AkImA No NiKkI

Last weekends, I went home, to make my passport. Because I have no class on Fridays till Mondays, that makes my weekends 4 days long a week, so I feel very blessed. Despite having these long days of weekends, I don't necessarily go home often, because it takes me half a day by travel alone and it's a waste of money if I have nothing important to resolve back home. I went back last weekends because I need the passport to cross the borders to Thailand, since I will be tagging along with my clan having a holiday in Hatnyai. Hopefully it won't be boring because sis isn't going thus I won't have anyone to socialize with. Moving on to the thought at hand, on the morning of my departure to the bus station from home back to college, I was given an impromptu lecture from mom and dad as we were having breakfast. I know, I know. By now I should have been expert at washing off their words over me and learn not to take them at face value, but they caught me off guard that m...

Cohabitation with other people who aren't your family is strange. I mean, naturally, right? That much is obvious. But I don't know how to describe it. It's not like it's giving me problems, or discomfort. Rather, each of us are just living at our own pace while sharing a place. Knowing the bare minimum about each other, and communicating when purely necessary. Occasionally, we get irked by each other's habits, though showing no verbal distaste of it for the sake of keeping the peace, we get by. Even using "we" somehow feels like a unnatural context, because we are strangers sharing a space. It made me think how awesome it'd be to have my own place, living alone. I usually don't cook, but when I was living on campus, it was a violation. Somehow living here still feels like I'm on campus, without the HEP bullshit. I still don't cook, two of my other housemates do (probably because they're the ones who lived here first and are u...

Right, so we're gonna do this super long style because holy fuck I've not updated in so long. Who the hell keep updates on this blog?? The read counter boggles me. Anyway,for starters, I'm already in second week of my 6th semester, so that's two more to go before I graduate the degree programme (assuming I do not fail any subjects and get hold back from graduation). But for the entirety of the semester break, it was equally satisfying and frustrating at the same time. The former because I was simply home.  The latter was because the wifi was down and I couldn't execute all the movie dates (or dates, period) with beloved, and that my schedule didn't sync up with Mya's and Indah's and I couldn't visit them for our annual sleepover.That's the second time we've missed it.  I want to plan a loooong vacation somewhere with the both of them to make up for it someday soon. I miss all three of them so much (despite texting and calling beloved eve...

Overthinking is nothing new to the table, right. It's me we're talking about so *shrug*  Lately I feel afraid, that things would come to a crash, Like the other shoe about to drop. Paranoia, yes, common. I'm scared, in that unflinchingly common way I get when I've been too happy for a while. Little things you pick up and it piles on the anxiety train heading to paranoia town, Heading it off with drawings and songs and movies and stitchings, they're temporary. Waiting till it pass. So tonight, I curl into the position I have not got into since last year, a fetal ball, and breathe. If there was crying involved, I suppose it will make itself known. Wait for the tide to pass. It will pass.

I've actually watched this anime twice in the past few months and tonight is my 3rd time rewatching it. For some reason, I just love this anime lol It isn't like Haikyuu or Yuri On Ice where they specify or subtly imply the shipping game, it is a wholesome anime of friendship and teacher-student relationship. Though to be fair, I may have been indulging a lot of the latter lately, what with also rewatching Gokusen season 1 and season 2... Although there IS a subtle implication that there COULD be more than meets the eye if pushed, but it's very very small and common, unlike the ones shown in Haikyuu where it's plain to obvious to people who have more than decent analyzing skills. It could also be that I have a plain soft spot for main characters with Heine's personality... My favorite type of personality for main characters, to be honest. I loved the first time I watched it, but I feel as if I didn't pay enough thought to how the dynamics are neatly...

So, a special post for the beloved's 26th birthday! Since I just got home yesterday morning, we'll be doing something together just for the sake of old times because lord knows we haven't had nearly enough time with each other sine the semester started. Looking forward to it! ^^ These past few months have been way too stressful for the both of us, with schedules and events lining up after another. We keep our conversations where we can, for me, that would be gaps between classes and such. If we could even have a 5 minute call, that was good enough with the restrictions we have.  Considering my classes end way too late after his worktime and his workdays don't line up with my weekends, it was straining to say the least. I missed him way too much. Clingy, yeah, I know, I'm aware. But now that semester's over and my 2 months holidays begin, we can rectify the time we lost! So fucking many movies I have on the list for us to binge XD Heck we might go and fin...

So I haven't been drawing much lately. Because I've been focused on stitching and keeping tabs on things, there isn't really much pictures in my head to draw. But I have been steadily writing again, on top of doing more stitching projects. Oh, by the way, it's after election week now and I've just gotten back to college a day earlier than expected because fucking drama rehearsal. At least this time it's actually fucking productive and makes me have a smidgeon of faith that we won't completely fuck up the performance and fail. Time at home was good, though. I missed sis and my siblings. I like how they're interested in my stitching projects too 😗💕 It's taking me a while to complete each one since my assignment deadlines are coming up and I have prepared nothing. So.  All nighters till finals it is. No, I'm not gonna talk politics. Never liked it. Maybe the recent change is what "draws the world to Malaysia" right now but hone...

It's been couple weeks, yeah. So some shit been solved, some shit turns up. Most of the good shit, like problems with authority and keys and work are doing good. Mostly. Bad shit is, well, as always, people. Fucking goddamn stupid ass dumbfucked people. Y'all might see this as a new progress but my psychiatrist who I been seeing since last 2017 August for every month outside of holidays and semester breaks have told me that my appointments from now are gonna be spread out from once in 2 months. Eventhough I have my monthly pick up meds prescription. Know why? Because last time I saw him, I was to the brink of throwing myself out of the seventh floor of the faculty building. Because goddamn people of this society, this cultural background, have such an ignorant stigma for mental health. I get it. My folks don't even believe in mine still and they think the meds was a one time thing. They don't wanna know how disturbed I get without my daily meds. Hell they don't...

This semester is such hell. Such fuking hell. I'm normally optimistic with work but so many fucking shit with the authorities lately have been messing my mental crap that I can't fucking focus on my workload. When I do shitty work, I feel like fucking worthless shit. And I get so fucking whiny about it I even annoy the fuck out of myself with it. Like, it's not that big of a deal you stupid bitch, shut up and get over it. You have those moments when you go to the authorities to ask for help or request help or even permission for help and they go all up in your face how you're not qualified and how the fuck you make stupid fucking mistakes, it's the kind of people like you who make our jobs harder you useless student, why can't you be more diligent and compassionate towards others. What exactly am I supposed to reply in response? I'm sorry? well, yes, I am. I mean, it is my mistake at the core of it still. And my stubbornness for delaying too, so.  ...

Char Char had to be put down today. Beloved said it was because of kidney failure and heart failure, and the vet makes it obvious he wouldn't be able to make it through the night. It's Sunday so no vet around their area is open and he had to drive 4.5 hours back and forth for him.  I hadn't known Char Char for long. I only knew him for as long as I knew beloved, and that was for mere 6 months and 2 weeks. But as for a feline lover as I am, cats have a special place in my heart.  I have as much pictures of Char Char and Tezca as I do of him. When I woke up to his texts about Char Char's condition, my heart thumped heavily in my chest. I'm currently at Mya's place, after coming to visit her for her last stage performance two nights ago and ended up staying for the weekends, but I wanted to make this post to remember the date.  I wasn't there when Bocco passed. I wish I could have remembered the date or how he passed, but I wasn't. I was...

It's currently 1.32 a.m and I have 8.30 creative writing class in the morning followed by sociolinguistics at 2.00 p.m until 5.00 p.m. I have just woken up from sleep about an hour ago after taking a "nap" at 6.00 p.m.  I lied awake on my bed, struggling to even twitch a finger because I haven't showered since Friday evening. And I haven't started laundry. My head beats a steady headache and my insides twist and turn like a solo tango. I have cried out of nowhere several times in random moments these past four days.  Just, suddenly burst of tears out of the blue and the sadness piles into a chain of boulders to my feet. I fear going into that state of numbness again.  How long has it been since I last took my fluoxetine? In January? I was faring decent with my leftover alprazolam but I have only one tablet left after tonight. I'm scared.  I'm fucking scared. What if I start pushing people away because I grew too tired? What if I start distancing m...

Second day of starting semester 5 and I already feel like kissing an oncoming train. Credits to Bo for that reference.  I left my mug at Sis's place and the cafes don't sell any mugs so I can't make any coffee in my room. Leaves me with pretty much bare mentality to brace the class and schedules and stupid lecturer rules that don't make fucking sense. I haven't taken my meds since end of January cause I ran out and I need to make an appointment again soon to replenish my stocks because I know I'm gonna fucking need them to survive this semester. I barely survived second day, for fuck's sake. I've forgotten how loud the class is and how intense the headache they emanate.  Plus, some lecturers we get this semester are particularly obnoxious in the way that we have to dress exactly like they want even going as far as nitpicking on types of shoes and nametags. Also, how the classes are put together in the schedule is fucking ridiculous. Why in...

so I'm 22 now. Closer to death. Yayyy Technically my birthday was yesterday but who gives a fuck. Went off to Perlis three days ago because CikYah got engaged and then to Langkawi where I promptly got a panic attack and anxiety attack on my birthday at a SkyCable resort park because the adults wanted to play tourist. Also, my family forgot about my birthday. On top of an aunt calling me fat in the clan chat and an uncle not recognizing my face in a group picture. It was fine. Nothing speaks like day of birth if you don't feel like you want to die. Still, some of the day was salvaged so it's okay. My beloved was with me from when it was 15 minutes after midnight until nightfall and Amelia didn't forget.  An old wonderful friend found me back on Instagram and some acquaintances and friends wished me too. Some closer friends from college drew me a picture for my birthday and posted a picture of me as well so I'm grateful for them. Beloved sent me a pdf...

Hey. It's been a while. By a while, I mean several months. Not even a New Year post, right? I spent New Year with beloved, so.. I count it as a good start off.  I don't know if one day, I'll still be writing in this. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know who reads this anyway, other than my circle, but that's never been a factor to this blog.  I started this blog when I was..13? Right around the time before I went to SMK Ismail Petra, and my cousin suggested it to me because it seemed like a good idea, and I took a liking to it. It helps. Whether or not I knew it, a lot of the time, this blog helps pouring my heart out. I don't need to expect responses, I don't need to curve to anyone's expectations, and I don't need to abide by social "rules".  I'd just wanted to write my heart out. Years pass, and between events and roller-coasters in my life, this blog still goes on. Sure, it's missing HUGE chunks of time and pieces, but it has al...