AkImA No NiKkI

I've had this draft in the safe for a while. I have a tendency to open a blank page, intending to write, but whited out after putting down the title. Whether I lost interest in writing it, or decided I shouldn't, and later changed my mind, who knows.  There is 2 weeks left until I  start my final semester of degree. Honestly, I don't know how I got here (do you have 90 minutes?) and admittedly, I've had close encounters because let's face it, my failed 4th (?5th?) suicide attempt is still fairly recent. Speaking of recent, I feel better. I've unloaded some burdens, some baggage, so at the least part, I could think in rational terms which is a lot healthier for my well-being. Apparently that showed in my appetite. People around me have been asking me why I've gotten "chubby", and for a while, that bugged me, because it resulted in poking at my self-esteem in a way I have never thought about before. I began to look at myself differently...

How do I pull parts of me that are fragmented? Those parts of yourself when you were just a little kid, not knowing how to be yourself other than just existing as you are. The absolute conviction that you are YOU.  Where do they go? My friend is broken. Sometimes they come to me hoping I can be with them at the moment. They don't ask what I can't afford. All I needed to be was present. But existing is something we both are having trouble with. Something most of us have trouble with. I don't know how other people do it, and it's very likely that even if I asked, it wouldn't work the same way for me or her or us.  I can't persuade my kid to not say things like "if I die pursuing my dreams, so be it" because I have issues with dying just to not exist. I have no rights. I can't tell someone to live when I myself am someone who is still figuring out how to. And the desire to.  When I can't sleep and dredges of the void drags my chest to the bo...

The part of me that wishes to see the future is slowly, slowly, being rekindled. Like a dying ember on a dry coal that's been covered by a damp moss after rainy season. Dissociation is still strong, even after the whole disaster of me unsuccessfully killing myself again for the fourth time. So is my apathy. It's a chance-circle shooting game up in here, hour after hour. I find myself zoning out, unable to return to my head. I find myself unable to empathize with my friends, despite knowing I should if I want to keep them around.  With dissociation, I can't find the controls in my head to flick on the empathy switch. I'm not in there. Nothing is. I'd find my body sitting upright on the bed, staring at a spot for hours. It heavily reminded me of highschool nights, minus the blank spots in my memories. I'm a little okay now, with my broken heart. I'm healing.  It's still a bitch most days, and I know I've totally become that edgy emo sad bitch ...

Missed Messages  I had decided a day. I was ready. I couldn't bear breathing anymore. I wanted it all to end. I couldn't. The feel of smooth metal on my wrist was cold, almost sterile. It felt like I was finally able to breathe after spending so long gurgling salt water in my lungs. And then no more. No more. Without any goodbyes, without any notice. I was gonna finally die. Suddenly my phone chimed with a notification. Jack just uploaded a new video. I looked at it. Twisted my lips. Jack has been helping me a lot since I found him. Would it be rude to do this while the last notification I had on my phone was his video? I should be courteous, shouldn't I?  Would it make me a coward to have one last good thing to see before everything goes away? What does it matter. I will return to my end shortly after anyway. The artstyle caught my heart, despite my insistence to stop it from beating another beat. The longer I watched it, the more I felt c...

It's been 4 days since I finally finished my practicum and now at sis's house for the next two weeks before I go home to mom and dad. Sara and I celebrated, yada yada yada. On the last day before we sent our administration files, Amelia finally texted me back after four months of radio silence from each other, to end things between us. Surprisingly, I took it well. Mainly because I do not intend to survive this year and since my life is going to end, what does it matter if it ends a little early. It'll be less painful for her. The only thing she asked was to not do it to Irene, but I've already set things in motion. My apathy has been at peak condition for a while now. Ever since I decided to die. Nothing bothers me anymore. All that's left is just picking a day, for me. I'm as content as can be, and one can almost say, peaceful. Everything will end, and I'm happy. One way or another, you're okay without me, and that's good. Survive. Forget a...

It's okay. I won't be here long enough to think about it anymore. Soon I won't be afraid of being abandoned anymore, even if it's cowardly and selfish. When it's over, I can finally stop hurting them, and vice versa. I still need to decide a day to die.

Despite having decided to kill myself in another month, Moose keeps trying his best to get me to delay the inevitable. I appreciate his effort, but I've made up my mind.  I'm too tired to wait. I feel bad about it, sure, but, not bad enough to stop. I'll miss a lot of things too, of course, but not enough to stop.  I'm so tired of trying.  I want to take a break. And never getting up. Until the end. I can't go back, and I can't move forward. I'm stagnant like this, and I don't have it in me to keep going anymore. I'm so, so tired.  Back when I was so full of will to keep trying, I always had a reason. Now that they're gone, I'm set adrift without any will to swim.  Inhale the water and let me burn. I know Moose is trying to keep me afloat, or at least delay the process of me inhaling the water to my lungs. But in this analogy, only one person has ever succeeded, and nobody else can. It's a tale as old as time. I'm ti...