confide.
Hey.Nothin' new,just a few rants here and there.
Something just made me remember some times when I was a kid.A 10 years old kid.
Life was hard for me at the time.I remember once when mom and dad fought,and dad stayed away from home for a while.
Muzakkir was 6 and he was at my aunt's house,if I remembered it correctly.
Being the only kid in the house,and my sister constantly ignoring me,I didn't know what to do.It was my first time seeing mom and dad quarrel,and it was really scary.At that time,I was thinking,"how come Onee-san gets to stay in her room while I can't?"
Even after they made up,the scary memories stayed.
After 4 years,I grew to be an independent young girl.But my mind was surprisingly shallow,and something else that I can't be sure of....blankness..??
I became scared,of being lonely,of the dark.Very,very scared...
I didn't dare to tell anyone.And it just keep building up inside me,like a timed bomb.
Until one night,a fight with my sister triggered everything.It was the first fight since 4 years ago,and I was at the hostel..I didn't quite remember that night,but I was sure there was a sight of blood..
It was dark at that time.Very dark.I was alone on the second floor,after that fight with my sister..I didn't remember what I did,but I remember the excruciating pain inside me.It hurts so much..I want to cry,but my eyes won't water.I want to scream,but my lips won't speak.
The memories of that time keep flooding in my head,the voices,the yelling,the words..All seemed too real..
I woke up next morning just to find my queen and my princess sleeping beside me.I glanced at my watch and knew it was a holiday morning.I stared at their sleeping faces for a long time,finding myself quite a serenity with it.
But when I looked at my right arm,I was shocked.
It was bandaged.
I got down from the bed and washed my face.When I went back to the bed,Faqie had already woken up.I crept to sit beside her,and when I did,she hit me.Hard on the head.
She asked me what the hell was that about.I said,what?.She pointed to my arm.The bandaged one.
I said I didn't know.
She hit me again.On the same spot.
She said she and Azwa found me slicing my arm with a scissors on the second floor last night.I asked whose scissors,she said nothing.
She caressed my arm,mocking me.saying things like,"why didn't you tell us?" and "you are the most stupidest person I've ever met." and "do this again,I will kill you myself." and one that I remember the most.....
"Don't do this to me."
She said if I have problems,tell her.It's okay if I'm at fault or I don't know,but I need to tell her.She said,"don't hurt yourself.Others will hurt ten times more." cry if I need to,but if I can't,then tell her.She'll make me cry.Be it hitting me or consoling me,she'll make me cry.
True,ever since then,I cry my hearts out whenever I have problems.It helps.It didn't solve my problem,but it helps me to think a way to solve it.
I truly thank God for the presence of Faqie and Azwa in my life.I can't imagine what would I be if I didn't meet them,probably dead already.
When I think back at those times,I sincerely wish nobody I love will have to experience that.Especially is he/she is suicidal enough,like me.
When I told Onii-san about my arm,he freaked out.I got scolded.The scar remained for a year and by the time I realised,it was gone.Hmm,probably just a few skin was cut.
The thing is,I learned to never keep it inside anymore.Even my sister got over it.We both found someone that turned our life better,and I'm sure you will too.
It's okay.It's alright even if you have the world turned against you,as long as you are yourself and glad that you are,things will get better.
Where there's a will,there's a way.^^
Something just made me remember some times when I was a kid.A 10 years old kid.
Life was hard for me at the time.I remember once when mom and dad fought,and dad stayed away from home for a while.
Muzakkir was 6 and he was at my aunt's house,if I remembered it correctly.
Being the only kid in the house,and my sister constantly ignoring me,I didn't know what to do.It was my first time seeing mom and dad quarrel,and it was really scary.At that time,I was thinking,"how come Onee-san gets to stay in her room while I can't?"
Even after they made up,the scary memories stayed.
After 4 years,I grew to be an independent young girl.But my mind was surprisingly shallow,and something else that I can't be sure of....blankness..??
I became scared,of being lonely,of the dark.Very,very scared...
I didn't dare to tell anyone.And it just keep building up inside me,like a timed bomb.
Until one night,a fight with my sister triggered everything.It was the first fight since 4 years ago,and I was at the hostel..I didn't quite remember that night,but I was sure there was a sight of blood..
It was dark at that time.Very dark.I was alone on the second floor,after that fight with my sister..I didn't remember what I did,but I remember the excruciating pain inside me.It hurts so much..I want to cry,but my eyes won't water.I want to scream,but my lips won't speak.
The memories of that time keep flooding in my head,the voices,the yelling,the words..All seemed too real..
I woke up next morning just to find my queen and my princess sleeping beside me.I glanced at my watch and knew it was a holiday morning.I stared at their sleeping faces for a long time,finding myself quite a serenity with it.
But when I looked at my right arm,I was shocked.
It was bandaged.
I got down from the bed and washed my face.When I went back to the bed,Faqie had already woken up.I crept to sit beside her,and when I did,she hit me.Hard on the head.
She asked me what the hell was that about.I said,what?.She pointed to my arm.The bandaged one.
I said I didn't know.
She hit me again.On the same spot.
She said she and Azwa found me slicing my arm with a scissors on the second floor last night.I asked whose scissors,she said nothing.
She caressed my arm,mocking me.saying things like,"why didn't you tell us?" and "you are the most stupidest person I've ever met." and "do this again,I will kill you myself." and one that I remember the most.....
"Don't do this to me."
She said if I have problems,tell her.It's okay if I'm at fault or I don't know,but I need to tell her.She said,"don't hurt yourself.Others will hurt ten times more." cry if I need to,but if I can't,then tell her.She'll make me cry.Be it hitting me or consoling me,she'll make me cry.
True,ever since then,I cry my hearts out whenever I have problems.It helps.It didn't solve my problem,but it helps me to think a way to solve it.
I truly thank God for the presence of Faqie and Azwa in my life.I can't imagine what would I be if I didn't meet them,probably dead already.
When I think back at those times,I sincerely wish nobody I love will have to experience that.Especially is he/she is suicidal enough,like me.
When I told Onii-san about my arm,he freaked out.I got scolded.The scar remained for a year and by the time I realised,it was gone.Hmm,probably just a few skin was cut.
The thing is,I learned to never keep it inside anymore.Even my sister got over it.We both found someone that turned our life better,and I'm sure you will too.
It's okay.It's alright even if you have the world turned against you,as long as you are yourself and glad that you are,things will get better.
Where there's a will,there's a way.^^
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