Control Measures
It's day 19 of MCO according to WHO update site. It should end by April 14th but confirmation of extension to 17th will be made clear on 10th. I say "confirmation" because we are expecting it but there is still chance for the declaration to be untrue, so.
I feel for the people who do not have a hermit lifestyle, really, I do. This must be hell on earth for them. And I know the only reason I get to live my hermit lifestyle is because I'm privileged and I acknowledge that. I think the alone time lets people be more introspective towards themselves and the people in their life though, so, silver lining.
It's always a good chance to learn something new about yourself and other people.
Me, generally, this is my every Wednesday to Friday. Self-introspection, People-introspection, gaining awareness, visiting memory lanes, etc etc etc. They generally happen when I get into a fandom, or a fanfic, or a ship dynamic, or a family dynamic -basically about most things I consume whether they be literary or hobby, go through these. Sometimes my mind is so empty I stare at walls for hours, and sometimes too many thoughts are flying inside my head I needed to breathe through the headaches.
Normal things, for me.
I'm not too arrogant to think there's nothing new anymore for me to be aware of, but sometimes I wish I could tone down the introspective part of me that's always gearing for new awareness. A type of emotional intelligence hunger, haha.
I wonder if being hyper-aware of the ongoings of your psyche counts as emotional intelligence, though. Of course the reason I keep track of them is to make sure nothing takes me by surprise and leave me paralyzed because that shit's scary as fuck and I'm paranoid as balls, yet I wonder if that could be seen as arrogant.
Does protecting myself counts as a selfish act?
The things that happen beyond my control scares me, so I endeavour to have every part of me that I can control perfectly under my grasp, and mine alone. I blame that on the traumatic experiences that forced me to develop this skill. I also thank it.
Which made me very intuitive and appreciative of strong characters like Stiles, Jiang Wanyin, Tony Stark, Hatori Chise, etc etc. Characters that has flaws and have made mistakes, learned from them, and thrived. Survived.
These characters had to survive the things that happened to them beyond their control, and they struggled to regain that control, but in the end, they succeeded. Even with casualties and burned bones along the way, they succeeded.
Stories that makes you think are the best stories.
Characters that makes you feel like you're looking into a mirror. Feel their frutsrations, feel their hopelessness, and know what it's like to lay curled on the ground, bleeding.
Sometimes, you have people to hold you.
Sometimes, you don't. So you have to pick yourself up and face the next day.
Don't think me weaker because I can't trust people.
I should be able to trust myself.
The two most top things I keep track of all the time whether they be conscious or subconscious, are my temper and my apathy. They are the two things I most fear from and of myself, yet, simultanously grateful for.
----I have more shit to say but unfortunately my dissociation is peaking and I can't write cause my autonomy is flickering ----I'll continue the post another day
I feel for the people who do not have a hermit lifestyle, really, I do. This must be hell on earth for them. And I know the only reason I get to live my hermit lifestyle is because I'm privileged and I acknowledge that. I think the alone time lets people be more introspective towards themselves and the people in their life though, so, silver lining.
It's always a good chance to learn something new about yourself and other people.
Me, generally, this is my every Wednesday to Friday. Self-introspection, People-introspection, gaining awareness, visiting memory lanes, etc etc etc. They generally happen when I get into a fandom, or a fanfic, or a ship dynamic, or a family dynamic -basically about most things I consume whether they be literary or hobby, go through these. Sometimes my mind is so empty I stare at walls for hours, and sometimes too many thoughts are flying inside my head I needed to breathe through the headaches.
Normal things, for me.
I'm not too arrogant to think there's nothing new anymore for me to be aware of, but sometimes I wish I could tone down the introspective part of me that's always gearing for new awareness. A type of emotional intelligence hunger, haha.
I wonder if being hyper-aware of the ongoings of your psyche counts as emotional intelligence, though. Of course the reason I keep track of them is to make sure nothing takes me by surprise and leave me paralyzed because that shit's scary as fuck and I'm paranoid as balls, yet I wonder if that could be seen as arrogant.
Does protecting myself counts as a selfish act?
The things that happen beyond my control scares me, so I endeavour to have every part of me that I can control perfectly under my grasp, and mine alone. I blame that on the traumatic experiences that forced me to develop this skill. I also thank it.
Which made me very intuitive and appreciative of strong characters like Stiles, Jiang Wanyin, Tony Stark, Hatori Chise, etc etc. Characters that has flaws and have made mistakes, learned from them, and thrived. Survived.
These characters had to survive the things that happened to them beyond their control, and they struggled to regain that control, but in the end, they succeeded. Even with casualties and burned bones along the way, they succeeded.
Stories that makes you think are the best stories.
Characters that makes you feel like you're looking into a mirror. Feel their frutsrations, feel their hopelessness, and know what it's like to lay curled on the ground, bleeding.
Sometimes, you have people to hold you.
Sometimes, you don't. So you have to pick yourself up and face the next day.
Don't think me weaker because I can't trust people.
I should be able to trust myself.
The two most top things I keep track of all the time whether they be conscious or subconscious, are my temper and my apathy. They are the two things I most fear from and of myself, yet, simultanously grateful for.
----I have more shit to say but unfortunately my dissociation is peaking and I can't write cause my autonomy is flickering ----I'll continue the post another day
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