AkImA No NiKkI

It's the second day of the first week of practical. 3 months feel so far ahead with each day slugging about when you're not in school. In some parts, I am lucky to be given a pretty awesome mentor and my materials are technically a free-for-all base so long as it's exam-focused. In others, I might wish to have a more concrete framework to work with but that might just be my impatience showing. Process takes more than two days to go through. As it is, might as well update on the mundane things. I live in Shah Alam now for the next 3 months, in a renthouse with a classmate who is doing her practical at the same school. Basically, we'll be seeing each other's faces from morning till night and night till morning for the next 3 months. I assume we will grate on each other's nerves and sanity (whatever's left of it) until the practical duration ends. I try to call home at least twice a week, considering I sort of reflected that I didn't call home for some...

I suppose it is normal to think about the future in case of emergency cases and such. Mine is brief and unchanging as ever though. For short term goals, I want to finish my degree. Next, I want to successfully apply a scholarship for continuing my Masters in Canada. Why Canada? I believe I set this goal when I was 15, finding out Canada is the place where there are least people on earth, excluding uninhabitable places. That still hasn't changed, no matter what happens. Long term goals, I want to get a job in Canada after finishing my Masters. Maybe get a doctorate, if I can afford it. This might come off as news to some people, but it has always been set in my mind as the natural path to go to. Get a job, pile some money, make a life.  The obvious things need not be stated, that I will send money home to my parents and family, that I will return home at least twice a year, etc etc.  These are the necessities.  The optional goals are relationships, and marriage. W...

Mya is my everyday saviour. That much is obvious. I owe her nearly everything I am today and I would still owe her that till the day werew old and funky. When I was just a filthy little shit, broken with jagged edges curled inwards that every time I breathe, it stabs me deeper- Mya looked me in the eye and hugged me. Even when the edges would cut her, she hugged me until the broke edges came together again. She risked her life for me, and that's a life debt I can never repay. Who else have the courage to die alongside a suicidal person?  Fresh with the memories of sexual abuse, reignited when understanding that those touches were not merely "friendly", back then. She taught me how to breathe, every single day and night. Taught me how to swim through the demons.  I hate asking people to stay. Because they never do. I would rather fuck a cactus than ask someone to stay. They never do. They always leave. Even if they say they'll stay, they lie. Fucking bunch o...

Update.  I make mistakes after mistakes hoping one would eventually land me in a volcano soup hot enough to burn the flesh off of my ass. When they haven't, I turn tail and run. Because if it's not gonna make me regret life more than living, it's got no point.  I'm gonna install Ragnarok Eternal Love again because that shit fills up my time. All I need is level up and level up and level up again. And without Mya, I don't need to do no stupid social interaction. I can go Kirito-ing on my own, however slow and sluggish and dumb it may be because I'm no gamer thus my playing is always slow and dumb.  I thought about making new friends. Then I realize there's a reason why I don't go out and make new friends, and new friends make me. I'm an introvert.  I hate people. But, the point is, I tried. Damn I really fucking tried. Like the Saint of Goodness and Purity would be damn proud how hard I tried. I basically turned myself into a nice person.  Ne...

It's been a week since the breakup. I'm coping as usual. I went home for a week in Kelantan and went back to Perak again for two weeks because I'm doing a lot more good babysitting Nugget than doing nothing at home.  The only thing I hate about the breakup is that I have to get used to not receiving texts every second of my day anymore. It freed up a lot of my space that I have no idea what to do with. Reading manga only gets so far before I can't deal with the memories. Reading fanfics are also the same. Watching marathons sometimes get me through, but most of the time I lose interest in the middle of it.  After all that, I'm left with sprawled over the bed in a starfish position wondering about the quality of my existence. I'm scared to reach out for fear of being abandoned. I'm scared to abandon those who reached out. It's a runaway situation.  So I decided on making some stupid mistakes, just for the hell of it. Blame it on poor impulse control....

Aight. So it's been 3 days since Beloved and I broke up, and my coping mechanism for now is pretending the past two years never happened. Thusly, that person will be referred to as They Who Shall Not Be Named, until further notice. I shall say nothing about the talk that was had when the week ended, other than it took less than 10 minutes.  They decided what they want, and I acquiesced. That is all. Chapter closed. Now to deal with the fallout. To be frank, since I've already dealt most of the heavy burnt emotions early weeks before, I barely feel anything by the time we ended. No pain, no sadness, no joy, no relief, barely anything at all. Even so, that doesn't mean everything is okay. Most of the time, I am okay. In fact, I'd say life is going on as usual. But sometimes, the loss will hit me out of nowhere and with full impact and I am left to endure them until it ebbs away after a time. It starts with a sudden blank feeling awash my entire being, like suddenly ...

Soooooo here's a little tidbit. Beloved and I are in the middle of out first fight ever so...congratulations on the milestone? 🤷  I just got my period yesterday so today is a fucload harsher than the past five days with the emotions amplified to fuck all.  It's necessary though! Bitch gotta be tough. I survived through suicide attempts, I can survive seven days of no-contact break with beloved. Cmon bitch, toughen up!  I am mad. Unbelievably pissed to high hell. Doesn't mean I stopped loving them. You know, it's like that picture of a couple arguing and then it rains and one held the umbrella over the other person even as they continue arguing. The break is necessary for us to break through this fight. Either we make it, or break it, that depends on beloved. I love them, I truly do, but I can't force someone to love me when they have already lost what they used to feel for me. I'm just bracing for impact at this point. Plus, even if they say they do still l...