Freaking out now

I knew this was coming.It's always like this.The insecurities,the worry,the fear.I know I did good.I know I did nothing to regret.
I took every chance in my way and I was sure I made good use of them.I wasn't gonna let all those hard worked study go to waste.I gave it my all.

 But what if it's not good enough?

 I seldom worry before things.I worry after them.It's almost the second week of Jan and I'm still going for my driver's license but then,what?

 What if I failed?

 What if I'm not accepted anywhere?
 For starters,I don't even know where to go! I know where I want to go and if God's wills it,I can.If I'm not accepted there,I could work somewhere else.The thing is,what if nobody takes me?

 What if I get bad results? despite all my efforts? I'll let Mom and Dad down.

 What will my younger siblings think of me? 

 What will Onee-san think of me?

 I won't get to see Qie and Wa.We'll get separated just like that,moving on with each other's lives.

 What if I'm not good enough?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

26 and still alive. who knew?

  Honestly, it has been a long..LONG time since the last update. Mostly because Twitter has become my new "blog", so to speak, and writing long posts consumes too much of time and energy I no longer have these days. Now that I look back on my old posts about what I thought of Twitter (nothing good, tbh), it's ironic how it replaced this blog even though this place is basically a record of my ongoing life from when I was 13 years old. The cringy posts, the cringe UwU anime talk, the cringe everyfuckingthing, basically. But it was fascinating to re-read my progress of growing up. The way my mind matured, and consequently, my understanding of myself. I'm glad I kept up with this record, so now I can always have something to look at and remember. I'm an English highschool teacher now, for real and legit. Just like I always wanted to be. Sure my mental stability isn't quite there, and my MDD is still co-existing with everything else, but what matters is that I am s
Read more

Healing and re-healing and more fucking healing.

 Here we go again, trying to heal through a variety of childhood traumas. Buckle the fuckle up, I guess. So, my childhood was sprinkled with violence as much as it was surrounded by love. That's what you get when your parents never went to therapy for their traumas and subconsciously fucking up their children as a consequence. The only reason I could find myself forgiving them for their parenting mistakes is because I know they never meant to, and they are aware of what their mistakes caused, and they are actively trying to fix and understand our pain. Not every parent is like them, I am well aware, and I also know that their mistakes are not everything they are to me. There is a huge difference between parents who consciously and knowingly hurt their children and parents who just made mistakes.  For all their mistakes caused my childhood to retain damages, they also tried their best to show me love in the ways they had never been shown by their own parents, and I appreciate that.
Read more

"Toukan Koukan" ; Exchange of equal value

Image
Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is the best of the best anime can offer.  I resolutely stand by this statement, even when there are countless of other animes that can teach us many things such as Gosick, Soul Eater, The Children who Chased Lost Voices, Code Geass, Sword Art Online, Tokyo Ghoul, No 6, and many more I could name. The first moment I finished FMAB, it felt like I had gone through a life and came out in tatters. So much truth put in one series. So much life. Especially when it's adorned with death. When has it not? Life and Death goes hand in hand. The one thing I love the most was the First Law of Alchemy, Equivalent Exchange. It is fair, is it not? To give all and take nothing is arguably noble. Modern people would say it's stupid and wasteful. Wise people would know that there is something more at work than the naked eyes. On the other hand, to take all and give nothing is selfish. No arguments. I don't watch these things for entertainme
Read more