AkImA No NiKkI

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate t...

This feels more like an emergency update if anything else. I don't sleep at nights anymore, being an insomniac, only being able to fulfill my body's necessity after 8 a.m and beyond. Of course with the quarantine and my unemployment, it's not being a bother to my daily routine, but I imagine when it's over and I have a job, not being able to sleep at nights and having to wake up at an early morning and work all day and rinse and repeat will eventually fail my body and my health.  It's only not being a problem now but it will surely be a problem later. Anyway, I'm just here to spill out some thoughts, which I have religiously ignored in turn of various distractions. I should likely start from the beginning. Some time around a week ago, I believe (I can't tell because my time scope is honestly fucked up by now after half a year sitting at home), there was an issue with a famous figure being outed as a sexual predator and his victims stepping up to voice their ...

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself. Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that.  I have  moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they ...

So it's the first week of my final semester as a degree TESL student. I'll be soon swamped with assignments and deadlines and meetings with my supervisor about my AE, or otherwise known as thesis or FYP (final year project). Granted, I hope I will be able to finish it on time and graduate on time without problems.  Aaaaaand I just jinxed myself.  Great. We're going on a great start, y'all. My new renthouse is situated on level four this semester, though luckily I got somewhere within the same apartment compound and the same block so I don't have to re-familiarize myself with the environment. But the whole level four thing is really huge because my legs are still cramping and I'm out of breath like an asthmatic person by the time I reach my house.  No joke, I actually cried a little thinking when I had to lug all of my shit when I moved in. Without the help of the contractor -he came over to have me sign tenant contract and shit, I would've probab...

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at ...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

It's been couple weeks, yeah. So some shit been solved, some shit turns up. Most of the good shit, like problems with authority and keys and work are doing good. Mostly. Bad shit is, well, as always, people. Fucking goddamn stupid ass dumbfucked people. Y'all might see this as a new progress but my psychiatrist who I been seeing since last 2017 August for every month outside of holidays and semester breaks have told me that my appointments from now are gonna be spread out from once in 2 months. Eventhough I have my monthly pick up meds prescription. Know why? Because last time I saw him, I was to the brink of throwing myself out of the seventh floor of the faculty building. Because goddamn people of this society, this cultural background, have such an ignorant stigma for mental health. I get it. My folks don't even believe in mine still and they think the meds was a one time thing. They don't wanna know how disturbed I get without my daily meds. Hell they don't...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

It's currently 1.32 a.m and I have 8.30 creative writing class in the morning followed by sociolinguistics at 2.00 p.m until 5.00 p.m. I have just woken up from sleep about an hour ago after taking a "nap" at 6.00 p.m.  I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.  Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.  How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.  I'm fucking scared. What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing m...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

It's a sad day. I miss them. Mom and dad and sis and nephew and baby bro and baby sis and Amelia and Irene. I miss him. It doesn't make sense, since we are not apart by heart, only in physical context, yet still it's there. Yeah I know I'm whining. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them though. And him. I've drawn, and written. A little afraid to sleep in case I hate to wake. It's cold with no warmth in sight. Work is tedious. Work is stressful. Work is, for once, nothing enjoyable. I don't want to be afraid. So I won't. But still I'll say it, how much I miss them. I hope the coming bookcamp will be fun. The people and strangers might be overwhelming, but at least they bring books with them. And with that, there should be enough excitement of talks of books. I don't want to curl in my blanket and sleep. I'll forget about the rest of the world, and right now, I can't do that. Even as I hate work right now, and there...

So, it's been a week or so since 4th semester started and already I wish for it to end. For several reasons, including how I wish I didn't cave into the guilt trip and registered in Group B instead because this is a fucking mess right off the bat with these girls, I swear. The sigh of an everlasting annoyance is not unfamiliar by now. The fondness these days has made way for exasperation and irritation mostly. Also, the I-Learn site which we use to regularly update our information for assignment tasks and guidelines and lecture slides was recently "updated" and is still in configuration which means a fucking pain in the butthole. Lecturers expect us to have these things by the next class and I can't even access the fucking shit and this grates on my patience  WHICH I DO NOT HAVE AT THIS POINT SO HELP ME GOD. On top of that, there aren't any interesting or good subjects to look forward to this semester and the schedule is nothing short of torture be...