Find My Way Home.

Lost.
I'm lost.
No, I've always been lost. When, I didn't realize. But little by little, in the dark that I claimed to love and prefer during my worst moments, I got lost, and unable to return.

Ya Allah.. What have I become?

Looking at myself in the mirror, I became ashamed of myself. Over the years, spent with the wrong types of groups, spent among the society that I've hated so much and refused to acknowledge.. Had the things I resolved myself to loath ever since I set my eyes on them when I was barely 12 seeped into my existence as well?

Had I become those things that I loathed in all my life?
Astaghfirullah.. Astaghfirullah..

It felt like I was splashed with a basin of icy cold water. The realization hit me hard, and I felt like I needed to sit down before I fell in a crumpled heap, crying for forgiveness.

All this time, I had been hanging onto the past. Making a big deal out of everything. Publicizing my problems like I'm the only one who has them. Flaring my temper and scaring everybody else. I feel so ashamed.
Ya Allah..
Ya Allah..
Ya Allah..

What have I become?

Although it's true that family is my home, but actually, the real and only truth should be that Allah SWT, my Creator, is my one true home. Because from Him I come, and to Him I return.


And so, tonight, I decided to retrace my steps.
Stop turning to worldly support, and try my hardest to rely on my one true Creator instead. I will try and try and try until I feel that there's nothing more that will come first before Him, His religion, and my beloved Prophet, Nabi Muhammad SAW.

InsyaAllah..If He so allows it, I will actually feel more like His lowly servant than just a cocky ungrateful human.

Ya Allah, please give me strength. Please, give me another chance, to find myself again as Your worshipper. Please, give me patience, for my weak and blackened heart may lose to temptation once more. Ya Allah..

Ya Allah.. Please guide me to the path of which You bless. Guide me to Your pure love and faith, for they are all that I need for my families and my kinship.


My God.. I am lost..
I beg of You.. Please show me the way..

Amin.


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