AkImA No NiKkI

I'm panicking.Yes,I am panicking. My heart is jackrabbit-ing in my chest and my head keeps coming up with the proper song to describe this feeling.I feel constricted.Like there's not enough space inside of me to press this swelling.This swelling called "panic". I'm leaving.That's it. It's like boarding school all over again.Sending me away,and coming back for the holidays.I'm going away.For real. I suppose I should get used to it.And I know I will,soon because I'm an easy adapter.But the thought of leaving has always been unnerving to me. 'Leaving' means a lot of things. Maybe it's not so much as leaving as the location where I am to be sent.I mean,KB wasn't a big deal since I was still in the same state as home but Selangor is a whole different deal.That's half a day away from home. Being away stings on the first few weeks,I know. I've experienced it before.Boarding school for a year,remember?? Back then

Two more days. I will be registering as a TESL student in UiTM Shah Alam,Selangor,Kuala Lumpur. Yesterday,I spent the afternoon with my 'family' .I went with Mom and Onee-san and my baby brother and sister and promised to meet the both of them at the mall. It's been so long.2 years since I last saw them. I snuck into SMKIP when I was 15 once.My school was on early leave and SMKIP wasn't so I had a plan to infiltrate.It was fairly easy because I chose a non-studying day.I met Wa and then slept at Qie's house for three days. Yesterday,I was so happy . I can't remember the last time I felt so   genuinely ha pp y.The bubbly feeling in my chest makes me understand why authors refer it to 'as if floating in the air' .It feels like it.Like you're soaring above the sky. Qie brought her two little brothers because she can't seem to leave them elsewhere and it's become a habit over the few months at home to bring them everywhere.I didn't

Today,I had a haircut. As always,I asked Onee-san because it saves me a trip to the barber and nobody touches my hair.Not to mention the money saved from spent. Truth be told,I had grown to like my long hair. But it would be an inconvenience in hostel life when I leave so it had to go. I feel different,like,bare. It reminds me of that transformation Haruhi had,although obviously I'm nowhere as beautiful as either she or my sister.It's the hair I'm talking about,hair. Mine is now much much shorter.Like a military cut.It'll be fine after it grows a little bit.Good thing it grows back like weed.LOL After all things has settle down,I would probably grow it long again.^^

I know that Faqie and I have a 'link' .My biology teacher once said that when two people join their hearts together in a bond,it's the closest thing you can get to being telepathic. I can seem to sense when she is hurt or even when she have nightmares. Horrible ones that counts. That haunts even after we wake up. And she can do the same. It was stronger when we were younger because our feelings were strong and not effected by the flows of time and distance apart. Eventhough I am a realist by nature,I have my own world,created when I was a child.A sanctuary,where I can be nobody but myself without being judged by any sides. Where I can be alone. Until I met Faqie. She created a 'door' and effortlessly takes her place beside me.That feeling of when I first met her,like something finally clicked into it's rightful place never fails to stun me into silence. Then it became our world. OUR world. I know that it was only Faqie who got in on her

I think Yuki,our latest addition of the Wan Yahya family,is mentally stunted .Yuki has been with us for a solid safe a month and 4 days and still counting and he's adapted well to the house. Yuki in all his glory. xD A few nights ago as I recall it,he successfully remembered his way home after chasing Dad's car off the streets.Well,maybe with some help of my whistling. When Dad brought him in,he was roughly 4 or 5 months old ,cat-years .Then,I understand with the hyperactiveness and all the chewing and biting and clawing stuff as Noeru had been just as hyperactive as a child but he's nearing 7 months old and the chewing and biting and clawing stuff doesn't seem to be ebbing away. I know it doesn't have to be like,FLASH! and suddenly he's all matured and lazy like his adopted brothers (or uncles by the look of it though Noeru is definitely a brother.It's Bocco who looks like an uncle.More like Grandpa.LOL) but shouldn't the hyperactiveness slow

Needless to say,a death has occurred in a link of my family.A father of my ex classmate from my primary school has passed away due to a heart attack. He was a teacher at Daddy's school,therefore a friend of his. I was never a good talker in important moments,often ruining them by saying something random or blunt or insensitive so all the way to her house,I kept my mouth shut.Mom taught our class for a good 2-4 years so she is well known by my ex classmates. It seems even though my lips were sealed tight,my brains geared up vicariously more than ever.I thought of her grief,and how she would be handling it. I wouldn't know what to say or what to do because I've never been close to any of my childhood classmates.I was mostly keeping to myself and sleeping at the back of the class.Sometimes I would defend myself and few others just for the sake of it when kids from other classes bothered us but that was it. Whatever we say could not possibly measure up to her pain and

Lately,I've been taking midday naps.Believe me,it was not premeditated.After Lone Wolf ,I started re-reading all the thriller and horror books we owned.I suppose the feeling of survival counters loneliness. The tears I shed last night sufficed. For the loss of one friendship. One love . One friend . I held onto her long enough.She is no longer within my grasp,therefore it is only right that I take a step back and blend into the shadows ,before she met me. I had a dream this afternoon. I felt my eyes fluttered open and my sight was presented with pitch black darkness .I crouched and pressed my palm flat on the surface,to make sure I was standing upright and not the opposite.The soft feeling of trimmed grass tickled my palm. I stretched my arms forward blindly,searching for guidance as I shuffled in the dark .I was wearing shoes,at least. After a while,a faint luminescence glows around me,like that feeling when you walked out of a dark place into a glowing surrounding.

Sometimes I forget. She is the normal side of our secluded friendship. That she does not feel the same way Qie and I do. That time and distance means something to her. I've always thought...t-thought that,nothing could change us.Our friendship.Our world.Our links.It has always been just..there.Effortlessly. I forget..t-that..Even as Qie and I haven't changed as much.. She did . It's just..It never occurred to me before that she..wouldn't feel the same way about us anymore. That time could change her . I've always been hers..Yet now it seemed,that she was no longer mine. It feels like a punch to my chest,realizing that of the one things that I hold on dearly to my heart has been lost to me.My air feels choked. My throat clogs with heavy lumps,giving me that familiar sinking feeling. My chest feels winded as a choked laugh burst surprisingly from my lips,the sound bitter and raw even to my own ears. I was shocked. Shocked..When I realized,that I'v

Sometimes I think fast-reading could be a disadvantage at times.I mean,if I finish the books too fast I'm gonna be out of them in no time! (>x<") I finished P.Bosch's It's Not What It Looks Like two days after I got home from the festival and Jodi Picoult's The Storyteller later on.I'm down to Jodi's latest book, Lone Wolf and after that,no more! Gaaaahhh. *groans* I love P.Bosch's books. >3 They're so creative.I want to find his next book, Write Your Own Book that was released May 2013 I think.Not to give spoilers but M.E is really obvious.LOL I wonder what happened to Cass and Yo-Yoji after they graduated.Shall a new budding romance commence?? LOL (lol romance commence,M.E would've liked that.) And Jodi deserves her gold star winning awesome author award.Her books are marvellous ,I tell you.Based on family loyalties and the understanding of each role in every person's life,it almost feels like everything was happening

I can't help feeling the exact same way as Derek did in this fic.It's called Illuminated and the words are beautifully sculptured.I for one totally understands how emotionally constipated Derek is about Stiles. Even though most of the time I get in sync with the awkward flailing teen but in this one,I get Derek. As he is,I am also afraid of falling in love.But then again,aren't everyone? Derek has been burned - no pun intended - too many times especially after Kate fucking Argent.Loving Stiles,or,realizing he was rapidly falling for the spark with the knowledge of his unsuccessful track records of relationships would be terrifying. Stiles had a long list of unobtainable crushes including a certain strawberry blond Ms.Martin.He knows well the feel of rejection,it's taste bitter like gourd. As I like to phrase it,even as we expected the pain,it didn't take away the hurt any less.I never had to deal with rejection before because there was simply no nee