AkImA No NiKkI

Last weekends, I went home, to make my passport. Because I have no class on Fridays till Mondays, that makes my weekends 4 days long a week, so I feel very blessed. Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with. Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know. By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that m...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...

Greetings. It's been a while, haha. I'm at home, lounging my ass off until 10th of September which is when the next semester starts, namely, my 4th.  I've decided to stay in the same group again, mainly because a friend guilt-tripped me into it lol. As long as we keep the assholery of work to a minimum. I like the girls, really. I just like them outside of work when we're not working together. That's really inevitable,  next to impossible, yes I am aware. I am also aware that the girls can be made to understand this. Regardless, as the holidays span, I have exciting plans await! xD Not gonna jinx it yet but Amelia, Irene, and I have plans around late August. Hopefully it'll come to fruition smoothly! I miss them both so dearly. I hear rumors that PALAM will have a KTM line to KL Central in the future. Let's hope that's neither false or too far off because if that's true, my weekends would likely be spent in KL half the time. hahaha Recen...

So...updates. It's 4th day of Eid (Eid Mubarak, everyone~!) and things are finally looking up. With my parents, and with my void memories. The former part is good and awesome, though whilst the latter is a "bit not good", I think it's a positive change than before. I'm going back to college 1st of July and after that we have final exams coming up, thankfully just 3 papers. I should stock up my meds for end of semester break, too. After being stuck 26 hours on a fucking bus on my way home for Eid, Dad picked me up around 2 a.m as per usual. He kept saying something about patience and tribulations, I just nodded and hummed, letting him say his piece. When we were getting close to home, he finally got around to sorta, kinda, in a roundabout my-family-way, kind of apologized about the 'crazy' fiasco last time. I understand the meaning, though. Because that's when I thought, "Oh, so this is where Sis got it from." Ha. I felt quite close ...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

I don't know what's wrong. There seems to be nothing wrong, at all, yet I don't feel it. It's wearing me thin, night after night. I want to know what is wrong so I can damn fix it . I have to fix it. I wake up, everything is okay. I look around the house, I do my chores as content I can be. Mom and Dad comes home and our interaction is easy, light-hearted and comforting. I laugh and smile as genuinely I can feel. Nothing is wrong. Lil' sis comes home, I ask about her day and play with her if I could. Lifting her up or rough-housing or tickling. We laugh and the shrill voices carry around the house. Nothing is wrong. Evening passes and I spend it appropriately around my family, whether it be Mom or Dad or Sis or Lil' sis. It is genuine and wonderful and calming and everything is alright . Yet.....when I am alone in the nights, I am sad . This sadness....I don't know it. It's unfamiliar to me. It's not from my past and it's not ...

It's February and we're safely well past the flood season. Temperature's hot in the afternoon but it settles very nicely with a breeze and shades as the evening creeps in. It's been a week since I started class observation at SMK TM (1) a.k.a my old highschool meaning there's another week to go before it ends. Thankfully, the process on the first day went smoothly for me. I did have to wait a couple of hours in the morning because there was a Going Back To School ceremony in the halls and the principal had to entertain guests before he comes into the office but soon as I showed him the letter and explained everything, there was little to no problem with the rest. I was referred to the PKP (Right Administration Secretary) right away to settle my schedule and my teacher trainer.  I went around introducing myself, or, re-introducing myself, in any case, to the teachers. Most of them remembers me as a familiar face and I feel honored. I remember them too, well, ...

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

This few days has been....interesting, to say at least. It's 2 days after EidulAdha which, might I say, could be on the not-so-enjoyable holidays list I created after the big flood incident 2 years ago. It's not the holidays, it's the events that inadvertently happened on it. The healing scratches on my right wrist aren't so bad. I'm used to them by now, being familiar with wounds from cats and such. It's my own fault anyway, the cat at gramma's house has never been too friendly with people. (shrugs) NOT my hand. This is a random picture from Google search. I'm too lazy to put up the wounds on my own wrist. Or hand. Or whatever it is kids call it these days. Then the abrupt strong storm that passed through 2 nights ago and another passed again last night, though thankfully wasn't as strong. It wrecked a little bit of the part of our roof so we had to deal with some leaks from the ceiling in the living room, my room, and Nana's room. Dad h...

Right. I meant to update soon as I got home but.....yeah. I procrastinated. It's our long-planned holiday together since we got into degree programme and though it felt like it ended before it started, meeting them face to face again was worth it. Worth it. So fucking worth it. Persuading Mom to let me go was a bit of a doozy. Thank God Dad didn't have an issue with it. I kinda don't get it though, because I've been to places on my own before and she didn't have any objections but when I wanted to skip states to see my bestfriends, she suddenly backtracked? If it was a sense of danger, then wouldn't me skipping places on my own be more dangerous than me diddling over to see people who cares about my safety more than myself? Anyhoo, Dad managed to give me the go. The bus in TM is shit. My ticket was at 9 a.m which they tell me the earliest but after waiting from 8.30 to goddamn 11, I was spitting F-bombs like it was free candy. When I asked, they casuall...