AkImA No NiKkI

I'm not going to describe the day. I won't go into details of what happened when I woke up and what happened the rest of the time I was up until now. What I am going to do, to say, in this post, is state the facts. That is all. First, we'll start with the obvious. It is my 21st birthday, as of 24th February 2017. I am now 21 years old. I am currently home, in my hometown, Tanah Merah, Kelantan. I woke up in my bed. In my room. I have chores. I know I have to wake up. Mom is calling for me. Strangely, I didn't want to speak. Not because I have morning breath because nobody has ever cared about that in this family, but because I simply.....didn't want to. It was as if my lips were locked with an invisible chain which I have no keys to. I wouldn't open them. I wouldn't. I struggled to answer with the best non-verbal language I know how. I hope it was enough. A constant bile resting in my throat. Tasting of vomit and tears. Still I smiled. A...

Next two days begins the final week for submitting papers, assignments, and presentations. After that it's study week for 5-6 days and then Finals. This week has been rushing enough lol I called Mom and Dad to see if I should go home for study week but I'm still kind of on the nose about it. I doubt there'd be much studying going on at home, but I'm hesitating to spend that much days at college for no reason. Roomie has already decided she's going back home so if I decide the latter, I'd be alone for nearly a week. Might get a little stir-crazy, even for me. Maybe I could spend them at a nearby friend's place? Nah. Too much trouble on both sides. Reminded that school was over for teachers, I've been calling home more frequently than before because I know that all of them would be at home anyways. I love that it gets rowdy when my call was in good timing like when they're all in the kitchen together or something. It brings a familiar feeling....

I AM DYING I AM POSITIVELY DYING I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BUT EP 10 JUST CAME OUT YESTERDAY AND WE GOT MONDAY AND TUESDAY OFF SO I FIGURED IT'D BE FINE TO FINALLY BINGEWATCH HAIKYUU!! SEASON 3 KARASUNO VS SHIRATORIZAWA AND I JUST FINISHED BINGE-WATCHING IT THAT'S WHY THIS POST IS GOING TO BE IN FULL CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I AM SCREAMING FAIRLY WARNED ALSO THERE WILL BE NO PUNCTUATIONS WHATSOEVER  BECAUSE I AM SCREAMING AND DYING AND WHEEZING AND SPAZZING ALSJSSDUFYURFYBGCTYBGCDSBJSJDGHSDFGKSDEYRETIRYTYRUODJHJDFBJSDBCJBCBVJDGFHJGUGSSHHFHRUGURYRYTUROEPWODASKDJDJHFDBVNBVNCXVBJFHGHJGRYSEURYYTIUAKHSDJGADFHGGASKDLFLKJSDKKJFHRTURTIRFUSADJHDKJAJKSAKJFBVCNBVNBVNCBVNBVJHFGGFSUKJDAHFJDBMNBVMNCVHJDGFKJGKSFGLDSHGKJDBVBVMNCBVNCMBVHJBV OOHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGGGOOOOOODDDDDDDDD MY SOOOOOONNNSSSSS MY BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS TSUKKI YOU SALTY SON OF A MAMA CROW I AM SO FUCKING PROUD HOW HOW HOW THE HELL IS MY HEART SO FULL AND HAPPY AND I AM CRYING DEAR GOD I AM ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY CR...

*sniff* ey, y'alls. So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again. I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-||| It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious. The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least. Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could pro...

Hey, y'alls. It's reminiscing time! Hahahaha Lately, I realized that the majority space of my phone has been taken over by Mystic Messenger . The little time I have when not logged in is spent checking on class and family group whatsapps and that's about it. Even reading fics is counted as golden time these days. Well talk about addiction at its finest. LOL Who knew I would be so hooked up on an otome game?  Hopefully my last, tbh, 'cause I'm not sure the rest of the more demanding aspects of my life could allow such an obsessive nature (bordering maniac) without sacrificing something. I don't mind gaming, once in a while, but I don't want it to be an obsession. I have enough of those to last a lifetime. -____-||| After I'm done with all the Routes and cleared out the game, that should be the end of it. I hope. Currently, I'm on Han Jumin 's route. And boy, does this one got me thinking. Somehow, Jumin captured my interest more a...

Yo. So, work is steadily piling up. That's good, I suppose. Better than having my head float on nothing, although, I do admit having problems in one of the classes. Then again, if you have more than 6, you're bound to be bad in at least one of them, so I'm not really miffed about it too much. A little irritated, maybe, just because of the inconvenience. I haven't called home since I registered for the semester, and that's, what, 2 weeks ago? I'm not exactly stalling or avoiding the act, any more than I'd simply forgotten and when I tried, it was too late in the night and they're most likely sleeping. Classes end much later this semester than the last, so there's that also. Messages from Amelia and Irene have been sparse lately but I figured they have much more things on their hand than I do on a daily basis. I do hope they try to get regular breaks and take care of their mental and physical health once in a while. It'd be unfair if I'...

*sigh* so, hey y'alls. Pardon if I sound 120% done but that's 'cause I am. Ha No, it's nothing big. Just my stupid cramps and the bloodbath in my uterus. Gives a girl cranky moods, yknow. The rollercoaster of moods is to be expected. *nod nod* I should be posting 18th August 2016 instead, but truth be told, I really don't want to. Why? Because I feel like I want to keep this for myself. Selfish? Nuh uh. It's my memory. I get to do what I want with it. And I already shared 17th August 2016 so it's more than enough. So there. Anyhoo, speaking of rollercoaster of moods, last night was a little bumpy. lol Relapses are normal. They're to be expected, even. But I won, this time, so, yayyy~ It's not often that they occur during periods because I would've been in hibernating mode but the times they do, it gets a little more difficult than usual.  Somehow it felt like everything was slightly heightened, rather than the usual annoying buzz at t...

This one is a happy one. I know there're more sad, angry, and angst posts in here more than I like to admit, but there are the occasional fun ones, laughing ones, good ones, and overall happy ones. Those of which I normally include or dedicate to a person I love, and we all know how jealously and paranoidly I guard them, don't we? Well, this one has a specific name on the title of the post, so in case you suddenly developed temporary amnesia, this one is dedicated to Irene. It's purely coincidental that I feel the need to write this soon after a post to Amelia, FYI. Okay? Okay. So, Irene.  It's no secret that she and I first met in second term during Foundation, via Mya. They live close together, enough that should they decide to meet up, they can. Unlike me who lives a couple of states away. It's funny to think that both of my bestfriends are Kedahan though, considering I have a really bad image of Kedahan people ever since one broke my sis's heart...

I'm slowly working my way through my latest fic and occasionally, whip up some on-spot ideas on the sketchpad. Though I need to be reminded to use my spaces carefully 'cause economy right now is worse and stuff are really getting expensive. I wonder if our country's gonna burn like Africa.  Oops, jinx. Regardless, with the rate we're going on, any jinxing isn't gonna make much difference. *shrug* I'm catching on Stony for a while, meaning that the Destiel ship has been put on hold for the moment. That talk I had with Onee-san few days ago made me think of Stony and now, I'm just filling up the urges to read some fluffy fic and coo adorably at these two grown-up idiots waddling their way through angst and emotionally stunted brains to get their heads outta their asses and see the real love in their freaking eyes. Call it avoidance or whatever but I love these idiots. Yeah get over it. Don't question my OTP. I will go down with this ship. I m...

Hey y'all. Man, I'm like, super hyper after my dose of caffeine. LOL Was watching first ep of Under The Dome the series at TV2 when Dad wanted to eat out. I was like, "After the show? I've been waiting for it." and Mom said, "You can talk since you don't have school. We do." and I did a happy dance 'cause yeah, she's totally right. I don't have school. *cue epic shitty grin* And then I shrugged.  Mmeeehhh, whattahell, I can always watch them online.  To the Deermobile!! ('cause we're using a Kancil. Get it? Like, Batmobile. LOL so freakin' lame.) *cue 007 theme song* Kei hasn't texted me since he got back. Huh. He's probably busy with family stuff. Or maybe just enjoying some time with his girl.  Meh. More time with me and my books! Muahahahahaha~ Come to think of it, I haven't tried to text anyone save for Amelia these few weeks. In fact, I've been feeling like wanting solidarity again from wh...

Yesterday I was strolling through YouTube for some acting lessons which was arguably foolish. I thought they had tutorials for this gig. Apparently my manly acts aren't manly enough, or at least, not the right kind of manly we're looking for my character. Somehow, someway, I ended up looking at introvert-related vids. I really like them because I could comment and like and just nod very understandingly according to experience.  Some people are introverts because they're naturally shy or nervous.  I just hate people. I love the one with the myths about introverts from BuzzFeed vids. Their cartoons are so adorable! xDD It's true. I support this. Right now, my circle of friends are just Amelia, Irene, and Kei. My daughter are included in the family section. The rest are grouped in either the acquaintance section or someone-I-know section. I'm not shy or timid or any of those stuff. I play (or used to play) sports and have quite a number of roles dur...

Once is an incident. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice is a pattern. This is definitely becoming a pattern, if it's not already. Though a greatly beneficial pattern, I must say. They keep feeding me. And if that's not a good (marvelous) thing I don't know what is. My roommates, Irene, and sometimes, even Amelia, they keep feeding me and I really love it when Irene pets my head which makes me sound like a humanized feline species. (Translation : CAT) Even more when I keep falling (read:intentionally) on top of her just so that she'll pet me. And the best thing is? Irene never fails to disappoint. It's just luck that I can't emanate purring sounds. The feeding part, I don't even plan it. I just, some days, come back to my room and find some snacks or candies on my table, courtesy of my roommates. I'm really lucky for them. And on weekends, I rarely go out, preferring to stay in bed and do my work or play games or read in pea...

This is one of those annoying posts that has misleading titles because there's no flowery cute friendships around here. Well, there's a friendship but I wouldn't exactly call it flowery. It's because I write random title that pops up in my head all the time. It is common on holidays that I stay up until 3-4 something doing either work,fanfic, or reading doujinshi. And then I sleep until 2 in the afternoon. I don't give shit much about my eating habits because I sorta eat to live on holidays. Like, only opening up my cookie stash when I'm literally starving. And gorging myself on heavenly coffees. Later, that would bite me in the ass by getting me worked up and writing too much on whatever I get my hands on. Almost feverishly, you would say. Amelia and Irene always nags at me about my eating habits though they have nothing to touch on my sleeping habits because Amelia is pot, me kettle. Irene is a perfect specimen of sane human though. She wakes u...

I'm afraid I have been a bit rude to one of my lecturers this morning. Granted, I wasn't fond of her teaching style because she reminds me of one of those narcissistic teachers like that Chinese lady in Doubting Thomas, but I was not raised to be rude to my elders.  Though I could use my excuse of PMS, it still wouldn't cover the fault. She was asking -as most do- about the flood and I wish I hadn't been so honest. Damn my honesty-training. Sure, my mood swing was kicking in though to be fair, I woke up early today just to have a cup of strong coffee to prevent me from sleeping in her class since hers is the first class we start with every Tues and Wed. I answered her questions rather dismissively, I'm afraid. A classmate tried to explain my rudeness to her in hope that she wouldn't lash out at me, saying how "I've always been like this from the beginning". I appreciate her effort. Though later she said it was because I seem to be glaring...

I'm upset. The first time for this year that I am upset at home. It's not his fault, really. It's not. I just...-I'm not... I-I.. *takes a deep breath* I'm just upset.. Is all. It was my choice to tell him. The truth. Everything. I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, for me to explain. Because that would mean re-opening my wounds and scars for him to see. But.. well.. It's not his fault. I don't blame him. I want to take this secret to my grave, and it's horribly selfish of me but I don't want to be the one to break it to my parents. So I had other people do it for me. He looked like he didn't want to keep this on his own, but I told him that he could tell anyone he wants -my parents, my family, my relatives, whoever related to me- after I die. Some of them may have a hunch that something is wrong with me. I don't give a shit. So long as it doesn't have to come outta my mouth. I asked Kei out today, for the...

Unsurprisingly, I've been re-acquainting myself with the pastas. I guess the horror adrenaline keeps me on guard for any more panic attacks. LOL. Ironic, I know. Some of the friends I made here aren't as bad. I admit that I may have even sported  a few soft spots for them. Then again, I've always found myself to be a tad lenient to those I consider friends. And I don't even have that many of them. Most are just what I call acquaintances.  They're okay. Sore yori, I'm starting to think that I should cut some slack on the depressive songs and stories because for one, they don't help much other than give me entertainment. Two, they could be adding up my own depression. Not very helpful, isn't it? But as always, dark things are very inevitably addictive . Once you're hooked, well, I can't say for the rest. I've always thought they were beautiful. Hiding several meanings under one line, or maybe even a word is unnervingly smart, and I...