Tear me Apart, yet Still Tears won't Come Out

These last few weeks, my breakdowns are getting more regular.
Usually it's 2 or 3 times a month.
Now it's almost every night.

I don't have the nightmares anymore.
That's good.

But my breakdowns are getting more frequent.

And it's getting worse.

I used to be able to cry myself to sleep to escape the pain.
Now the tears won't even come.
I have to endure the pain until I pass out.

I write, you know.
I write down the pain, because in my mind, it feels like I'm transferring the pain from my body to the paper through the veins to the pen in my hand.
At least it distracted me for a while.

It hurts, you know?
The pain.
Unbearable.
Excruciating.

It feels like drowning and burning at the same time.
My air choked off as if I was drowning but my body was on fire.
Eventually, I felt numb and lost all feelings in my limbs.
My heart running a thousand a mile and every time, I was sure I was going to die.
It was beating so fast, I was sure it will come to an abrupt stop.

I'll give you an example of one of my notes I wrote down on a particular night.

"It hurts so much.
Every time.
I wish I could cry.
But the tears won't come out despite the pain.
Goddammit I want to cry.

Help.
Help.
Anyone.
Help.
Help.
Help.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
Make it stop.
Make it stop, please.
Please, anyone.
It hurts.
God.
God.

Anyone.
Anyone.
Someone.
Please.

I can't breathe.
It's choking me.
It's growing in my throat.
The pain in my chest.
How it throbs painfully from the inside, like there is a war raging inside me and nobody's winning. I wish tears will come out. Please.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It hurts.
God.

I can't feel my limbs.
The fire-war, in my chest is flaring through the nerves. It's in my stomach now. It feels like it's churning but the pain inside my chest won't subside. It won't go away.

I'm scared.

I'm in a place full of people yet I feel so alone.

Someone.
Anyone.
Hold me down.
Ground me alive.
Take away the pain.
Anything.
Just....Just, hold me.

It hurts.
It fucking hurts."