It's Inevitable Isn't it?



I'm upset.
The first time for this year that I am upset at home.
It's not his fault, really. It's not.
I just...-I'm not... I-I..
*takes a deep breath*
I'm just upset.. Is all.

 It was my choice to tell him.
The truth.
Everything.
I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, for me to explain. Because that would mean re-opening my wounds and scars for him to see. But.. well..

 It's not his fault.
I don't blame him.

 I want to take this secret to my grave, and it's horribly selfish of me but I don't want to be the one to break it to my parents. So I had other people do it for me.
He looked like he didn't want to keep this on his own, but I told him that he could tell anyone he wants -my parents, my family, my relatives, whoever related to me- after I die.

 Some of them may have a hunch that something is wrong with me.
I don't give a shit.
So long as it doesn't have to come outta my mouth.

 I asked Kei out today, for the purpose of letting him in the loop.
It was a hard feat. 
I was trembling all the way our journey and it took me a great effort to keep it hidden. Kei's pretty sharp most of the time.

 Jittery panics were fluttering in my chest as I peel off my scars to explain to him. I'd only managed to act normal for the sake of his dignity. 
And our friendship. Because I know should I break before him, he wouldn't know how to react and my mind would supply him as 'useless' and I would have to break all ties with him just I had with the rest of normal humans.

 After he sent me home, I was barely holding myself in check to open the locks.
I don't want to make him feel guilty.
I don't blame him. 

 Even if he'd say that he'd understand, how can I say that I broke down in tears right after I was safely locked inside the confines of my home?

How it hurts so much to explain my scars one by one.
To explain that I have to accept that I could never have anyone to love me and vice versa. How not fucking normal I am.

 I want that, I do.
I want the trust, the safety, the love, that one gains from a steady relationship. But it's obvious I can't. I can't have those.

 I never will.

 It probably shows in how much I project myself onto Stiles because I wanted what he has with Derek. As much as other couples as well, like Steve and Tony, Marco and Celia, Shion and Emma, Shion and Nezumi, etc etc.

 Because I can't have what they have.

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