Some fucking break, i need.

Hello.

 today's kind of a bad day. And it's fine, I'm just reeling in the urge to break something and shout colorful profanities at the top of my lungs. My chest feels like it's gonna blow up from the pressure, but I'm fine. I'm fine.
I know cursing is bad and really frowned upon especially right now but considering some of the urges running through my head at the moment, it's really the lesser evil. Plus, I have not said them out loud. Just shouting them in my head and scrawling them wide and big and repetitively on blank pieces of paper which I later threw in the trash because evidences. I'm choosing the lesser evil here, really.

 So, warning, there's going to be a lot of F-bombs down here from this point.

 Okay, first of all, I need to get the fuck out of this house and BREATHE. Not for long, just a couple of hours, tops. If we weren't fasting and the evening has less potential to rain, I could take the bike and go to the park, just hanging out on my own, headphones blasting out the noise and a few books to keep me company.
It's Dad, to be honest.

 I don't know what the fuck went down during the whole showdown with the fucking retard and I don't give a shit but as a result of that particular shitfuck, he has been strangling me unconsciously like a farmer on Thanksgiving killing his turkey.
I don't think he's aware but fuck I need to fucking breathe alright.
I just need to fucking BREATHE.
No, not really. More like the sound of me throwing everything across the room.

And the whole breach of trust thing with Mom and Onee-san. Fuck I could just double facepalm until I see fucking stars behing my eyelids.
I can't believe Mom would do that.

 I don't want to insert my asshole attitude and go all bazooka over-defensive on this issue but a part of me wants to go right up on those people's faces and yell "WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE SHE SAID FUCKING NO ALRIGHT BACK THE FUCK UP WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU LEAVE MY FUCKING SISTER ALONE JUST BACK THE FUCK UP ALRIGHT"  and leave with a "have a nice day".

 Just what is wrong with fucking people these days.
She doesn't need the stress. She doesn't need these fucking unnecessary stress.
Just leave my fucking sister the fuck alone.

I love this house, I do. And I love my family, more than anything.
But I need some space on my own, and it has come to point that I can't even do that in my own room. Even behind locked doors and under the blanket.

 Some days, it's good. I remind myself that I have it good. I have it alright.
Between breaking down into pathetic pieces and shutting down into blinding rage, I do alright. 
I have to remind myself not to go so hard on myself, because the first point I need to make is defeating my greatest demon of all. ME.
But I can't go easy on myself either. Somehow I have to find a balance between the two.
Knowing when to pull the handle, and when to push the gas.

 I'm thinking a refuge, after Eid.
Maybe rent that separate chalet room from my uncle for a couple of days.
I don't know. I'll figure it out.

 I just need a moment's break. That's all.

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