Reverse Growth?
Olas~
It's 2 weeks since Finals ended and nearly a week since I got home. I spent a week at Sis's house and...well, some stuff happened, BUT! it's all talked out by now so I guess it's fine.
It's probably best left at that anyway.
I'm starting my 2-weeks of class observation (or what it's called Field Experience on the course guideline) on 5th Feb at my old highschool about 5 minutes walk from home. On that note, I've got it luckier than most of my classmates in regards to choice of school.
Not only I'm an alumni of the school, I'd probably know the teachers and doesn't have to worry about transportation nor temporary placement problem.
Thanks to Mom for encouraging me for this choice when my head was full of doubts.
Recently, I've been thinking(most of them in the shower because what else do you do while you shower haha) that my thought progress and behaviorism seems to grow in reverse rather than forward. I mean, in the sense of most people, as children, they started out as brats, right? They're clingy, selfish, immature, stubborn, etc etc etc.
Then they learned responsibility, and cooperation, and then slowly mature as they grow older, right?
It seems that I started backwards.
It was like my small protected world expanded into a lot of unknown territories that I have to explore by trial and error. Even worse, I had to do it with an audience of expectations, so I feel that for every error I am judged and every success approved.
From the feeling of freedom I worked hard to keep in my private world, it turned into a mechanical machine that lashes every time I fall and creaked with silence when I don't.
Do adults feel loneliness more striking than children?
It used to be easier, when I could understand the logic that you can't hold on to people because they'll leave anyway and you'll only have yourself to rely on. I was fine with that because to me, it's all or nothing. Choose one or the other. Easy. Uncomplicated.
I hate complicated.
But then I was scolded, saying I'll never go anywhere being alone and it's not good that I choose loneliness and cry about it and social conventions dictate how I need to mold myself to the figures of people around me and it goes on like a never-ending list.
It feels like I have to re-learn all of my old traits when I was a child while commandeering around as a "young adult". You can't do this, you can't do that, you must do this, you must do that, you can't talk about this, you can't talk about that, you can't say this, you can't say that, etc etc etc. If I was silent, I'd be scolded. If I talked, I'd be scolded too.
Because I didn't have a chance to make mistakes when I was a child, I made a lot of them as a "young adult" and apparently, that costed my competency status. It feels unfair.
I feel frustration in myself more often than I should as if my mental capacity has been turned into a (normal) teenager's. My egocentrism and recklessness has been shooting up the roof, too. I wish I had the sense of control I wielded back in highschool.
Sense of control.
Both my holy grail and binding curse.
It's as if I could truly grow after all the shit about my PTSD was revealed. I know sometimes it looks like I could only live in the past, but that's gone now. I'm so much better. I don't keep things building anymore. I try to give my best when I'm allowed to.
Almost every day is normal and I don't have nightmares or night terrors and even if I do, they're not about the past. They're just regular nightmares.
My point is, I try.
And I am still trying. Naturally, I will keep trying.
It'll seem pathetic, it'll seem slow, hell, it'll even seem almost disgraceful and selfish and stupid and moronic like I'm making a complete fool out of myself as I talk and act out of my ass, but I have hope and faith that I'll get better. I want to get better.
Once in a blue moon, I'll sit and hope for a presence.
I don't know why, but deep down, I hoped to be given a genuine encouragement.
A gentle "it's okay" or "it'll be alright, keep going" or "you can do it, just a little more" rather than staring into a void of darkness outside of my safe world.
My family show them differently, and that's okay too. I couldn't expect them to trouble themselves with me any more than what they've already done anyway so they're fine as they are.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
And honestly, it's the only thing I could do right now.
It's 2 weeks since Finals ended and nearly a week since I got home. I spent a week at Sis's house and...well, some stuff happened, BUT! it's all talked out by now so I guess it's fine.
It's probably best left at that anyway.
I'm starting my 2-weeks of class observation (or what it's called Field Experience on the course guideline) on 5th Feb at my old highschool about 5 minutes walk from home. On that note, I've got it luckier than most of my classmates in regards to choice of school.
Not only I'm an alumni of the school, I'd probably know the teachers and doesn't have to worry about transportation nor temporary placement problem.
Thanks to Mom for encouraging me for this choice when my head was full of doubts.
Recently, I've been thinking
Then they learned responsibility, and cooperation, and then slowly mature as they grow older, right?
It seems that I started backwards.
It was like my small protected world expanded into a lot of unknown territories that I have to explore by trial and error. Even worse, I had to do it with an audience of expectations, so I feel that for every error I am judged and every success approved.
From the feeling of freedom I worked hard to keep in my private world, it turned into a mechanical machine that lashes every time I fall and creaked with silence when I don't.
Do adults feel loneliness more striking than children?
 |
| Anime : Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun (I love the protagonist. She reminds me too much of my primary school self) |
I hate complicated.
But then I was scolded, saying I'll never go anywhere being alone and it's not good that I choose loneliness and cry about it and social conventions dictate how I need to mold myself to the figures of people around me and it goes on like a never-ending list.
It feels like I have to re-learn all of my old traits when I was a child while commandeering around as a "young adult". You can't do this, you can't do that, you must do this, you must do that, you can't talk about this, you can't talk about that, you can't say this, you can't say that, etc etc etc. If I was silent, I'd be scolded. If I talked, I'd be scolded too.
Because I didn't have a chance to make mistakes when I was a child, I made a lot of them as a "young adult" and apparently, that costed my competency status. It feels unfair.
I feel frustration in myself more often than I should as if my mental capacity has been turned into a (normal) teenager's. My egocentrism and recklessness has been shooting up the roof, too. I wish I had the sense of control I wielded back in highschool.
Sense of control.
Both my holy grail and binding curse.
It's as if I could truly grow after all the shit about my PTSD was revealed. I know sometimes it looks like I could only live in the past, but that's gone now. I'm so much better. I don't keep things building anymore. I try to give my best when I'm allowed to.
Almost every day is normal and I don't have nightmares or night terrors and even if I do, they're not about the past. They're just regular nightmares.
My point is, I try.
And I am still trying. Naturally, I will keep trying.
It'll seem pathetic, it'll seem slow, hell, it'll even seem almost disgraceful and selfish and stupid and moronic like I'm making a complete fool out of myself as I talk and act out of my ass, but I have hope and faith that I'll get better. I want to get better.
My family show them differently, and that's okay too. I couldn't expect them to trouble themselves with me any more than what they've already done anyway so they're fine as they are.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
And honestly, it's the only thing I could do right now.
 |
| I have something to say about this. Amelia opened my eyes to this, that it's not gonna be enough. We'll never be enough, so why the hell do we bother anyway? Per her quote, at the end of the day, we'll still love each other and we'll learn to love OURSELVES better too. Every fight will hurt and every word tossed will burn like a bonfire in our chest but it won't be as if we'll stop loving them. Man, I could never see it like she does. I get tangled in the most simplest things, and without her, I'll probably get stuck in a slump till I die. I miss them both so much. |
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