AkImA No NiKkI

Every year, I go to visit Amelia and Irene in Kedah and we have a sleepover. This tradition began when Foundation ended and we began our degree, because we didn't want our connection to end with Foundation. It has been going on for four years now, from the year I started my degree till the end.  A picture taken as we wait for our order in a Korean cafe during lunch hour (it was amazing how Mya and Irene manage to find places nary of people and we could eat and spend our time together in peace because God knows how stressful it would've been if the place was crowded with people and noisy as fuck)   Every year, it doesn't seem we change all that much, in terms of appearance. I still look as dumb and mediocre next to the two of them like I do in Foundation and they still accept my gremlin-looking ass next to them (hahaha). Generally, we don't keep in touch with each other all that much, other than sporadic events here and there. We're more of those kind of fri...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

It's been couple weeks, yeah. So some shit been solved, some shit turns up. Most of the good shit, like problems with authority and keys and work are doing good. Mostly. Bad shit is, well, as always, people. Fucking goddamn stupid ass dumbfucked people. Y'all might see this as a new progress but my psychiatrist who I been seeing since last 2017 August for every month outside of holidays and semester breaks have told me that my appointments from now are gonna be spread out from once in 2 months. Eventhough I have my monthly pick up meds prescription. Know why? Because last time I saw him, I was to the brink of throwing myself out of the seventh floor of the faculty building. Because goddamn people of this society, this cultural background, have such an ignorant stigma for mental health. I get it. My folks don't even believe in mine still and they think the meds was a one time thing. They don't wanna know how disturbed I get without my daily meds. Hell they don't...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...

It's a sad day. I miss them. Mom and dad and sis and nephew and baby bro and baby sis and Amelia and Irene. I miss him. It doesn't make sense, since we are not apart by heart, only in physical context, yet still it's there. Yeah I know I'm whining. Doesn't change the fact that I miss them though. And him. I've drawn, and written. A little afraid to sleep in case I hate to wake. It's cold with no warmth in sight. Work is tedious. Work is stressful. Work is, for once, nothing enjoyable. I don't want to be afraid. So I won't. But still I'll say it, how much I miss them. I hope the coming bookcamp will be fun. The people and strangers might be overwhelming, but at least they bring books with them. And with that, there should be enough excitement of talks of books. I don't want to curl in my blanket and sleep. I'll forget about the rest of the world, and right now, I can't do that. Even as I hate work right now, and there...

It's a complicated day. But first I would like to deeply and genuinely apologize to my A&E groupmates for being unable to attend the school visit. I am truthfully sorry. I will take up the leftover report and happily and willingly do what I can to pull up my weight.  I know I have been nothing short of a burden this semester, and this is not self-hatred, this is the absolute factual truth.  So please, give me my share of work and more. I will redeem myself as honestly as I could. The Monday incident impacted our schedules and I deeply apologize. I will ensure such the likes of that will never happen again in the line of work. I prided myself to having separate personal lives and work lives and yet this has been a gross encroachment to that statement and I will do whatever it takes to reclaim it to its original state. Again, I deeply apologize. That being said, my responsibility as a student and a groupmate will be prioritized. On another note...

So. It's been a while. Pardon, while I can say I've been busy, that would be a lie, so I'd rather not. To be honest, I haven't had anything to write, thus my long absence. Who knew balancing mental health with social life and work life and love life provides you with little less to no time to muck in your thoughts? Nah, those are excuses on my part.  I do have things to write about. It's just that most of them recently have been, ah, private in the way that they involve and intertwine with someone else's, therefore it would be imprudent of me to expose them.  Had it be my own, you have no restriction to how deep you can go, depending on who you are. It's well into mid-term now and work are piling steady on up as much as the stress of dealing with the disliked lecturers who comes with it. It bums me out deeply how there's nothing to look forward to academically for classes. There are relaxing ones, and then there are the stressing ones. Just...

Yes, you read it right. No, it's not "prettiness", it's "pettiness". Lose the "r", as in "petty". It's the first week of August, and date's growing nearer. There are a lot of things I wanna mention since the last post but, I figure what's past should be left in the past. Not to say we shouldn't learn from them though (the car-meds incident). Following up on the car-meds incident  (short run-through : I was supposed to get my meds update at the local hospital last 1st August but I was too scared to tell Mom since she disapprove of my 'crazy' meds and resorted, stupidly, to drive my own ass eventhough it would be the first time I'd have been behind wheels for the last 4 years. Long story short, I got my ass whooped when I got home and to top it off, I didn't even get my meds update because the local hospital, quote unquote, does not have the necessary qualifications for the medic I need. What bullshit.)...

Greetings. It's been a while, haha. I'm at home, lounging my ass off until 10th of September which is when the next semester starts, namely, my 4th.  I've decided to stay in the same group again, mainly because a friend guilt-tripped me into it lol. As long as we keep the assholery of work to a minimum. I like the girls, really. I just like them outside of work when we're not working together. That's really inevitable,  next to impossible, yes I am aware. I am also aware that the girls can be made to understand this. Regardless, as the holidays span, I have exciting plans await! xD Not gonna jinx it yet but Amelia, Irene, and I have plans around late August. Hopefully it'll come to fruition smoothly! I miss them both so dearly. I hear rumors that PALAM will have a KTM line to KL Central in the future. Let's hope that's neither false or too far off because if that's true, my weekends would likely be spent in KL half the time. hahaha Recen...

My bus is tonight. And to be honest, I'm not all that excited to go home. I mean, I'm excited and can't wait to meet Sis and Harraz and my siblings again, but I'm not too sure about my parents. After the whole 'crazy' fiasco, they treated me like nothing happened and, while a part of me is not surprised with the treatment, another part is also scared. Fear has become a common comrade to me these years. I know Sis said they can't understand, but will they blame me for it? I'm sure they already did, they were quite vocal about my misgivings the last time I tried to tell them. Even if they already know about my state, will they consider anything in regards to it? All these years, I've become accustomed to directing all wrongdoings to myself. I wasn't like that as a child. It started because of "her" voice. Telling me to "stay still" and "don't fight" and "you have nice skin" and "it'll b...

Right, so, Ramadhan is here. Yeayy~ And I'm on a week break (my bus is tomorrow morning tho) for now, at home, then go back for another 2 weeks of work and then another one week break for Eidul Fitr. First thing I want to address is how frickin smushy my sparkling new drooling baby nephew is. Y'all might wanna see him in my IG post ( BABY NEPHEW ) and I would like to claim that I am the favorite aunt, FYI. And yes, you shall read these sentences with the sound of pride in my voice, or however it is I may sound like in your doozy little heads. I am also the best babysitter, self-proclaimed and approved by the biological mother, i.e Sis. In other words, I rule. There will be a time when I shall receive the ultimate acknowledgement of my babysitting powers. THE MUG. I love the little tyke so much already. I mean, duh, he came out of SIS. Even if he were a potato (he is quite the angry potato tho) I'd still love him and cherish him. I have so many nicknames already ...

So I didn't exactly keep that last post up to date, huh. Well, here I am. Nearly 2 weeks later. Ha. The trip to the hospital was fine. I took a close classmate with me because one, I'm hella scared and not ashamed to admit it, and two, it's been my policy to always have a viable witness in case anything happens. Not that anything's gonna happen, but just in case. * shrug * I'm paranoid like that. At first the nurse at the counter was pissed at me 'cause we didn't make an early appointment and treated an expert facility like a walk-in try-out when I gave her the referral letter but she got quiet after reading the letter and asked us to sit somewhere while she ask for available professors. I didn't read the letter when I got it and my classmate couldn't read the doc's handwriting (I could, it's a bit like Mom's) but I happened to read snippets of sentences as the letter was passed around to me in the process of getting my informati...