Responsibilities of me and mine

 I thought the first thing I would've done after getting my own place to live would be getting a cat and slowly add up the numbers, but surprisingly, I was too caught up in the waves of changes in my growing life that caring for another living being became a thought too heavy for me to take up. The trains of my thoughts slowly became bigger until they turn into shapes and forms of their own that breathes into my living space, and commands my body. 

Caring for another seems a bigger responsibility that I thought I couldn't hold.

And as time goes on, I slowly forget how much joy cats can bring into my life, despite the troubles they also bring with them. After all, I grew up with cats around in my childhood.

Mia (my little sister) has been begging me to keep a cat, now that she is also living with me (for now but we have been talking future plans where she returns to mom and dad as she studies for SPM) and I've been considering the thought for a while. I've asked the opinions of Sara and Ana, mostly Ana since she is the person with the highest credibility (she owns more than 3 cats). 

I am more healed than I was 4 years ago.

I am more healed than I was 7 years ago.

I am more healed than I was 10 years ago.

The person I am will not be the same person in the next year, and in the next 2 years, and in the next 5 years. I know that I have experienced growth in some areas, and I know where I have yet to unpack. Soon, as I reach 30, I will not be the same person as I am 28 now.

A long time ago, whenever I hit my hibernation period, I would quite literally fall into a sleep coma for days, without waking for moments longer than 5 minutes. I imagine it was because during those days, my mental state was at its worst condition, and it took everything it had to ensure my body didn't fall apart. Those days where I suffered night terrors night after night, surviving by the skin of my teeth every panic attack, every relapse, and every suicidal intent. 

During those days, my "hibernation" period was simply my body forcing itself to shut down with the help of my menstruation pain and hormone imbalance after my pysche ran itself to the ground keeping me alive. Which is why I wasn't able to keep myself awake at all, aside from hydration and toilet. I would simply close my eyes and forget about the world that brought me pain, and floated in my headspace in peace. 

Nowadays, when I thought I would go into the same "hibernation" period, it doesn't turn out the same like it had. Because my psyche is in a better state, and my emotional capacity isn't blown to smithereens like an abandoned factory where the workers are dead but running, my body had only keeps itself to shutdown at an appropriate level.

Which is to say, only to a point where I would feel rested and refreshed, like a normal human being. My body, now seeing that my mental state is relatively stable and not in shambles,now only shuts down to let itself get the rest it needs, instead of for survival's sake.

I thought I would wake up 4 days later, covered in blood, but instead I sleep 8 to 9 hours day to day, and I feel good in my body. I feel capable of taking care of my body, and my surroundings.

Realizing this, I considered that perhaps now, I would be more than capable of keeping a cat. A company far better than of my own species. At the very least, they're cute and lovable no matter what they do. 

There are simply more things I would allow a cat to do than a fellow creature of my own species. 

I wouldn't say I abhor my species, but the things I would allow one to even utter around me are simply more limited than what I would allow animals. 

Touch? I tend to only be clingy with physical affection towards my next of kin family. I'm not usually touchy with my friends, but sometimes I would allow the occasional head on shoulders, arm-intertwines, etc. And the people I call friends are limited to less than 7 people.

Other than that, I simply hate being touched by people. 

Getting my approval is next to impossible, but apparently as Sara once pointed out to me, once someone has it, they'd have it until I revoke it. And apparently, I don't revoke my approval easily (to the grave or you cross my boundary 3 times).