AkImA No NiKkI

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate t...

This feels more like an emergency update if anything else. I don't sleep at nights anymore, being an insomniac, only being able to fulfill my body's necessity after 8 a.m and beyond. Of course with the quarantine and my unemployment, it's not being a bother to my daily routine, but I imagine when it's over and I have a job, not being able to sleep at nights and having to wake up at an early morning and work all day and rinse and repeat will eventually fail my body and my health.  It's only not being a problem now but it will surely be a problem later. Anyway, I'm just here to spill out some thoughts, which I have religiously ignored in turn of various distractions. I should likely start from the beginning. Some time around a week ago, I believe (I can't tell because my time scope is honestly fucked up by now after half a year sitting at home), there was an issue with a famous figure being outed as a sexual predator and his victims stepping up to voice their ...

First actual update since 2020 started. Spoilers, it's shit. The world has gone apocalyptic, just like I always thought it would someday, and humanity is both fucked and blessed. For one, Earth gets a clean-up on parasites, which is nice. For two, exposure of how rotten humanity can go CAN surprise you no matter how bad you thought it would be.  And surprise, surprise, Twitter is bad for my mental health. Who else is not surprised?  I consider myself having a good grip on my anger considering I managed to realize the issue at a young age and subsequently, consciously, make an effort to curb it. But Twitter is making me re-evaluate that bar and by the end of this term, I either deactivate my accounts and never look at it ever again or I set a higher, stronger grip on my anger management.  Either way, shit is rolling whether I like it or not. Maybe it was cowardly that I would choose ignorance to the world to preserve my sanity, but I never proclaimed myself a knigh...

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows.  There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree. Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being. Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently...

The part of me that wishes to see the future is slowly, slowly, being rekindled. Like a dying ember on a dry coal that's been covered by a damp moss after rainy season. Dissociation is still strong, even after the whole disaster of me unsuccessfully killing myself again for the fourth time. So is my apathy. It's a chance-circle shooting game up in here, hour after hour. I find myself zoning out, unable to return to my head. I find myself unable to empathize with my friends, despite knowing I should if I want to keep them around.  With dissociation, I can't find the controls in my head to flick on the empathy switch. I'm not in there. Nothing is. I'd find my body sitting upright on the bed, staring at a spot for hours. It heavily reminded me of highschool nights, minus the blank spots in my memories. I'm a little okay now, with my broken heart. I'm healing.  It's still a bitch most days, and I know I've totally become that edgy emo sad bitch ...

I am currently at sis's place in Tg.Malim, Perak. Waiting for the day my usefulness runs out and I return home to Kelantan only to be a burdensome freeloader. I've just finished the 6th semester, and starting February, a friend and I will be carrying out our practicum at SMK Seksyen 7 in Shah Alam for nearly 4 months. We have scouted a rent house and expected to deal a contract duration to move in around January until the end of practicum. I have moved out of the apartment I lived in during 6th semester a week ago. I've not taken my meds for a 3 weeks. I spent Christmas holidays with Mya and Indah, and it was the only relief of the whole year. It is now 2019. Nothing is different. I am dissociating, that much is obvious. I have begun to feel distaste for interaction other than necessary, yet knowing if I do not get them done, I will be alone. Help will not come. There are words stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Emotions I swallow along with them and burn at ...

Last weekends, I went home, to make my passport. Because I have no class on Fridays till Mondays, that makes my weekends 4 days long a week, so I feel very blessed. Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with. Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know. By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that m...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

It's a complicated day. But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry. I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight.  I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth.  So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could. The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize. I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work. I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize. That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized. On another note...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...