Confusion Ring
I'm confused.
I'm restless.
I'm.....all over the place.
*sigh*
How easy it was during highschool, when all you have to do at school is study and at home, a family. How easy it was to be able to discern parts of your roles according to places and situations. How easy, how easy. Nothing else matters.
And for me, how easy it was to control my feelings.
Having finished Foundation level, awaiting our continuation, I feel as if I am in a dark, empty well, looking up to the clouded sky from the opening. The walls are slimy and murky, but it was indeed, dry.
Moments ago, this sort of vision came to my mind.
I don't like feeling so....distraught.
So...bereft.
I like having a goal to focus on.
I mean, yeah, I have my long-term and long-long-term goals in sight, but since in the mean time we have to do nothing but wait, it feels useless.
Not to mention, I'm feeling so torn about going home tomorrow. I mean, of course I wanna go home, it's what I've been itching for for the last few months but considering recent incidents.......I'm pretty scared of what's waiting me at home.
I ditched my IPG interview, that's one thing I'm scared to face, especially my parents. Especially Mom, since she was so big on me going to IPG.
Sometimes, I can't help but think what could've happened if I'd chosen to ditch the dinner instead, yet still I do not think that I regret the night entirely. It was something I'd chosen for myself, and despite the obvious pros and cons, I am relieved.
I have always hated disappointing my parents.
The disgusted feeling in my chest and throat every time I feel like I've caused them trouble and disappointment, like someone had spilled raw, black tar to my throat. The very feeling makes me feel every little thing I fight against in every nightmare.
Useless.
Selfish.
Shame.
Self-hatred.
Stupid.
Nothing.
It was enough to drive me to the scissors.
It was all it took.
Yet I wanted something for myself.
I couldn't leave these people without a proper goodbye.
I couldn't leave my feelings unknown, and such a bitter regret of being silent.
These two feelings raged war inside me, and....well, you could figure out what happened.
My thoughts are all over the place, and I can't pinpoint them to one direction (pun unintended). I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
I don't have many people to talk to, and the people that I do wouldn't exactly help (yes, Kei, I'm talking about you) and I just....feel lost.
*sigh*
I'm restless.
I'm.....all over the place.
*sigh*
How easy it was during highschool, when all you have to do at school is study and at home, a family. How easy it was to be able to discern parts of your roles according to places and situations. How easy, how easy. Nothing else matters.
And for me, how easy it was to control my feelings.
Having finished Foundation level, awaiting our continuation, I feel as if I am in a dark, empty well, looking up to the clouded sky from the opening. The walls are slimy and murky, but it was indeed, dry.
Moments ago, this sort of vision came to my mind.
I don't like feeling so....distraught.
So...bereft.
I like having a goal to focus on.
I mean, yeah, I have my long-term and long-long-term goals in sight, but since in the mean time we have to do nothing but wait, it feels useless.
Not to mention, I'm feeling so torn about going home tomorrow. I mean, of course I wanna go home, it's what I've been itching for for the last few months but considering recent incidents.......I'm pretty scared of what's waiting me at home.
I ditched my IPG interview, that's one thing I'm scared to face, especially my parents. Especially Mom, since she was so big on me going to IPG.
Sometimes, I can't help but think what could've happened if I'd chosen to ditch the dinner instead, yet still I do not think that I regret the night entirely. It was something I'd chosen for myself, and despite the obvious pros and cons, I am relieved.
I have always hated disappointing my parents.
The disgusted feeling in my chest and throat every time I feel like I've caused them trouble and disappointment, like someone had spilled raw, black tar to my throat. The very feeling makes me feel every little thing I fight against in every nightmare.
Useless.
Selfish.
Shame.
Self-hatred.
Stupid.
Nothing.
It was enough to drive me to the scissors.
It was all it took.
Yet I wanted something for myself.
I couldn't leave these people without a proper goodbye.
I couldn't leave my feelings unknown, and such a bitter regret of being silent.
These two feelings raged war inside me, and....well, you could figure out what happened.
My thoughts are all over the place, and I can't pinpoint them to one direction (pun unintended). I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
I don't have many people to talk to, and the people that I do wouldn't exactly help (yes, Kei, I'm talking about you) and I just....feel lost.
*sigh*
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