AkImA No NiKkI

I miss Mom and Dad. And Onee-san. I mean,duhh,Mom and Dad had been away for more than a month already but it is a bit irrational to miss Nee-san when she had just left like,a few days ago.What can I say? At the very least I had someone to interact normally with without a single  wince. Today's Friday.Four days left until exam. Frankly,I don't really care about it.It's just an exam,like any other had been.The only thing's different is the questions. I just want it to be over.Like,pronto.God knows how long we've all waited for the day it finally ends.I'd be dancing a freaking hula hoop outside the hall once the last paper is collected. Eventhough Onee-san told me to tell her if anything happens stat,I can't really bring myself to do it.She's on her exam,and I'm not really that selfish nor stupid to crash on her whenever I have my stupid outbreaks. I'm....Paranoid,is probably the closest word to describe it.Afraid of the littlest stuff that...

God,after all of this is over,please let me sleep in peace.Not that I particularly have trouble sleeping..Well,maybe a little. It's like I'm asleep,but awake at the same time.Drifting in between.Naturally,the sound of a person's slow breathing calms me down,given that I grew up sharing a room with my sister.Of course,I still could sleep well after she went to her IPG now and then. I'm a hugger. I sleep with hugging stuff. Especially,my pillow. Yes,I know it's childish and odd for someone my age.People might even think I'm still stuck in my childhood memories.I just like to hug to sleep,what's wrong with that? I still keep that one pillow Mom gave me as a gift when I was four. It was big,and it had a lot of 'scars',courtesy of my stupid brother.He'd use it as a hostage whenever he's mad at me when we were kids,knowing I love it so much that I'd sleep with it.And I still do. Mark my words that when I go to continue my study,it sha...

For once,I think before I act.I do seem to do reckless things sometimes when something requires me to.And I feel calm.Very...serene. beats me. *shrugs* my brother came to apologize but I deemed he needs a little bit more suffering.Teaches him that every little thing has its consequences.The little pile of shit deserved it. Anger clouds my brain and pressure only breaks my neck.But even so,I'll still have to keep calm and stand my ground. Exam really is the last thing on my list of worries.I mean,I never worry whether I'll do good or bad in it.I only worry about that AFTER it's all set and done. My thing about exam is you just have to give it all you've got.There's nothing to it.Give it every single thing and every single effort.Then,all you can do is pray. That's exam for me. Doing good or bad,doesn't really cover it.As long as I have given it all I have,then that's fine by me.Even if I didn't reach my quotas. Pressure and stress have flow...

I know I have to be strong. And yes,the betrayal felt like acid poured straight onto the top of my heart.It felt a thousand times fold because he was my own brother. My family . But that doesn't matter anymore. He was stupid,like all brain-dead teenagers his age and I don't give a shit if he wants to choke himself to death.As long as he doesn't drag us down with him.Cigarette's smokes CAN kill and that's a full owned fact,you bitch. I don't give a fucking rat's ass. Because I have more important stuff to give a fuck about other than a stupid teenager who has a dying wish. I have to be strong.For myself. I found strength in Onee-san's words and consoles.Onee-san has always been so strong,which is why I've always admired her.I have great respect for strong people.And in her strength,I found mine. I am going to ace SPM for Mom and Dad,and I am going to stand my ground for my sister.Because she had to shoulder the responsibility of keeping ...

Most of my essays for exams and for public's innocent eyes are romantic,sappy,and very sentimental.I like to write sad stories.Because I think that happy-ever-after is bullshit.Yeah,shoot me. But then again,sometimes I write them too,when I feel like having a change.When I read them over,I thought,people who read this must think I'm a hopeless romantic.Well,there's the ironicity of it,no? I'm anything BUT romantic and romantic type guys are definitely NOT on my list.I told ya I'm skeptic when it comes to romance. Gah,it's so ironic. A romance skeptic writing about romance.Bwahahahahaha~!! x'DD If I make a draft and publish a book,it'll be so hilarious.Tho that possibility is nowhere near   is going to be real in reality because for one,I wouldn't even know what to write about.Given choices,it'll probably be about Qie and Wa or better,a twisted revelation of sisterhood and alter egos. There's no fucking way I'll write a romance be...

I re-watched Hayao Miyazaki 's productions for the umpteenth time.It never fails to amaze me, Spirited Away and Whisper of Heart .I would've watched The Cat Returns too but I figure,maybe another time. Somehow,it gave me light.A new perspective. Of course,Hayao-san's productions always seems to entail a silver lining beneath it.A general perspectives of life. Nowadays,people would scorn and snicker at these sentences,because it sounds so old and wisey.Something you'd expect Gandalf or Dumbledore or other wisey,oldy,wizards or maybe just an old man.But see,that's where they're wrong. Because it is old,it is wise. Not all,of course,but most.You can never be too sure of anything.Skeptics,you know,there are litters of them these days.Even I'm a skeptic.But only when it comes to romance.Basically,I'm open to almost anything. I still feel guilty for what had happened to him.What he'd chosen. It's so like me to take the blame even if it i...

I have trust issues.Believe me,I do. Outside than family,the people I trust are those of who I'd let myself been seen plain and bared without the masks I use to protect me. That's why,I want to do this alone. Well,not entirely alone since I have God with me but I mean,alone without people who I have to use another 'me' for. It's easy outside when I can always turn into an alter ego because it's automatic when I step out of the house.It's also automatic around people. I don't think of doing it,I just do it out of instinct.Like a sea anemone would do when confronted by a tresspasser.They shut out. They were a great help and I appreciate it,but I'd rather not to have to be an alter ego inside my own house.It's already tiring that I have to do it outside,too. Onee-san trusts me. Maybe not much,but at least there's more than 0.01%.She worries,just like Mom,but her trust at the very least I wouldn't say overcome,but rather passes it...

I'm getting more breakdown as I get older.That's definitely going to be a big issue.Namely,a big pain in the ass in the future.Urgh. Okay,it's bullshit,I get it,but it's not like I can help the damn thing.When it comes,it comes.I didn't expect the dams to break that easily nor that suddenly. Should I warrant a warning to inner 'me's to,next time,give me a freaking heads up if they want to issue a big BREAKDOWN! Fuck,guys! I thought we're in this together! we are. we just thought that you'd stop us,what with covering ourselves with the presence of people. yeah,good that you know.Can't you just postpone it to some other time? You know I have to still wear the mask.Until we're alone.You scared her out,guys. we can't.You were breaking.If we'd let you,others will get affected.This isn't the most normal shit we had,man. we had to be on guard,more than usual. *exhales* This's what I get for consulting my alter egos con...