AkImA No NiKkI

"Hikaru. You told me you were getting better." "I was. I am." "You told me you'd fight." "I did. Still am." "Those cuts aren't old. The new ones are still bleeding on your arm. You forgot to clean the sink. You left the bandage open. You bought a new scissors." "There's just been some bad news. I felt worthless again. But now I'm good. I'm okay, now. It's just a minor setback, Yuki. I'm still fighting. See? Two cuts lesser than before." "Will you let me look at your arms?" "Sure. Here. Careful with the blood, don't wanna ruin your shirt." "....." "I'm really sorry about the scissors though..After all the time we spent burying it." "Hikaru. There're cuts on both of your arms." "Huh? Oh. Hmm. Maybe since it's been so long, I was trying to make up for the lost time. It feels like the longer I take a break, the

Made a sweet alliteration there, didn't I? *chuckles* Anyhoo, as it said, Foundation year is coming to an end as the finals gain by less than 72 hours. Then we'll go our separate ways, depending on the results. Just like highschool. Though this graduation may end in more memorable way than 2 years ago. Most of us are looking forward to the grad dinner night, a commemoration of one year spent together. Except for some, including me. If I hadn't paid for it, I would've stick to my decision on skipping. The thought of too many people was enough for me to burn my money just like that but Amelia and Irene had threatened of various torture and I surrendered with dignity. When I first came here, I made the first impression as any normal ones I made throughout my life. Quiet, emotionless, devil-may-care person. I've never been good with strangers. I take time to open up. Close to a year, to be exact. My roommates during the first term was alright, eventhough one

Drama performance was today.  And it was fine, by my standards. We did okay. And it has also been yet another enlightening event of why I fucking hate people. Yes, the script isn't ours. But the punchlines are. And you people stole it from us. Making us look like idiots on stage. Therefore, thank you for empowering my justified reason on why the fuck I stayed away from the unnecessary contact of human beings in society. Because of such existence. All those 6 fucking weeks practicing and rehearsals, wasted into giggles and shit. Our energy and time. Those ideas were -are- Amelia's. At the very least they could have cited the fucking thing. *sarcasm duly noted* Of course not all of them were the culprits or partners in crime.  I was so fucking frustrated and pissed beyond measure. They were lucky I have control -what left of it- of my temper else I would've definitely break something.  Their faces, probably. I don't know if Sir noticed it. Don'

Kei finally got a girlfriend~!! Yeay for the guy, huh? Plus it's with the girl of his dreams a.k.a his for-a-while crush. At least one of us has a healthy love life. His would so make up for the disaster of mine. LOL I thought that since he'd gotten the girl, he'd spend more time with her and less time with this best girl friend of his but clearly, I was wrong. Instead, he seemed much more..clingy? Is that a good word in this context? I don't know, really. *chuckles* I was pretty much prepared for the silent mornings and nights when we usually would text or call and just talk about pretty much anything and everything. But then, some times lately he would surprise me by him starting the conversation first rather than me. Usually it's just me who starts. And then with all the exaggerated mushiness -I mean, it wasn't that different from before, Kei has always been the romantic-man and ready to sweep any damsel off her pretty dainty feet- but he doesn't

Thank you for this song. The girl is a reminder, that I would fight every single night, day, and demon, for her fate not to be mine.  Her decision as one I will never take as far. She was lucky. She had one person who stuck by her side. Someone to hold her. Someone to say "I love you", and by all means, meant it in every way. Someone to hold a promise to. I have Amelia. Funny, isn't it? Amelia would hold me when I break, and bury my demon (literally), when the people I hold dear around me just sit awkwardly by my side and watch me cry and curl into my own ball.  You know...I think, Amelia could be my Catwoman.

Ugh so many to do. So many on the list. So many tests. So many quizzes. So many troubles.  Drama performance is on the night of 25th which is to say, not far away now. But because it is a group performance therefore involves more than one people, it is really fucking annoying when one person couldn't make it to practice because they're lagged behind in their assignments. got that in one, Merls. Hello, other people had it just as bad okay. We finished ours just in time for practice while you just wouldn't make time over your kdramas and whatnot. Okay, so I'm a workaholic but at least I get my job done. And yeah, sometimes I make mistakes but I try to make up for them. What have YOU done, huh? The drama is one thing. The finals is definitely another thing. it's on 30th, which is 5 days just after Reader's Theater.  Right now we're just catching up on all the late quizzes and tests. And not to mention is the deadline week for most assignments.

Sometimes, I get so scared that I won't ever be enough for someone. That I won't be enough for them to stay. That I will never be enough to love. I'm not pretty, I know that. On the physical side, there's nothing much I can give. My scale just tips better on the personality because my mental is worse than my physique. Beauty and brain goes to Onee-san while I just survive. I'm just grateful for every morning I open my eyes, even when I wake up bloodied and more scars than before. I just try to survive the day and hope to last another night. Nothing more. I realize I do avoid the fact of my inadequacy. I hate looking in the mirror. I try to take pictures instead of being taken. I am strong because of my weaknesses. I survive because I am wired for it. To the future person who will love me, if you do exist, know that I am not perfect. I have nothing much to give, except my dreams and demons. I'm not pretty to look at, both physique and mind.

Weekends are nice, if a bit too quiet, even for me. My roommates regularly go home during the weekends, all three of them, leaving me alone for three days until Mon starts again. I don't mind per se, but sometimes the silence grates. Like I don't know what to do to fill it, though usually I don't care. Had a minor freak out with Kei tonight. I have a little plan for our end of term dinner (formal wear. Yuck.) that will proceedingly embarrass me in front of my crush but I planned it in the name of no-regrets. Doubt was seeping into my head all day since this morning and by night, I was gonna cancel the whole thing. Just, push the red button and system all stop. RED ALERT. ABORT. ABORT. ABORTTTT.. I didn't wanna go to the damn thing anyway because, duh. People. But for reasons that are free food and I fuckin paid for it so, my reluctance rendered moot by Amelia and Irene who are ecstatic at having me play human-sized barbie doll dress up. *groans* The th

Never in my life have I ever been so nervous with a presentation. Like, annoying-nervous not the pleasing-nervous. Presentations have never been much of a problem before. I mean yeah, they're easy though a hassle but it's nothing big, ynoe? Get to know your topic, get down the necessary information, and present it. Done and done. No deal. What makes it a deal is when someone in the group does not do their work and will drag the rest of us in trouble. Which is teeth-grindingly annoying, you know?  She was lucky I'm not that pissed off to really slap her as per my intention. YES WHY She knows full well how mind-numbingly particular this lecturer for this subject is. Yet still she does not show up for two weeks of consecutive meetings for the discussion, even when we informed her of time and place. And when she shuts up BRILLIANTLY in front of the class, the lecturer is gonna target the whole group. Which in turn makes me think the idea of slapping her into obli

Yesterday I was strolling through YouTube for some acting lessons which was arguably foolish. I thought they had tutorials for this gig. Apparently my manly acts aren't manly enough, or at least, not the right kind of manly we're looking for my character. Somehow, someway, I ended up looking at introvert-related vids. I really like them because I could comment and like and just nod very understandingly according to experience.  Some people are introverts because they're naturally shy or nervous.  I just hate people. I love the one with the myths about introverts from BuzzFeed vids. Their cartoons are so adorable! xDD It's true. I support this. Right now, my circle of friends are just Amelia, Irene, and Kei. My daughter are included in the family section. The rest are grouped in either the acquaintance section or someone-I-know section. I'm not shy or timid or any of those stuff. I play (or used to play) sports and have quite a number of roles dur

Once is an incident. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice is a pattern. This is definitely becoming a pattern, if it's not already. Though a greatly beneficial pattern, I must say. They keep feeding me. And if that's not a good (marvelous) thing I don't know what is. My roommates, Irene, and sometimes, even Amelia, they keep feeding me and I really love it when Irene pets my head which makes me sound like a humanized feline species. (Translation : CAT) Even more when I keep falling (read:intentionally) on top of her just so that she'll pet me. And the best thing is? Irene never fails to disappoint. It's just luck that I can't emanate purring sounds. The feeding part, I don't even plan it. I just, some days, come back to my room and find some snacks or candies on my table, courtesy of my roommates. I'm really lucky for them. And on weekends, I rarely go out, preferring to stay in bed and do my work or play games or read in pea