AkImA No NiKkI

So many things backfired today. Where do I start? You know that little things, when piled up, become one large humongous pile? Remember when I said I should start loving myself to counter the amount of self-hate I have in me? Well, that's one of the things that backfired. Among the others. This morning started out normal enough. Sis was a little bit pissy but nothing out of the ordinary, I guess. Baby bro's gonna go back to his hostel this evening, as usual. She had berated me for my inability to yet drive a car safely and the brief pang of shame, disappointment, failure hurt was no stranger. Being degraded these days isn't uncommon for me after the colossal mistake that cost me my degree offer. I suppose it's a fair punishment. I hadn't intended to be so petty, and I wasn't ignoring her on purpose. By that time, the screams were getting too loud to ignore. I should've written down about it when it started a few weeks ago but somehow I've stop...

Oh, hello, young beautiful readers. As you can see from the title, I have devised a strategic and wonderful plan filled with youthful determination to revert myself to the old me who had zero fucks to give. No, I do not need your opinion nor do I want it, but if you are curious to the reasons, you may stay and listen. And remember, whatever it is you have to say, I will smile and politely react with sentences along the lines of "pardon me good person but I do not give a fuck." . I will hear a lot of words from such  reactions such as "immature" , "childish" , "stupid" , "naive" , "bitch" , "asshole" , "annoying" , etc etc. But worry not, for I do not give a fuck. Ah, I can feel the tension and stress slipping away from my bones already. What a wise choice it was, wasn't it? :)) You see, I was a happy and content child. I gave no fucks to everything that wasn't important and I was happy. ...

I woke up with a jolt, and an eerie sense of nostalgia. The nightmare was fading away the second I opened my eyes, but the tear tracks remain cold and stinging on my face. I turned to my pillow and sniffed wetly at the cold spot. Another one. I let out a sigh. I reached out to my phone, thinking to read some fluffy Destiel fics before I get up and start the day. I didn't want to start it with this kind of awakening. Then I read the wrong fic. Perhaps the author was lost in the art of tagging. Perhaps he/she forgot to plaster a warning of triggers on the fic but either way, it was too late when I finished it.  I spent the next two hours sobbing and sniffling into my already wet pillow. Dean wouldn't hurt Cas like that. Never. This is wrong. WRONG . And yet there were doubts needlessly voicing their unwanted opinions. He wouldn't.... break Cas like that.. Sure, the hunter was freaking insensitive sometimes and they've both beaten each other bloody (almost kill...

It is known that I save no residual unnecessary emotions toward the people I meet and vice versa. But the things I write today can always be blamed to the rolling waves of unstable emotional hormones raging through my double X chromosomed bloodstreams. Should any of these be quoted subtly or directly in real life, I will deny it through and through till the day my constipated sense of LOGIC ceases to exist. Thy has been warned. I found my old Drama class' Reader's Theatre performance due to one link in one particular class president of mine's Youtube account. He knows who he is. *smirk* I won't say who, but you can give the credits directly to the boss himself. Btw, my group is Quotes for Marriage and I'm the dude who married 4 chicks who ended up being bestfriends way back. *sigh* the practices were horrendously tiring. But well-spent. I didn't know these were on Youtube. Personally, I hardly care. But seeing these people again made me feel sorta...