AkImA No NiKkI

I don't know what's wrong. There seems to be nothing wrong, at all, yet I don't feel it. It's wearing me thin, night after night. I want to know what is wrong so I can damn fix it . I have to fix it. I wake up, everything is okay. I look around the house, I do my chores as content I can be. Mom and Dad comes home and our interaction is easy, light-hearted and comforting. I laugh and smile as genuinely I can feel. Nothing is wrong. Lil' sis comes home, I ask about her day and play with her if I could. Lifting her up or rough-housing or tickling. We laugh and the shrill voices carry around the house. Nothing is wrong. Evening passes and I spend it appropriately around my family, whether it be Mom or Dad or Sis or Lil' sis. It is genuine and wonderful and calming and everything is alright . Yet.....when I am alone in the nights, I am sad . This sadness....I don't know it. It's unfamiliar to me. It's not from my past and it's not ...

I'm not going to describe the day. I won't go into details of what happened when I woke up and what happened the rest of the time I was up until now. What I am going to do, to say, in this post, is state the facts. That is all. First, we'll start with the obvious. It is my 21st birthday, as of 24th February 2017. I am now 21 years old. I am currently home, in my hometown, Tanah Merah, Kelantan. I woke up in my bed. In my room. I have chores. I know I have to wake up. Mom is calling for me. Strangely, I didn't want to speak. Not because I have morning breath because nobody has ever cared about that in this family, but because I simply.....didn't want to. It was as if my lips were locked with an invisible chain which I have no keys to. I wouldn't open them. I wouldn't. I struggled to answer with the best non-verbal language I know how. I hope it was enough. A constant bile resting in my throat. Tasting of vomit and tears. Still I smiled. A...

I'm stumped. This report is killing me FFS  💀😭😭 It's 3 days later since Field Experience is over and I know I said something about starting work immediately because procrastinating will bite me in the ass later but looking at the guideline make my head just go BLANK. 😭 The Administration book I copied seemed almost useless right now, I swear. 💧 It probably won't once I start to get into my work zone but then again, there's like nil motivation to even open the file and the more I worry about procrastinating the more I actually DO procrastinate in real life, wtf me. 😑💧 I needlessly worry when I look at the dates as February gets closer to the end and thinks about the deadline while I do nothing about it. Uggghhhhh.. *eternal facepalm*

I finished the Field Experience course at exactly yesterday, 16th of Feb 2017, 2.00 p.m. The last day of being a ROS teacher at my old highschool was spent just me walking around the school looking for my ex teachers to properly say goodbye and give my thanks. Of course it wasn't only for my ex teachers but I did sort of went out of my way to visit their office rooms and one time, I had to interrupt a class so that I wouldn't miss them. I'm pretty sure I missed some of the teachers though, because they were busy with classes and grading notebooks for monthly check-ups but, well, I tried my best, so. Pardon my gross incompetence. *bows* Now, looks like it's work time for me. I still have to write a shit ton of things like the ROS report, the 10 page paper, and preparing the slides for group presentation. Although admittedly, there's no progress on the last bit since I've yet to ask anyone for group members. Geh. 😑😒💧💧 Well, work is work. Though it...

It's February and we're safely well past the flood season. Temperature's hot in the afternoon but it settles very nicely with a breeze and shades as the evening creeps in. It's been a week since I started class observation at SMK TM (1) a.k.a my old highschool meaning there's another week to go before it ends. Thankfully, the process on the first day went smoothly for me. I did have to wait a couple of hours in the morning because there was a Going Back To School ceremony in the halls and the principal had to entertain guests before he comes into the office but soon as I showed him the letter and explained everything, there was little to no problem with the rest. I was referred to the PKP (Right Administration Secretary) right away to settle my schedule and my teacher trainer.  I went around introducing myself, or, re-introducing myself, in any case, to the teachers. Most of them remembers me as a familiar face and I feel honored. I remember them too, well, ...