Tough it out, bitch. It's Necessary.

Soooooo here's a little tidbit. Beloved and I are in the middle of out first fight ever so...congratulations on the milestone? 🤷 
I just got my period yesterday so today is a fucload harsher than the past five days with the emotions amplified to fuck all. 
It's necessary though! Bitch gotta be tough. I survived through suicide attempts, I can survive seven days of no-contact break with beloved. Cmon bitch, toughen up! 

 I am mad. Unbelievably pissed to high hell. Doesn't mean I stopped loving them. You know, it's like that picture of a couple arguing and then it rains and one held the umbrella over the other person even as they continue arguing. The break is necessary for us to break through this fight. Either we make it, or break it, that depends on beloved. I love them, I truly do, but I can't force someone to love me when they have already lost what they used to feel for me. I'm just bracing for impact at this point. Plus, even if they say they do still love me, they have to do something about their issue of trusting me, 'cause I won't be with someone who continually doubts me when I've done nothing to be doubted over. When I've devoted two fucking years of my life to them. 

 Mya and Indah worked their asses off to get me here where I understand my worth. I'm not gonna throw that away for anything. I know what I deserve. Only I can decide what I want. 

 Same goes for them. 

 Because despite everything, despite the situation currently, my only wish is for their happiness. I love them. That doesn't change no matter how much they doubt me. If they can't see it, despite everything I've tried my best so far to convince them, well. I'm sorry for their behalf, I suppose. 

 I won't even give a minute to someone who I think won't commit to me, why the fuck would you think I would give two years? It's illogical. Being doubted really fucking hurts like shit. 

 It's all or nothing, we used to say. Apparently it's just on my end. 

 I need to stay mad. I know I miss them, and crying like a little bitch almost every moment my mind is empty because how much I love them, and how much this fucking hurts, but I need to stay mad. Half assery is not what I deserve. Don't stand for it. Do not stand for what is less than I deserve. 

 I know deep in the back of my mind, I'm already prepared for their goodbye. After all, I'm convinced they don't love me anymore. What else could there be. And if that is so the case, then so be it. My first and foremost wish remain the same, that they find happiness. My only wish is for them to be happy. That's all. Regardless what happens when the week ends, I just want them to be happy. Be it with me or without me. 

 I've suffered worse. I can pick up after myself just fine. Even if it's not the truth, well, I'll fake it till I make it. 

 I miss them. 
But this is necessary. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

26 and still alive. who knew?

  Honestly, it has been a long..LONG time since the last update. Mostly because Twitter has become my new "blog", so to speak, and writing long posts consumes too much of time and energy I no longer have these days. Now that I look back on my old posts about what I thought of Twitter (nothing good, tbh), it's ironic how it replaced this blog even though this place is basically a record of my ongoing life from when I was 13 years old. The cringy posts, the cringe UwU anime talk, the cringe everyfuckingthing, basically. But it was fascinating to re-read my progress of growing up. The way my mind matured, and consequently, my understanding of myself. I'm glad I kept up with this record, so now I can always have something to look at and remember. I'm an English highschool teacher now, for real and legit. Just like I always wanted to be. Sure my mental stability isn't quite there, and my MDD is still co-existing with everything else, but what matters is that I am s
Read more

Healing and re-healing and more fucking healing.

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate that.
Read more

"Toukan Koukan" ; Exchange of equal value

Image
Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is the best of the best anime can offer.  I resolutely stand by this statement, even when there are countless of other animes that can teach us many things such as Gosick, Soul Eater, The Children who Chased Lost Voices, Code Geass, Sword Art Online, Tokyo Ghoul, No 6, and many more I could name. The first moment I finished FMAB, it felt like I had gone through a life and came out in tatters. So much truth put in one series. So much life. Especially when it's adorned with death. When has it not? Life and Death goes hand in hand. The one thing I love the most was the First Law of Alchemy, Equivalent Exchange. It is fair, is it not? To give all and take nothing is arguably noble. Modern people would say it's stupid and wasteful. Wise people would know that there is something more at work than the naked eyes. On the other hand, to take all and give nothing is selfish. No arguments. I don't watch these things for entertainme
Read more