AkImA No NiKkI

I don't remember when did I start to stop caring whether or not people paid attention to me. Thus I ceased to pay attention to them because I believed in equality. Though I struggled for my sister's when I was young (the one she remembers as the abso-freakin-lutely annoying brat who keeps getting in her way and ruining her plans and destroying her teenage life-I remember she used to call me idiotic names that hurt even though I didn't quite understand what it means at that time-and sometimes still do when we fight) , I grew out of it and learned to accept what she's willing to give instead.  After a few years of high school and leaving the sides of my other half, Faqihah , the pressure of bottling up was turning into a horrible burden on me.  I didn't look for willing ears to listen nor any supposedly-willing shoulders to cry on but all the same, I was easier to spill when a concerned person decided to drill them out. I was never a people person, that muc...

Lost. I'm lost. No, I've always been lost. When, I didn't realize. But little by little, in the dark that I claimed to love and prefer during my worst moments, I got lost, and unable to return. Ya Allah.. What have I become? Looking at myself in the mirror, I became ashamed of myself. Over the years, spent with the wrong types of groups, spent among the society that I've hated so much and refused to acknowledge.. Had the things I resolved myself to loath ever since I set my eyes on them when I was barely 12 seeped into my existence as well? Had I become those things that I loathed in all my life? Astaghfirullah.. Astaghfirullah.. It felt like I was splashed with a basin of icy cold water. The realization hit me hard , and I felt like I needed to sit down before I fell in a crumpled heap, crying for forgiveness. All this time, I had been hanging onto the past . Making a big deal out of everything . Publicizing my problems like I'm the only one who has ...

I bought the bus ticket to go home for coming Eid today. I feel so glad. Thinking about home makes me feel calm and happy, as like everyone. Now I can safely say to Mom and Dad that I'm going home next month! xDD I was lucky that there's still a ticket available straight home, else I would've to spend my Eid holidays in campus. Now that's a nightmare I do NOT want to think of. God forbid I burn the whole college if I were to be left behind.  Admittedly, I had quite a few trouble getting around my schedule to get to the bus terminal. Though as a Foundation level student, we have not yet received our share of assignments because we are required to learn the how to do's for the assignments itself. I can't say the same for the other programmes. It seems we TESL-ians are just lucky to have wonderful lecturers. For now . Although picking favourites is unprofessional in our line of study, I'm ashamed to say that I do have one particular favourite lecture...

Fucking people. you know,God gave us this very awesome special gift called BRAIN and we're supposed to THINK with that instead of using our butts .Do not waste such beautiful gift! Now I see this place for what it really is. A hellhole . At first I was kind of weird,thinking, why the fuck are these Muslim females not wearing hijab? A voice suspiciously sounds like Onee-san would say ,"Islam atas name je tu." and then I would think, Islam REQUIRES female Muslims to cover our 'aurat' and I see that SOME of these creatures pray but if they pray,then why do they nor cover their 'aurat' ?? I know what their regular excuse if asked of this question( no doubt they've been asked this quite a LOT) - "tak sampai hidayah la you.." or "it's a choice! Everybody has one!" or "belum lagi kot...nanti2 la.." or "why do YOU care?" or "mind your own fucking business you little bitch." and so on. Of...

I knew I could never get away from that particular memory .I've learned to accept it as it is yet at times,it still haunts me when I am most unguarded. I didn't think I could remember as clear as it used to be and I don't.Instead of remembering the feeling of being the victim,it felt more like I became the third person and watched the memory replays itself. Much like the Pensieve,I would say. I don't remember the touches and slides of hands on my skin anymore,but now I remember it as a witness .Like I stood at the edge of the bed and watched the past me struggle. The leftover fear and shame bit the edges of my heart and I wanted to curl into myself and cry . I'd wanted to hold myself from breaking all over again. I'd wanted to drown in the dark,to feel numb. To feel nothing. I couldn't imagine if more had happened. If I had not resisted,would they have stopped? Would she have realized that something was wrong? Would someone heard my pleas? Or w...

This's the first time I cried on my own,without an alien trigger,after one week and three days since I became a UiTM Shah Alam student. I was okay,mostly.I miss them all,Mommy,Daddy,Onee-san,Mukhlis,Mia (yes,even Mia) ,Bocco,Tamao,and recently I heard that Noel and Tooru has successfully become parents to two beautiful kittens, Lucifer and Lily. Welcome to the family,loves. I haven't cried at all (minus that one time a lecturer played a sad vid clip of a mute father who died saving his daughter who tried to commit suicide by giving her his blood;she lived,obviously) and now I'm crying like there's no tomorrow. I've always loved how Onee-san strings her words. So beautiful. So different from mine,as usual. I miss her.So much. I knew she didn't really want me to go.Didn't want me to leave.And part of my heart agrees,that we can't live without each other. All those things before,it didn't matter. Sisters fight,it's normal. I vowed...