Victory Feints

It's a complicated day.

But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry.

I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight. 

I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth. 

So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could.

The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize.

I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work.

I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize.

That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized.

On another note, the poetry re-test went well.

Although I did have to explain to Madam what happened on Monday and while I try to gloss over them as briefly as I could, she needed to see the physical evidences because she deserves at least that. I have been rude and disgustingly discourteous to her authority, and she deserves to know the truth. I like her class, and I like her as a person, and I was genuinely ashamed of myself to have disappointed her so.

I will strive to improve to be better.

I feel immensely guilty as my groupmates visited the school for our A&E project when I should've been there with them as my duty. I felt ashamed to face them for my incompetence. 

After the re-test, I had been emotionally wrung out and forced myself for dinner because I haven't eaten all day. The onigiri I bought for brunch was still in my bagpack when I got back to my room.

I made hot drink and ate. And collapsed for sleep immediately after.

After 5 hours, I woke up because I dreamed of a text message from one of my groupmates about a discussion time meeting and grabbed my phone to see if it was true. There was a text of such, but it was from a different member.

I scrolled Instagram for a while. I read some fanfics.

And out of the blue, I felt the intense need to cry.

I texted some of my classmates, then I looked at the clock. Oh, it's half past midnight, it's unlikely the would be awake. Then I saw Mya was online, so I texted her. 

We talked a bit, and it subsided. 

He hasn't woken up yet, so I busied myself by putting on the playlist he made for me when I couldn't sleep or if I'm having a bad day. They are immensely calming. I love it.

I decided to write while I'm at it because the music is giving me inspirations and ideas to draw good things and write my heart out so I don't have to repress them or bottle them inside where they will build up and implode. I've come too far to get setbacks by now.

And God knows I refuse to be beaten down.

Since we're here already, there are several things that came to my mind as I thought of relaxing and calming things to add to my bucket list :

1. Visit an aquarium and stay an embarrassing amount of time at the jellyfish section.

2. Go to a pond with many fish and observe.

3. Preferably done with one or two people I love and cherish and extremely fond of.

4. Visit a cat cafe.

5. Read with him.

6. Listen to music with him.

7. Listen to Mya and Irene sing.

8. Watch Mark or Jack play video games.