AkImA No NiKkI

 warning for typos, since I'm typing with tears in my eyes and flowing down my cheeks. Grief is a weird emotion, one I have been trying to let myself feel at a pace I could have the capacity for. It's been slow, but I know it moves. Today was a day I felt I had a good capacity to let myself sit and feel the waves as they fill up through me. Maybe because I'm going through my period, so my hormones are unbalanced, but it had its pros and cons.  It's been 9 months since Tech passed.  I am still grieving, and I don't know how long I would still be. I don't think it matters. It definitely feels weird for me to be feeling so much grief over a Minecraft roleplayer's passing when I didn't feel anything when my grandparents passed. I had no doubt my family members would look at me with a stink eye for making that comparison, but matter of the fact is, I didn't have a lot of memorable memories with either of my grandparents.  Tech helped me survive many insom...

 There is a good ass reason why I only started healing after I left for college. And definitely not by fucking choice. The reason why I could allow myself to break, be reckless, be suicidal, be harmful to myself, and put myself through each and every layers of hell in college, was because I had the freedom to be. Because I had the freedom to finally fucking break like a fucking normal person, instead of repressing every single fucking thing and shoving them all inside a glass bottle and putting them up on the trauma shelf. Because if I had never chose to leave my home, my family, my hometown, I would never be granted the freedom to break. I would have been required to keep my shit together, to keep my façade intact, keep my fucking apathy wielded like a weapon to keep me alive. Because there were people who needed me to be stable, little ones who needed me to lie to myself so that I can protect them. There were people who needed me to be less selfish, less reckless, less suicidal. ...

 As many bad days begin, I feel like it has been a while since it has gotten to this level. I've begun writing again in my journal, here and there, whenever I feel like I have the capacity for it. Or if writing it out somewhere else didn't work. Though I am now on my way to being 27, it just shows you that your fucking mental illness doesn't go away with age. The only difference is, I am much more aware and better equipped to deal with them than I was before. And to be fair, bad days and worse days are often rare in-between nowadays, now that my life are in a pretty good condition. It goes to show that your condition DOES get better with a higher quality of life. Well, generally.  At least I'm glad it happened on a weekend so I don't have to deal with it on top of work. To be honest, it started since last night and continued on throughout the day even after I opened my eyes from a restless sleep. I know I should be letting myself feel my feelings and sitting with th...

  Honestly, it has been a long..LONG time since the last update. Mostly because Twitter has become my new "blog", so to speak, and writing long posts consumes too much of time and energy I no longer have these days. Now that I look back on my old posts about what I thought of Twitter (nothing good, tbh), it's ironic how it replaced this blog even though this place is basically a record of my ongoing life from when I was 13 years old. The cringy posts, the cringe UwU anime talk, the cringe everyfuckingthing, basically. But it was fascinating to re-read my progress of growing up. The way my mind matured, and consequently, my understanding of myself. I'm glad I kept up with this record, so now I can always have something to look at and remember. I'm an English highschool teacher now, for real and legit. Just like I always wanted to be. Sure my mental stability isn't quite there, and my MDD is still co-existing with everything else, but what matters is that I am s...

This feels more like an emergency update if anything else. I don't sleep at nights anymore, being an insomniac, only being able to fulfill my body's necessity after 8 a.m and beyond. Of course with the quarantine and my unemployment, it's not being a bother to my daily routine, but I imagine when it's over and I have a job, not being able to sleep at nights and having to wake up at an early morning and work all day and rinse and repeat will eventually fail my body and my health.  It's only not being a problem now but it will surely be a problem later. Anyway, I'm just here to spill out some thoughts, which I have religiously ignored in turn of various distractions. I should likely start from the beginning. Some time around a week ago, I believe (I can't tell because my time scope is honestly fucked up by now after half a year sitting at home), there was an issue with a famous figure being outed as a sexual predator and his victims stepping up to voice their ...

Anyway, returning back to my previous post, the two main emotions I aggressively and tightly monitor whether it be from my subconscious or conscious, are my temper and apathy. The former because I have an intense fear of watching myself fall into a state of regret from the experiences and the observations I have compiled from the people around me since I was a child. I learned the destructive power behind the emotions of anger, and the consequences it leaves behind. The cold, seeping despair of regret.  I watched them, compiled them, and vowed to myself to never become one of them. It's why I have tens and hundreds of ways to serve as a healthy outlet for my anger. So I will never mistakenly unleash an unfair abuse towards people I love, and the people who do not deserve them. I keep it in check, obsessively and religiously. At the very least, I try to, at the centre of my core.  I know I have made mistakes. I am aware I have made mistakes, and I will make mistakes in the futu...

It's day 19 of MCO according to WHO update site. It should end by April 14th but confirmation of extension to 17th will be made clear on 10th. I say "confirmation" because we are expecting it but there is still chance for the declaration to be untrue, so.  I feel for the people who do not have a hermit lifestyle, really, I do. This must be hell on earth for them. And I know the only reason I get to live my hermit lifestyle is because I'm privileged and I acknowledge that. I think the alone time lets people be more introspective towards themselves and the people in their life though, so, silver lining. It's always a good chance to learn something new about yourself and other people. Me, generally, this is my every Wednesday to Friday. Self-introspection, People-introspection, gaining awareness, visiting memory lanes, etc etc etc. They generally happen when I get into a fandom, or a fanfic, or a ship dynamic, or a family dynamic -basically about most things I ...