AkImA No NiKkI

Hello. It's quiet again at nights when Onee-san and Mukhlis aren't home. All this time, it bothered me, the silence I didn't know how to fill in the night, in the room. It wasn't what I remembered the most in my collections of family memories.  Yes, we share comfortable silence but that and this are different things. Being alone in a room and having a silent human presence is different. Outside, I love the silence. The comforting kind that leaves odd content spaces in your brain. Whether being with someone or just on my own, peaceful silence are often treasured and welcome in my regards. Even more when it is accompanied with the wonders of books. This evening hit me with a realization. I used to love silence. It was what I loved, as a child, as a teenager, and beyond. Yes, I liked the small chatters and jokes and sometimes, fruitless conversations, but as an introvert, I couldn't quite keep up for the most times. Other than my own small circle of family...

Hey. So, Onee-san just went back to her IPG after 3 weeks of holidays and baby bro to his hostel yesterday, and I'm just here, basically changing from pajamas to pajamas. Literally. Like, I take a bath in the afternoon, change into pajamas, and take a bath again at night, also into pajamas. I just live in pajamas nowadays. And July is rounding up the corner. I don't know where I'm going with this, nowhere in particular, I think? I'm just rambling. Bla bla bla bla bla  Normally, this is where I go to speak about my mind. Honestly? Nowadays there're less thoughts than sounds and screams in there. Some days, it's good. Calming sounds. Sweet lullabies. Saccharine peace. Some days, it's numbing. Screams of rage. Guttural sound of voice chords being yanked over the voicebox out through the lips. Endless screams without a break of a breath. No voice but my own. I wonder why I have so much rage up there. Often when I feel frustrated or sad or disa...

So Kei finally texted me last night and we had a pretty awkward conversation. A conversation containing mostly "Uhhh"s and "Umm"s. Well, on my part. His just has a lotta dots. Pretty obvious tell if you ask me. Doesn't take a psychic mind-reader to know something's up when you see more dots than a sentence should have. *shrug* But then again, that's the wonder of reading. You can learn to read body language without ever having to confront a human being. Technically, you're going on a thesis by your readings but meh, it goes as it goes. LOL Worked for me. Also, it helps to be observant. A self-absorbent jackass wouldn't know body language if it hits him in the face. I'm glad he did, though. Kei, that is. We still gotta talk through the whole comfort-zone and swapping-accommodations but I guess it'll pop out in a talk sooner or later. Or we'd just have another fight about it. We've never really talk about lines and zones be...

It's a beautiful day and the weather is perfect. Blue sky as far as eyes can see, white fluffy clouds giving shade, and the soft breeze the wind carries is just delightful. She steps outside to her porch, clad in worn gray sweats and sleeveless dark blue hoodie, and takes a huge deep breath with a satisfied smile. It's a beautiful day to read outside. Hikaru bounces inside quickly to fetch her book and tea. She unties her ponytail and ties her sidebangs around her head as she settle down on her swing with her book in hand and her tea in the other. The breeze caresses her face lovingly, sweeping few stray hair off her shoulder. She can't help to smile. She flips the page where her bookmark resides and delves in. The tea is gone, and the mug sits silently by her side, existence forgotten. Hours pass by, and there is nothing between her and the world she explores. She is irrevocably, happily, lost. The silence in her surrounding is easy save for her occasio...

They say if you love something, let it go. If they return to you, then they're probably meant for you. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with. Was my decision correct? Was it worth it? Kei and I have been through quite some stuff. Was it worth to lose him because of another bump?  I push people away. That's a general common knowledge. Added with I rarely let anyone come close in the first place. He was my bestfriend. He makes mistakes. And repeats them. But then again.....isn't that a human thing? I'm afraid he won't return. This only shows how important he is to me, because any other person?  I would've gotten over them in hours. Even days. It hurts to think he'd leave. Even if it doesn't make any sense since I was the one who pushed him away. But I think that's warranted, with my PTSD and being a female.  I know it will only hurt me more and more and more to hope for his return. Would it be stupid of me to h...

Hey guys. Just a quick post, based on a some thoughts (and feels) during shower. I cried so bad reading A Winter's Tale , a Destiel fic, and it was the most I cried while reading a fic. I normally am capable of controlling my tears and sobs even while overwhelmed with fangirl-feels. I cried like a baby. I did. It feels good to immerse myself in a world where none of the real things in my life exist. I love when I am just a fangirl with too many emotions, and nothing mattered except for my OTPs and fandoms. No complications (a shit ton actually but it's a welcomed change) and no breakdowns, no meltdowns, no self-hatred (a shit ton of that too, I relate too much to all Dean, Sam, and Cas.) and practically, no life. It's a good escape. As much as a book will do. But a book ends. And for a moment, life reared its ugly head to focus. Same as when every time I finished a fic, I'd realize that nothing has changed, and I am still where I am. And that's dishearten...

Hey, guys. I'm in a really bad place right now, the sort of place I wish time could turn back and I was never born. Yeah it seems like I'm exaggerating and being dramatic but I'm the sort that always goes for the worst situation, y'noe? Idk what that would make me tho. See, I screwed up my degree application. And then I screwed up the admission test for the course I didn't want in a Uni I didn't ask.  And now, I'm paying up for those screw ups. I just checked for the newly opened re-application and I got a red paged error. You could guess how much I'm freaking the fuck out right now. My hands are trembling (normal reaction for me, don't YOU freak out now) and my chest are tight with worry and dread and guilt and just plain failure and disappointment at myself. It's funny (no, not really) because I just got back from a wonderful vacation last night for 2 days and one night at Tasik Kenyir, Terengganu with my family. And now I am feel...