AkImA No NiKkI

First actual update since 2020 started. Spoilers, it's shit. The world has gone apocalyptic, just like I always thought it would someday, and humanity is both fucked and blessed. For one, Earth gets a clean-up on parasites, which is nice. For two, exposure of how rotten humanity can go CAN surprise you no matter how bad you thought it would be.  And surprise, surprise, Twitter is bad for my mental health. Who else is not surprised?  I consider myself having a good grip on my anger considering I managed to realize the issue at a young age and subsequently, consciously, make an effort to curb it. But Twitter is making me re-evaluate that bar and by the end of this term, I either deactivate my accounts and never look at it ever again or I set a higher, stronger grip on my anger management.  Either way, shit is rolling whether I like it or not. Maybe it was cowardly that I would choose ignorance to the world to preserve my sanity, but I never proclaimed myself a knigh...

There are times when I feel grief over losing Beloved. I know it's just empty grief. A feeling of loss over the idealized version of them. Feelings of betrayal over what had happened that ended with waves of emptiness. When I have no words to portray these, knowing some people would take it as "I'm not yet moving on" or "It's been forever, get over it" or "this is a new level of pathetic", I keep the grief to myself. Coming from strangers wouldn't have done anything, but I don't know what I would've done had it came from someone I trusted to be there for me -someone I thought who would hold me. Because it's not like that.  I have  moved on. I don't stay up nights wishing with all the hope in my heart they would come back to me. I don't cry myself for hours in showers, reminiscing all that I should've done and could've done. I can say their name and remember their face with a smile on my lips, knowing they ...

So it's the first week of my final semester as a degree TESL student. I'll be soon swamped with assignments and deadlines and meetings with my supervisor about my AE, or otherwise known as thesis or FYP (final year project). Granted, I hope I will be able to finish it on time and graduate on time without problems.  Aaaaaand I just jinxed myself.  Great. We're going on a great start, y'all. My new renthouse is situated on level four this semester, though luckily I got somewhere within the same apartment compound and the same block so I don't have to re-familiarize myself with the environment. But the whole level four thing is really huge because my legs are still cramping and I'm out of breath like an asthmatic person by the time I reach my house.  No joke, I actually cried a little thinking when I had to lug all of my shit when I moved in. Without the help of the contractor -he came over to have me sign tenant contract and shit, I would've probab...

How do I pull parts of me that are fragmented? Those parts of yourself when you were just a little kid, not knowing how to be yourself other than just existing as you are. The absolute conviction that you are YOU.  Where do they go? My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.  I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.  When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bo...

The part of me that wishes to see the future is slowly, slowly, being rekindled. Like a dying ember on a dry coal that's been covered by a damp moss after rainy season. Dissociation is still strong, even after the whole disaster of me unsuccessfully killing myself again for the fourth time. So is my apathy. It's a chance-circle shooting game up in here, hour after hour. I find myself zoning out, unable to return to my head. I find myself unable to empathize with my friends, despite knowing I should if I want to keep them around.  With dissociation, I can't find the controls in my head to flick on the empathy switch. I'm not in there. Nothing is. I'd find my body sitting upright on the bed, staring at a spot for hours. It heavily reminded me of highschool nights, minus the blank spots in my memories. I'm a little okay now, with my broken heart. I'm healing.  It's still a bitch most days, and I know I've totally become that edgy emo sad bitch ...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

I'm planning a day of exploring and adventure tomorrow, or today, actually, looking at the time. Not first thing in the morning like I would've liked to because I regretfully have stupid co-curriculum stuff but at least it's only couple of hours at asscrack in the morning so it doesn't cut into the day all that much. After that, I'm bolting it. Plan? I'm gonna see cats. And play with cats. Surround myself with cats. Like a therapy with cats. PALAM don't got any cats (like a lucky charm that's only found if you go on a sacred journey and fulfill a grand quest to save the world) and somehow this morning (well, yesterday morning but whatever) I just thought, I need to see (and possibly touch) some cats or I'm gonna go crazy. You can say it's a random thought that popped in. That I will most definitely impulsively follow. Because cats. It'll probably seem jarring what I'm writing right now compared to the recent previous post ...

It's been couple of good days recently. I'm warily glad. Sometimes I still forget my assignment tasks and that sorta scares me a bit because I remember having been nearly on point with my works but occasionally, my groupmates remind me and that scrapes the uneasiness a bit from my chest. I used to be able to discern my work from personal really well up until this point and looking at how it's suddenly affecting each other makes me feel incompetent. What I said during the last ice-breaking session in FE class is no more true than the fact that I love reading. I am good with separating my work and personal lives.  It's just that the notion applies only to outside people from myself. Because obviously I am the greatest danger to my own person. If I'm smart, I'd do something about that and yeah, I'm learning and trying, but things don't always move like we want them to. It's like trying to tell people who has anxiety to stop feeling anxious or ...

I'm stumped. This report is killing me FFS  💀😭😭 It's 3 days later since Field Experience is over and I know I said something about starting work immediately because procrastinating will bite me in the ass later but looking at the guideline make my head just go BLANK. 😭 The Administration book I copied seemed almost useless right now, I swear. 💧 It probably won't once I start to get into my work zone but then again, there's like nil motivation to even open the file and the more I worry about procrastinating the more I actually DO procrastinate in real life, wtf me. 😑💧 I needlessly worry when I look at the dates as February gets closer to the end and thinks about the deadline while I do nothing about it. Uggghhhhh.. *eternal facepalm*

I finished the Field Experience course at exactly yesterday, 16th of Feb 2017, 2.00 p.m. The last day of being a ROS teacher at my old highschool was spent just me walking around the school looking for my ex teachers to properly say goodbye and give my thanks. Of course it wasn't only for my ex teachers but I did sort of went out of my way to visit their office rooms and one time, I had to interrupt a class so that I wouldn't miss them. I'm pretty sure I missed some of the teachers though, because they were busy with classes and grading notebooks for monthly check-ups but, well, I tried my best, so. Pardon my gross incompetence. *bows* Now, looks like it's work time for me. I still have to write a shit ton of things like the ROS report, the 10 page paper, and preparing the slides for group presentation. Although admittedly, there's no progress on the last bit since I've yet to ask anyone for group members. Geh. 😑😒💧💧 Well, work is work. Though it...