AkImA No NiKkI

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at ...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

My insomnia is acting up again. I've taken two sleeping pills yesterday morning and last night, yet the only hours I've been able to sleep is 3 this morning from 7-9. I promised my psychiatrist that I'll only take them if I hadn't gotten any sleep more than 24 hours and now my head is kicking up a storm. I wonder if it'd be superstitious to say it'd have something related with the dream of mirrors I had couple of days ago. I'm starting to think the dream of mirrors were dragged up by the most recent void memory being surfaced. Maybe it's a reaction. God, I don't know. There were similarities. Maybe my head cocked up a dream from what it interpreted as a hey-you-got-a-memory-back-here's-a-gift thing. I saw 14 years old me like a mirror with a reflection that wasn't truly mine eventhough I feel her as myself and the dream...turned it sinister, even when I considered the coming-back memory a positive one despite what it entailed. Why...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

It's February and we're safely well past the flood season. Temperature's hot in the afternoon but it settles very nicely with a breeze and shades as the evening creeps in. It's been a week since I started class observation at SMK TM (1) a.k.a my old highschool meaning there's another week to go before it ends. Thankfully, the process on the first day went smoothly for me. I did have to wait a couple of hours in the morning because there was a Going Back To School ceremony in the halls and the principal had to entertain guests before he comes into the office but soon as I showed him the letter and explained everything, there was little to no problem with the rest. I was referred to the PKP (Right Administration Secretary) right away to settle my schedule and my teacher trainer.  I went around introducing myself, or, re-introducing myself, in any case, to the teachers. Most of them remembers me as a familiar face and I feel honored. I remember them too, well, ...

Happy New Year of 2017, everyone. There. That's the extent of my greetings to summarize the end of an old year to a new one because frankly, I don't feel any difference. It just feels like any other same date like previous new years.  We're in the middle of Finals to end our 2nd term and even after that, there isn't much time for end-of-term breaks because of the 2 weeks observation thing. Granted, I've chosen a school close to home so it might as well feel just like I'm going back to school. Right now, I'm sitting my ass going through notes and slides to prepare for the next paper in 2 days alone in my room because roomie went back to her brother's house in KL. New year started off with me, my feet up on the desk, dirty tupperware from dinner by the side, quarter empty hot chocolate in hand, laptop open with multitude equal of sociology notes and recent anime episodes. Huzzah. (deadpan) 2016 was when I just got into PALAM early Feb and t...

I AM DYING I AM POSITIVELY DYING I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BUT EP 10 JUST CAME OUT YESTERDAY AND WE GOT MONDAY AND TUESDAY OFF SO I FIGURED IT'D BE FINE TO FINALLY BINGEWATCH HAIKYUU!! SEASON 3 KARASUNO VS SHIRATORIZAWA AND I JUST FINISHED BINGE-WATCHING IT THAT'S WHY THIS POST IS GOING TO BE IN FULL CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I AM SCREAMING FAIRLY WARNED ALSO THERE WILL BE NO PUNCTUATIONS WHATSOEVER  BECAUSE I AM SCREAMING AND DYING AND WHEEZING AND SPAZZING ALSJSSDUFYURFYBGCTYBGCDSBJSJDGHSDFGKSDEYRETIRYTYRUODJHJDFBJSDBCJBCBVJDGFHJGUGSSHHFHRUGURYRYTUROEPWODASKDJDJHFDBVNBVNCXVBJFHGHJGRYSEURYYTIUAKHSDJGADFHGGASKDLFLKJSDKKJFHRTURTIRFUSADJHDKJAJKSAKJFBVCNBVNBVNCBVNBVJHFGGFSUKJDAHFJDBMNBVMNCVHJDGFKJGKSFGLDSHGKJDBVBVMNCBVNCMBVHJBV OOHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGGGOOOOOODDDDDDDDD MY SOOOOOONNNSSSSS MY BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSSS TSUKKI YOU SALTY SON OF A MAMA CROW I AM SO FUCKING PROUD HOW HOW HOW THE HELL IS MY HEART SO FULL AND HAPPY AND I AM CRYING DEAR GOD I AM ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY CR...

Today has officially begins the rainy (flood, for most eastern coast states) season because it has not stopped raining cats and dogs from dawn till right this moment which is 12.04 morning the next day. It's that time of the year again, guys. Ready the boats. (sigh) I hope there won't be anything like last 2 years. (I just jinxed myself, didn't I. Fuck.) Well, I'm writing as midterm nearly ends anyway, with my ticket scheduled for tomorrow night. There are plenty of loose ends (read:assignments) to tie up once I reach college and then Finals will start to end the term. I wonder if I'll make it home for my birthday. Ah..I'm turning 21 next year. Mmm...Yay? Honestly, the only thing I could think of about my 21st birthday is "wow now I'm legally obligated to vote. fuck." . Geh. I noticed that these couple of weeks have been...rough, to say it mildly. Some nightmares were making a comeback continuously for weeks making me lose sleep more tha...

*sniff* ey, y'alls. So, breaking news. I'm sick. Again. I keep getting sick a lot this year. -_-||| It's just a small fever so there's no fuss about it, though. Yet I do have a few things to reiterate regarding the issue. Last Friday, I had a major relapse. It went on until yesterday (Sunday) and as much as I didn't want to think about the possibility that it may have been the reason for my sudden fever, they seem to collide on the same time area and I can't help being suspicious. The last time this happened was 2 years ago in Shah Alam, when I was still with Amelia and Irene. To compare it to this one was dismissable to say the least. Back then, I was at my worst. I hate the nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks, meltdowns, everything I was having for months before and when opportunity arose, I wanted to pass out from it all. Even if I knew I was sick and feverish, I didn't give a damn about it. I did all my work early just so that I could pro...

Oooossuu~ Okay, recently I've started watching Haikyuu!!! and it's basically the first time I've ever watched a sports-based anime, KageHina pairing notwithstanding. I mean, I like the pairing first before the anime and that's usually how I find my fandoms. I see a cute pairing, I wonder who they are, I look them up, and proceed to ship them. Then I see their friends, and I wonder how the plot went connecting around them. Eventually, I would've been sucked into the whirlpool of binge-watching the series and ended up loving them even more. It's a series of unending obsession with one thing after another, tbh. LOL KageHina pairing is cute as balls, I admit. They remind me a lot of SasuNaru, in a way, but not entirely similar. Hinata has as much character as Naruto and Kageyama to Sasuke. And DaiSuga is definitely the Dad-Mom pairing of the group, although to be frank, when you're in a more-than-5 group of friends, you're likely to have one Dad fr...

First term is nearing its end, second term awaits in Sept. Finals is in 3 days and lasts for 8 days, including the gap between the papers. I know, it's hella short but hey, considering we only have 5 papers to sit, it makes sense. Besides, the quicker we end it the better. First paper is Literature, this Thursday morning. Why is it my fav subject that always goes first? In high school, it was English. Now, Literature. It's like they're saving the worst for the last. (I suppose that's exactly what they had in mind, all things considered.) Mom finally asked me what the shit has crawled up my ass and died in according to my surly attitude back during Gawai break. I told her I was just butthurt that they didn't have enough trust in me to keep my priorities regarding Sis and they treated me like I was a stupid teen instead of a mature young adult who knows my way around life. Well no, I don't exactly know my way around life, seeing that I'm an ex-cutter ...

I had another panic attack last night. Somewhere around 3.14 in the morning and the moment I fell asleep when the sun is high in the sky. I stopped putting reasons and logic to it by now, knowing that I'd only be repeating the same speech in my head like a broken record. Not like it helps anyway. I countered a passage, in a Sabriel fanfic, that I feel is beautiful. "It's not a fight. There's no winning or losing. It's an ocean. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. When it comes in, you just have to do a little swimming, that's all." It's a tide. How accurate. There were times when reasons and logic would've been my rock, I suppose. But reasons and logic don't explain shit about my mental crap. Don't do shit about why or when or how this kind of crap still happens to me -in me. Emotions have no logic. And I hate everything about them, both of them. It was a pleasant thought that I carry to bed. Thoughts of tinkling laughter and e...

Mom just had a heart-to-heart talk to me. I say "to" and not "with" because in reality, I hadn't participated. It was an intervention, not a discussion.  It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to, I was simply..afraid. The truth is, she had seen me crying on the phone with Amelia two days ago (as written per my last post) and she had assumed it was over a boy (ridiculous since we all know how flat my love-life is) or a book (understandable.) or a storyline (also understandable.). I'd given her the usual "I'm fine, it's nothing" but she's quite persistent. It's obvious she knew I'm hiding a lotta shit, but I think she might be referring to the failed interviews. Or at least, I hope she is.  She told me I've been an egotistical assbutt (not in that wording but you get the gist) and while I agree I was before everything went up to shit, the thought that went through my mind was "yeah but right now I'm just a pile...

As of the moment, I am writing with tears fresh and rolling on my face, skin blotched red with exertion, and breaths alternating with sniffles and sobs. But still I write, because I want to recount yesterday's memories that is etched in the list of torture my demons have gleefully gained. Let's start at the beginning. 12th August 2015. The UPU result is out and everybody is anxious to check out their future. Mine popped out in a single sentence. Science Information (Honours) Library Management Program in Puncak Perdana Campus, Puncak Alam, Selangor. That was it.  I am actually relieved to hear that I even GOT an offer. I figured, could be worse, right?  I gotta focus on the present and avoid any more screw ups. I know Mom and Dad and mostly everyone will be shocked and unhappy but what's done is done. Gotta roll with it, right? Wrong. Unhappy was the vaguest I could give. As of yesterday, I had been flung against the wall of my mistakes repeatedly until there w...

I don't understand the concept of "I'd take a bullet for you." Odd ice-breaker, I know, but often spontaneous thoughts elicit the most interesting reactions from some people. More often than not, I find myself answering my own questions in a lengthy conversation with myself. In my head. Sounds nuts, but believe it or not, these days, a lot of people can relate. Back to the point. I get that the phrase is used as a show of devotion of sorts, sometimes metaphorically and sometimes (though unlikely in a civillian life) literally. But still. I mean, why would you think your partner would be happy to know that you'd die for them and leave that sort of burden on their conscience? Wouldn't it be more prudent (and more meaningful I'd say) to say "I'd let you eat my portion of fries"? Plus you won't likely to die afterwards, leaving your partner in anguish and sorrow. me too, bud. Are people supposed to feel flattered to know that thei...