unnatural context, because we are strangers sharing a space. It made me think how awesome it'd be to have my own place, living alone. I usually don't cook, but when I was living on campus, it was a violation. Somehow living here still feels like I'm on campus, without the HEP bullshit. I still don't cook, two of my other housemates do (probably because they're the ones who lived here first and are u...

I've actually watched this anime twice in the past few months and tonight is my 3rd time rewatching it. For some reason, I just love this anime lol It isn't like Haikyuu or Yuri On Ice where they specify or subtly imply the shipping game, it is a wholesome anime of friendship and teacher-student relationship. Though to be fair, I may have been indulging a lot of the latter lately, what with also rewatching Gokusen season 1 and season 2... Although there IS a subtle implication that there COULD be more than meets the eye if pushed, but it's very very small and common, unlike the ones shown in Haikyuu where it's plain to obvious to people who have more than decent analyzing skills. It could also be that I have a plain soft spot for main characters with Heine's personality... My favorite type of personality for main characters, to be honest. I loved the first time I watched it, but I feel as if I didn't pay enough thought to how the dynamics are neatly...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

It's a complicated day. But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry. I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight.  I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth.  So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could. The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize. I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work. I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize. That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized. On another note...

Greetings. It's been a while, haha. I'm at home, lounging my ass off until 10th of September which is when the next semester starts, namely, my 4th.  I've decided to stay in the same group again, mainly because a friend guilt-tripped me into it lol. As long as we keep the assholery of work to a minimum. I like the girls, really. I just like them outside of work when we're not working together. That's really inevitable,  next to impossible, yes I am aware. I am also aware that the girls can be made to understand this. Regardless, as the holidays span, I have exciting plans await! xD Not gonna jinx it yet but Amelia, Irene, and I have plans around late August. Hopefully it'll come to fruition smoothly! I miss them both so dearly. I hear rumors that PALAM will have a KTM line to KL Central in the future. Let's hope that's neither false or too far off because if that's true, my weekends would likely be spent in KL half the time. hahaha Recen...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

So I didn't exactly keep that last post up to date, huh. Well, here I am. Nearly 2 weeks later. Ha. The trip to the hospital was fine. I took a close classmate with me because one, I'm hella scared and not ashamed to admit it, and two, it's been my policy to always have a viable witness in case anything happens. Not that anything's gonna happen, but just in case. * shrug * I'm paranoid like that. At first the nurse at the counter was pissed at me 'cause we didn't make an early appointment and treated an expert facility like a walk-in try-out when I gave her the referral letter but she got quiet after reading the letter and asked us to sit somewhere while she ask for available professors. I didn't read the letter when I got it and my classmate couldn't read the doc's handwriting (I could, it's a bit like Mom's) but I happened to read snippets of sentences as the letter was passed around to me in the process of getting my informati...

Finally, some freakin' break! Or well, I couldn't really call it a break, more like, a necessary halt. Funny how seeing the same doctor twice can make them see right through your bluff. Or maybe having a panic attack causing your body to cramp in the sick bays work too. Newsflash : I'm being medically referred to a legal psychiatrist in Sgai Buloh Hospital tomorrow morning by UK (unit kesihatan) as per the doctor who diagnosed me insisted. It started off with just your regular run-off-the-mill panic attacks, really. It's not like they're out of the ordinary in my routine. But I guess at this age, they start to take a toll on your body (it sounds like I'm middle-aged or something..) and my body cramps really fucking bad throughout two nights leaving me with less than half an hour sleep and shit-ton of work and presentation to do. ( no, I'm not on my period .) Last I slept was the half an hour on Tuesday afternoon. After Friday morning's class, ...

The phone vibrated violently with the alarms loudly going off with the text flashing "WAKE UP FOR CLASS DAMMIT YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE" beside her pillow, messy black hair fanning out the sides like gravity demands it per physics. She rolled towards the sound, face pinched unpleasantly at the wake-up call and moved her hands, patting around the general area of the phone with her eyes closed. Her roommate, all ready and pristine for her morning class rolled her eyes at the all too familiar sight. She moved to wake her. "Jamie. James, wake up. D'ya have class this morning?" she asked, close to the not-awake mass of grumbling body on the grey-sheets bed but not touching her.  The aforementioned grumbling body -Jamie, apparently- grunts not-quite an answer, and shifts her head slightly towards the voice of her roommate and slurred, "Nnnoo..ain't got'nyclass till 2..". The roommate nodded her acknowledgement and left the still-grumbling body b...

Things were really bad last week. The worst I have ever made since I decided to go for recovery 3 years ago when Amelia and Irene convinced me to. I'm at square one now. Back to the beginning and starting all over again. And there's no one to be mad at but myself, this I am well too aware of. So here I am, starting recovery from scratch. Again. I can't even apologize. It's worthless and there's no value to them considering how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't deserve to feel guilty when my stupid rationality flies out the fucking window every time my mood fluctuates downhill like a shitty economic bar.  Fucking hell. If you can't tell by now, it means I relapsed. Past tense.  I'm a little bit okay now, since the moods has passed, but I'm gonna have to start the recovery process all over again from scratch as I've reiterated above. I'm not doing excellent or good, but I'm trying what I can to counter it. It's probably no...

It's the start of my 3rd semester in PALAM. I'm taking third language as elective this sem and my choices are either Japanese or German. I originally intended for French because baby brother have it for a subject in highschool and I thought maybe if I learn it too, we could practice together. It sounds fun. But then, the beginner tutorials doesn't look as easy as it sounds so I chickened out. Maybe I'll just have him teach me, haha. It's the middle of the first week and we've already gone through some of the introductory sessions for the classes. I'm so glad that we have our Lit lecturer from our first semester for our Lit for Children and Y/A class. I really admire her. I enjoy her classes and her assignments are always fun and challenging. Sort of reminds me of Madam Adzurae a little bit. Hehe Plus, we have two Literature class this sem! Wowie! xDD The lecturer for Lit & Media is fun too and his tasks are as easygoing as they are stimulating....