AkImA No NiKkI

The last 48 hours would probably be my most remembered experience according to the Things That Happened When Coming Back Home file. Yes, I put caps lock on my files' titles. So I'm a freak like that, don't like it, ye can kiss my bumhole where the sun doesn't freakin shine. Everything was fine until my train stopped moving at 9 a.m at Dabong, Kuala Krai and never moved till the next morning at 2 a.m. I caught a fever the first night on the train because I ran about in the rain at the college, drawing out money and catching a cab by hand because the cab on my contact numbers were too far to reach.  At first I though, oh what the hell, I'd be fine soon as I got home, but then we got stranded and my fever got worse and my head pounds and pounds and pounds like some freakin african drumbeat and all things shot down to hell after that. Not to mention my phone died out of zero battery and the train got no place to charge the damn thing and can you imagine being st

I know, the word 'Positivity' is branded in my blog. It's a miracle! haha I'm not always depressing and gloomy though. Only most of the time. We have tendencies to sit closer to the dark, metaphorically speaking. 'We' meaning my sister and I. I just finished watching this anime movie called "Colorful" . I really like it. The best since I watched Hoshi wo Ou Kodomo. And probably slightly better since it's family-centered. Hoshi wo Ou Kodomo was great but it didn't touch much about family. Rather it centered around loss of a beloved, though in a roundabout way could be stringed to family. Suicide attempts during adolescence is rather a norm in Japan. Some made it out, some doesn't. Some got a chance for a second life, some doesn't. I'd know. It's not that I was much successful in my attempts anyway, I was probably strong enough not to carry them through but weak enough to try. Besides, it's always because of t

I should call home more often. I used to call twice a week the first term but as assignments gradually increase and free time is used to catch up on sleep and rest, it dwindled down a great number. I miss home greatly. I called Mom today and talking to her made my problems seem infinitesimally smaller than before. Suddenly all the other stuff doesn't seem important as much as it used to. It didn't really matter what we talked -the usual stuff, anyway.  I love hearing her voice, just as much I love hearing Qie's voice.  My sister's, my brother's. They sooth me, listening to their tones and pitches. A lot better than texting and whatnot. Not to say that I don't appreciate the simple gesture of keeping in contact while managing minimum trouble but sometimes the effort is nice when it's made, you know? Nicer. The same goes with Kei. I'm not mad at him anymore, wounds licked and closed and whatnot, but I find myself harder to talk to him via t

It's a novel for Language & Drama and one thing I'm sure, it's deep . It's close to most of the stuff I usually read at home -regards of the crap-shit of society and views of the world in many different eyes and all. I frown and sneer a lot when I read it. Especially after Charlie got smart. In a way, it wasn't wrong that he wanted to fit in, wanted to understand, for once in his life, but the attitude he picked up after it was, in a word, disagreeable. His logic was no less of a crap than the normal people out there. Yes, intelligence is admirable, but it doesn't change your status as a human being . Dumb, smart, genius, moron, evil, good, neutral, we're all human . Just because someone's not smart, doesn't mean he's bad. And just because someone's smarter than average, doesn't mean he's a saint. We're allowed to have opinions, but careful to never judge because we are not in any place to do so. We are fellow hu

I'm an idiot. A stupid, moronic bastard. I have worse names at the back of my head but it'll take me a long time to put it all down. What else do you call forgiving someone who's hurt you -and still keeps in touch with them? And it's not even the fun kind of hurt, to quote Stiles in a way. No shit, sister. *scoff* I hate people, okay? It's not exactly news. Not exactly rocket science either. I hate social interactions. Anything that involves me getting the fuck outta my room.  And those I call 'friends' ? Better appreciate the fuck out of my friendship. Because getting involved with people outside family means getting hurt. And I take risk in making these people my 'friends' . I don't smile a lot. I don't laugh a lot. I don't talk a lot. I don't love a lot. So don't make me regret my friendship, okay? Because when I decide to call you my 'friend' , it means that you are included in the little circle

This term we have two additional subjects ; Intro to Lit and Language & Drama. I love Lit, don't know when but I've always loved how words is perceived more than just scribbles on papers. It basically speaks my language, where I am most fluent and open. I don't have much for Drama but I don't mind it long as I don't have to be in the spotlight. But I really wish I could skip these classes this term. The subjects aren't the problem, if you get my gist. The thing is, we were asked to be OPEN.  Study of the soul, he said. Touch your soul, he said. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH MY SOUL. NOT IF I VALUE MY SANITY. Take it as a wake-up call, he said. I HAD MY WAKE-UP CALL 5 YEARS AGO AND IT COST ME HALF OF MY FUCKING LIFE. I DON'T NEED ANY MORE OR I'LL GO STRAIGHT UP BATSHIT.  Trust me, you don't want me OPEN. NOBODY wants me open, no, that's very horribly bad . You'd wish I'd roll up and back to the fucking hypocrite that I see

Last night was horrendously embarrassing. I didn't mean for it to happen, okay? I slipped. An honest to God innocent slip. We never knew the line between each other. There's always pranks and jokes and harmless flirts, acting as a wall. A barricade. It happened right before I knew it. It didn't occur to me that my speech suddenly swerved to a 180 degree change. I always seem to do so without meaning to. I find joking in written texts harder than in spoken speech. Partly because my nature in writing is not humorous, sarcasm aside. I've always thought that whatever happened between us, I wouldn't mind. Because it's him.  Maybe that's the reason. I always put my trust in the wrong person. And they always manage to hurt me one way or another, consciously or not. They blame me for being sensitive, but don't you get wary after being betrayed so many times over and over? I never want to trust anyone anymore. As far as affections go, you wil

I finished Memoirs of An Imaginary Friend last night. I admit when the ending was near, my heart was racing and the suspense was thick in the air. And neither am I ashamed to admit that a few tears slipped during the end. Budo is a great friend, the greatest one could have.  Though I knew that somehow he'd disappear -as all imaginary friends do when their person didn't need them anymore- it's nice to see that he was no longer afraid of where he'll end up after. (spoiler : Dee!!) Max reminds me of Sheldon. Minus the genius part. He sounds like one of those special kids that needed special attention but really hates them. At least he's not a narcissist. Yet. Speaking of imaginary friends, I wonder whether Budo really is an imaginary friend. There're a lot of cases in which children thinks their imaginary friends are imaginary but really, they are those things of which adults could not see. It's no surprise that children can see those things. I thi