AkImA No NiKkI

I'm planning a day of exploring and adventure tomorrow, or today, actually, looking at the time. Not first thing in the morning like I would've liked to because I regretfully have stupid co-curriculum stuff but at least it's only couple of hours at asscrack in the morning so it doesn't cut into the day all that much. After that, I'm bolting it. Plan? I'm gonna see cats. And play with cats. Surround myself with cats. Like a therapy with cats. PALAM don't got any cats (like a lucky charm that's only found if you go on a sacred journey and fulfill a grand quest to save the world) and somehow this morning (well, yesterday morning but whatever) I just thought, I need to see (and possibly touch) some cats or I'm gonna go crazy. You can say it's a random thought that popped in. That I will most definitely impulsively follow. Because cats. It'll probably seem jarring what I'm writing right now compared to the recent previous post

It's been couple of good days recently. I'm warily glad. Sometimes I still forget my assignment tasks and that sorta scares me a bit because I remember having been nearly on point with my works but occasionally, my groupmates remind me and that scrapes the uneasiness a bit from my chest. I used to be able to discern my work from personal really well up until this point and looking at how it's suddenly affecting each other makes me feel incompetent. What I said during the last ice-breaking session in FE class is no more true than the fact that I love reading. I am good with separating my work and personal lives.  It's just that the notion applies only to outside people from myself. Because obviously I am the greatest danger to my own person. If I'm smart, I'd do something about that and yeah, I'm learning and trying, but things don't always move like we want them to. It's like trying to tell people who has anxiety to stop feeling anxious or

Things were really bad last week. The worst I have ever made since I decided to go for recovery 3 years ago when Amelia and Irene convinced me to. I'm at square one now. Back to the beginning and starting all over again. And there's no one to be mad at but myself, this I am well too aware of. So here I am, starting recovery from scratch. Again. I can't even apologize. It's worthless and there's no value to them considering how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't deserve to feel guilty when my stupid rationality flies out the fucking window every time my mood fluctuates downhill like a shitty economic bar.  Fucking hell. If you can't tell by now, it means I relapsed. Past tense.  I'm a little bit okay now, since the moods has passed, but I'm gonna have to start the recovery process all over again from scratch as I've reiterated above. I'm not doing excellent or good, but I'm trying what I can to counter it. It's probably no

I'm tired, okay? I am so tired, of this. I don't want to bother. I don't want to even feel . I'm just so damn tired, so please, can it stop? Can you stop? Dealing with another heart is too much trouble. I can't even deal with my own, why would I ever want to deal with another person's? Yeah, I'm 21. I'm gonna be 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, and so on till I die. Human grows that way. Old. What does it matter with finding a lover? Logically, yeah, I know, someone to take care of you and so on. I know that talk. Doesn't make it okay to push it on me. I AM TIRED. The whole liking someone, getting closer, falling in love, being in a relationship, something goes wrong, distancing ourselves, eventually breaking up, I don't care for them. Not right now . Not with the right person . Can't it wait till I'm not tired anymore? Can't it wait till I'm ready on my own? I'm not someone who would love easily. I will, eventual

It's the start of my 3rd semester in PALAM. I'm taking third language as elective this sem and my choices are either Japanese or German. I originally intended for French because baby brother have it for a subject in highschool and I thought maybe if I learn it too, we could practice together. It sounds fun. But then, the beginner tutorials doesn't look as easy as it sounds so I chickened out. Maybe I'll just have him teach me, haha. It's the middle of the first week and we've already gone through some of the introductory sessions for the classes. I'm so glad that we have our Lit lecturer from our first semester for our Lit for Children and Y/A class. I really admire her. I enjoy her classes and her assignments are always fun and challenging. Sort of reminds me of Madam Adzurae a little bit. Hehe Plus, we have two Literature class this sem! Wowie! xDD The lecturer for Lit & Media is fun too and his tasks are as easygoing as they are stimulating.