Control pt2

Anyway, returning back to my previous post, the two main emotions I aggressively and tightly monitor whether it be from my subconscious or conscious, are my temper and apathy. The former because I have an intense fear of watching myself fall into a state of regret from the experiences and the observations I have compiled from the people around me since I was a child. I learned the destructive power behind the emotions of anger, and the consequences it leaves behind. The cold, seeping despair of regret. 

I watched them, compiled them, and vowed to myself to never become one of them. It's why I have tens and hundreds of ways to serve as a healthy outlet for my anger. So I will never mistakenly unleash an unfair abuse towards people I love, and the people who do not deserve them. I keep it in check, obsessively and religiously. At the very least, I try to, at the centre of my core. 

I know I have made mistakes.

I am aware I have made mistakes, and I will make mistakes in the future because I must accept that I am filled with flaws and imperfections. 

That I am human.

I must always remember too, that I cannot hold myself to an unreasonable standard. As much as I try to be kind to others around me, I must remember to be kind to myself too. To not punish myself for my mistakes and my slip-ups. To not berate myself for any and minute sign of weaknesses.

In the end, with an emotion as destructive as anger, the delicate balance between controlling not to direct it towards the people around you and towards yourself is a herculean task. One which people should realize is common sense.  

Apathy, on the other hand, is much more complicated than that. 

Sociopaths and Psychopaths have this as a natural trait, as a constant in them. They're born with it like normal humans are born with a nose and eyes and lips. They solidify with it and to them, it is as natural as the human skin and wields it without needing reason. 

I'm not saying I'm any of those, God, no. I'm comparing how they wield their apathy to how I do mine. It's no secret to anyone with half a brain who knows me well that I consider my apathy to be a double edged sword. I control the extent of it as obsessively as I try with my temper.

But the way to deal with apathy is different than the way I deal with anger. 

Apathy is as much my protection as they are my poison. It is equally likely to save me as much as it would kill me, depending on how I control it.

You know, kind of like a gun or a knife or any kind of weapon which could kill.

I have to wield my apathy as a weapon so I do not get overwhelmed and spiral every time someone else's emotions affect me, or something triggered me into a flashback, etc etc etc. I have to let it have half the control in the steering wheel in my head so I don't convulse on the floor regulating my breathing to come down from a panic attack. 

But equally, I have to not let it take control over the entire steering wheel because I would be desensitized to other people's pain, suffering, happiness, joy, sadness, and empathy. I would be void of relating to others and would develop a condescending behaviour of looking down on them. 

I don't want that.

I don't want to become that.

I do not wish to unnecessarily hurt people.

I do not wish to unnecessarily inflict pain unless in special cases which they deserve it.