AkImA No NiKkI

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows.  There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree. Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being. Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...

It's a sad day. I miss them. Mom and dad and sis and nephew and baby bro and baby sis and Amelia and Irene. I miss him. It doesn't make sense, since we are not apart by heart, only in physical context, yet still it's there. Yeah I know I'm whining. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them though. And him. I've drawn, and written. A little afraid to sleep in case I hate to wake. It's cold with no warmth in sight. Work is tedious. Work is stressful. Work is, for once, nothing enjoyable. I don't want to be afraid. So I won't. But still I'll say it, how much I miss them. I hope the coming bookcamp will be fun. The people and strangers might be overwhelming, but at least they bring books with them. And with that, there should be enough excitement of talks of books. I don't want to curl in my blanket and sleep. I'll forget about the rest of the world, and right now, I can't do that. Even as I hate work right now, and there...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

I just arrived at college this morning straight from Banting, Selangor from a classmate's house after staying there for 2 days and 2 nights, filming scenes for our Lit&Media movie project. It was fun and tiring and memorable all at once and I love that I'll be able to have these memories. But as soon as I got back to my room, a depressive mood sets in. Roomie left to her brother's house in KL because we have Monday off. To be honest, it was probably something unwittingly mentioned by me during our stay in Banting. I didn't even know why it came out of my mouth, it just..did. And it was too late to take it back by the time they acknowledged it and, well, I held off the gloomy funk until the filming is over. Sometimes, little tidbits of things before The Incident came through without me realizing it, things that I didn't even remember had happened until after I said it. A pair of thick arms caging me in on top of me. Whispers of words. Fleeting snake-like t...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

I don't know what's wrong. There seems to be nothing wrong, at all, yet I don't feel it. It's wearing me thin, night after night. I want to know what is wrong so I can damn fix it . I have to fix it. I wake up, everything is okay. I look around the house, I do my chores as content I can be. Mom and Dad comes home and our interaction is easy, light-hearted and comforting. I laugh and smile as genuinely I can feel. Nothing is wrong. Lil' sis comes home, I ask about her day and play with her if I could. Lifting her up or rough-housing or tickling. We laugh and the shrill voices carry around the house. Nothing is wrong. Evening passes and I spend it appropriately around my family, whether it be Mom or Dad or Sis or Lil' sis. It is genuine and wonderful and calming and everything is alright . Yet.....when I am alone in the nights, I am sad . This sadness....I don't know it. It's unfamiliar to me. It's not from my past and it's not ...

I had the best time out with Sis and Bro and (unborn) nephew last 3 days. ^^ They picked me up at college on the afternoon of 7th and we went to Subang to check in to a budget hotel, not unlike the ones Sis and I stayed at when we went to Shah Alam for my degree interview at In-Tech. Sis wanted to check out the new Bookalicious store she followed on IG at the Summit Mall in Subang and naturally, I'd be tagging along because BOOKS! CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF BOOKS! Hehe x3 I really had fun during the whole time we were out and together, whether it's the crazy conversations in the car or trying to choose dinner on a weird named food on the menu. I'm starting to like my big brother as well. That's quite a big confession isn't it? Nearly 6 months ago, I've only referred to him as "a stranger" or "the stranger" and then later, after the marriage and after sis and I made up, he was referred to as "her husband" or "bro-in-law...

Happy New Year of 2017, everyone. There. That's the extent of my greetings to summarize the end of an old year to a new one because frankly, I don't feel any difference. It just feels like any other same date like previous new years.  We're in the middle of Finals to end our 2nd term and even after that, there isn't much time for end-of-term breaks because of the 2 weeks observation thing. Granted, I've chosen a school close to home so it might as well feel just like I'm going back to school. Right now, I'm sitting my ass going through notes and slides to prepare for the next paper in 2 days alone in my room because roomie went back to her brother's house in KL. New year started off with me, my feet up on the desk, dirty tupperware from dinner by the side, quarter empty hot chocolate in hand, laptop open with multitude equal of sociology notes and recent anime episodes. Huzzah. (deadpan) 2016 was when I just got into PALAM early Feb and t...

Yesterday we (me with three classmates) went to SK Slim Village (where Bro teach) for a project observation for a subject. Of course, we cleared out the formalities between the faculty and the school parties beforehand. We rented out a car for half a day with a fairly reasonable price and went off our way with the help of a navigational app. I have my agenda for suggesting the school in the first place, naturally, that is to pop-in and see Sis for a short while. The rest didn't seem to mind, taking my connection with a willing candidate a plus, if anything else. If they minded, they didn't show. In the middle of a class activity It was fun, and our observation went smoothly. I daresay to expect the end result to be well -if not slightly tilted- done. Though that is yet to be judged by the lecturer lol We finished by the end of the class, and gave our respects and thank-gift by the office before leaving for Sis's house (I'm not sure if the term 'my second ho...

Ooosu~ It's weekends for the first week of second semester, for me at least, because I don't have any classes on Fridays. Teehee! xP I suppose that's about to change next week, if what we heard about the schedule change is correct. Oh, well. When have I ever complained about work. *shrug* Although I do complain a lot about the people I work with, that's normal coming from me. When have I ever NOT complain about people? Hahahahaha xD Yesterday, we had our first class on Counselling. Why is there a class on Counselling this semester you ask? Beats me. Apparently it's a necessity for future teachers to be able to counsel their students in an orderly manner (OF COURSE!!!). It looks like CSS (College Study Skills) a little to me, I guess. Though gladly focusing on the student than the teacher. In my opinion, we do actually need more perceptive and professional counsellors in education wings. My experiences in those area are frankly, disgustingly horrible. I woul...