AkImA No NiKkI

We finished our last paper today. And with that, our first term of TESL Foundation has ended. But I'm pretty nervous about my coming MUET though. My Speaking test is on 9th October, Thursday, a week after I get home. It's compulsory that we pass a Band 4 to get into the Degree program. If we don't.... we'll have to apply for a Diploma and go through the same thing all over again.  And, we have to pay back the earlier allowance. RM1,250. But, I'll cross the bridge when I get to it. ^^ Right now, I just want to enjoy whatever it is I have. While I'm not being depressed and negative and shit. LOL I'm going to BBW tomorrow!!!! xDD Can't wait! Tomorrow's the last day, too. It's in Seremban. Pasaraya Rapid Seremban 2, if I'm not mistaken. It's an hour or so a trip by KTM from Padang Jawa to Seremban. Mom put a limit of RM200. I put a limit of no more than 20 books because unfortunately, I don't have enough space to cram t...

Actually, my physical outlook goes more to Derek than Stiles eventhough my personality practically screams STILES. I have this scary killer-on-loose face that makes people cower on sight.  It happens.  No shit.  I get the ;  “smile a bit! You look like you’re strangling someone with your hands and enjoying it ” and “are you pissed off today?”  a nd  “why do you look like someone pissed in your coffee?” and  the most common and original would be “omg I’m sorry please don’t kill me I’m too young/beautiful/rich/other adjectives to die” .  Today I just got a new one.  “Farah looks like a doll……. The scary one.”  I can’t blame her really because I’m used to get those kinds of comments. Though I have to say that was the most near to a compliment about my physical than I have ever got to listen. Besides, the person –she’s my classmate, and, she’s got that naïve, sweet, lovable by everyone personality.  A...

Soooo... Today marks my first final term exam since I first rolled in to University! Yeay! The first paper was CTU081, Islamic Studies. I can't tell whether I fucked up real bad or just bad but it might be somewhere along that line. LOL I kinda don't care. Hey, who's to say I didn't spend a night memorizing the textbook( with the notes in it)? Besides, I hold onto what my primary school teacher always say, never look back at the past paper once you're done. Look at the next paper instead. Just to make sure you won't screw up twice. *grin* Oh, I suppose I should tell Fabio that the word "babe" derives from the word "baby" and you don't actually call your friends that. Unless they're a special kind of friend.  The one you go on romantic dates and have romantic feelings for. (ew.) But then again, I'd have to go through the trouble of explaining him all of that so I thought, to hell with it. Not like it gives any mean...

Okay, so I may have it like Onee-san does, what with all her commitment, falling in love, etc phobias that I do not bother remembering because duh, knew that before she did. Partly because I understand (again, duh.) and partly because I have the same problem. Not all of them, but maybe half or a quarter. I'm not one for lists though (was she trying to do the 20-things-about-yourself thing because it looked like it but there were only 18) but I can write it better than I say it. 1. I can't really say that I'm commitment phobic because I am fully capable of committing eternal commitment to my work.  Not to say that I don't enjoy some relaxing alone time once in a while but, yeah, when I have work, I commit. 2. Yes, I, too, am phobic with falling in love but that's because both of us have been hurt way too many times in so many ways that it is already too unhealthy for us to get involved in any romance-related relationships.  I  don't know how she...

Goddammit just let me cry. It's better than cutting myself open. Why won't the tears come out? Is the pain not painful enough? That's right. As long as I can keep myself composed and together even as the fire burns inside me, the tears won't come out. As long as I'm not screaming murder because of the horrible pain in my limbs, my body will not deem it tear-worthy. As long as I can look normal and talk normal, so will my brain perceive it. I've been deceiving it too long for it to know what I really feel by now. I've lied and lied and lied so many times to myself that I can face this. I can take it up like a stable person and at like a sane human in this miserable society. I can stand up. I can fight. And when the night comes, and the pain visits me..    Well.. Let's say that I don't look like I'm hurting at all with my body laying limp on the bed staring pointlessly up the ceiling. Like the pain in my chest wasn't c...

These last few weeks, my breakdowns are getting more regular. Usually it's 2 or 3 times a month. Now it's almost every night. I don't have the nightmares anymore. That's good. But my breakdowns are getting more frequent. And it's getting worse. I used to be able to cry myself to sleep to escape the pain. Now the tears won't even come. I have to endure the pain until I pass out. I write, you know. I write down the pain, because in my mind, it feels like I'm transferring the pain from my body to the paper through the veins to the pen in my hand. At least it distracted me for a while. It hurts , you know? The pain. Unbearable. Excruciating. It feels like drowning and burning at the same time. My air choked off as if I was drowning but my body was on fire. Eventually, I felt numb and lost all feelings in my limbs. My heart running a thousand a mile and every time, I was sure I was going to die. It was beating so fast, I was s...

Mom.  What has gotten into you. I SHALL NOT MARRY AT 18. NO. JUST. NO. It's so out of the question! And to my friend!  Absurd! Are you trying to shorten my lifespan??? Ending my freedom at 18??? That's... That's almost cruel! D"X I've only started my uni life and she's already telling me to get married ! With a friend (whom I've rejected once, mind you!) of mine ! Mother... have you been smoking crack? Right now, I have no interest whatsoever in my love life.  Nor any romance related stuff anyway. Just... zero. Nothing. Nil. Nada. Zilch. My behaviour is one thing for the guy to live with. My disorder another thing. To find a guy who could accept a PTSD burdened person with problematic attitude?  I'm more likely to find One Piece and become the Pirate Queen. But for Mom's sake, I promise I will ate least TRY to find this inexistent person. ..... when I'm 25 above. When I'm working and able to support my lif...

I am content. That is how I feel now, for the moment. This week has been hectic, yes, and very stressful as loads and loads of assignments and projects was dropped onto our heads promptly after our return after Merdeka holiday.  I was close to snapping few heads several times today. But that was beside the point. Work as a student life will always be hectic and that is acceptable no matter how much I whine and complain and pout about it. But my personal life however has taken a brighter road these days. The nightmares have been getting less each day and they're becoming rare by the week. I find myself sleeping more soundly and waking up have become easier. The voices in my head have been quiet, leaving only a dim buzz at the back of my head where they would usually pound and shout and yell and just basically torture every single breath of my life. My demons are letting me be, for once. I was determined to move forward, even as myself feel like it would be impossib...