AkImA No NiKkI

Idiots.  I know our society has them but it was of no concern to me long as they keep out of my life. And then, Fabio happened. On top of him, is Kei. *groans*   God, give me strength. I would've never pegged Kei as an idiot because he's not, IQ-wise. He's more of a...coward, I guess. I understand, because fear is a very strong element. I would know. But still, I have a strong will to survive . Because I know, that no matter how many times I tripped and fell on my knees and sometimes might even stay there on the ground for a while, I would always, ALWAYS , get back up again. Granted, I need help sometimes, when my legs feel like they'll give out. The point is, I am not afraid of calling out for them. I am weak, and so I acknowledge it. By acknowledging it, I can stand up again, and move forward to where I want to be. Kei, he's constantly get dragged by his fear . He won't take a step forward. He's standing, up and straight, but won't put h...

Never let it be said that I don't learn from my mistakes. I don't always have a crush, but when I do, it's almost funny. LOL I had another terrible breakdown during posting the last post and I reached out to Amelia when I felt like I could no longer hold myself together.  It was probably dumb but sort of smart thing to do. Amelia does what she always do when I have my breakdowns. She pulls me into a hug and sang to me. It was something Luchia had always done, and always works. I know it sounds like I had replaced her but it's not like that. Luchia will always be my daughter and princess, but she's not here now. Like I am not there for her. We talked, Amelia and I, and after calming down, I rummaged my locker and gave her the scissors I- um, never mind. I only wanted her to keep it away, throw it or whatever, but she suggested we bury it under the ground. So we did. I haven't had any more cutting urges since then. I don't know about the break...

Lately, I find myself contemplating my recovery records. Am I really (slowly,albeit) recovering? Am I truly doing the right thing to recover? Can I really recover, in a sense?  There's no one who knows my mind better than my own, and I refuse to let a stranger (regardless of qualifications) poke around with it but...I am wearing down. I believe drama class is driving me to my original state of depression. It might even fuel it, in a concept. True, practice with Amelia and Irene is fun, when foolishness is nothing between us. But after every formal rehearsal, my mind shuts down into a very dark place. Every comment I receive of my rehearse is that my personal habit of never meeting the eyes of the audience. You'd think this shouldn't have been a problem to me since I can't see anyone clearly within a 2 mile radius yet still, I could not do it. There's the old trick of looking at the wall but that wouldn't work since the audience is sitting down and would ...

Last night the three of us had some private drama rehearsal, Amelia, Irene, and I. Since we enjoyed it, apart from practicing our scripts and criticizing each other's acting, we agreed to do it again tonight. It was fun. :) Irene said the real performance is to be staged next week. Sir had approved of the invitation for friends and families alike but let's be serious.  None of my hometown friends nor families could come and see my performance. I do have few relatives in KL but hell if I'm gonna let them know.  Less people to see my epic failure on the big stage. LOL I don't know if our practices make any difference to our acting though I guess we'll see tomorrow. We have our 2nd rehearsal session for drama tomorrow afternoon, right after Grammar. I finished my intro slide, featuring the ever famous Slenderman paired with Hoodie and Masky by his side. I chose a somewhat horror+suspense song, hoping it would fit suitably with my thriller script. I...

Nanka, work lately haven't much to do. Am I doing this right? Doesn't seem to feel right to me. I thought in 2nd term, work would be doubled. Instead, it feels like last term was more heavier in terms of workload than this one. Granted, I'm not complaining, merely stating a statement here, but. I don't know. I feel like I'm missing pieces. Hmmm.... I've asked around on what work we're supposed to finish but other than group work presentation, I've done pretty much all the rest. The journals were sent to print, presentation notes are taken, manual homework already finished.... What else? Omg whattahell am I doing

Some secrets are made to never be revealed and brought to the grave. Or so we think. I think it depends on decisions we make. Humans are rarely constant beings after all. Two days ago, a slow realization came upon me. My mental state is no longer a secret, but has slowly starting to become just another information about me. I suppose it sort of snuck on me, when I allegedly speak of it to my roommate. Of course, it isn't relevant to people who are of not blood relations to me. Last night, after posting my last post, I called Kei. It's something I'm known to do every now and then. I reach out when I feel like I'll drown. Normal instinct, right? Being a survivor to the core and whatnot. His voice calms me, and I cried for real. We talked, and my depression dissipates for the moment. Since there were talks of his crushes, I began to think of my own feelings.  Admittedly, I do have this one crush at the moment, but. Rather than the secret of ...

I slept the whole day yesterday, after changing from class till this morning. I stayed up, finishing a draft for an assignment, and read sterek fanfic until 4 in the morning.  Around 7 something before that, I vaguely remember Amelia (not real name) and Irene (not real name) stopping by my room to pass me some kind of questionnaire. I'm quite glad to have few friends I could rely on.  I really can't help sleeping the day through though and I blame it all on my PMS. Binge-sleeping, I call it. I get sleepy all the time and it's twice's harder to get out of bed when I'm in it. Amelia tried to pull me off the bed, forcing me to eat something since I've been doing nothing but sleep but I was lucky she didn't have the time for it. Kid's quite hard-crack stubborn when she wants to be. And reminded me to wake up early at 8 today for her medical check up. So I successfully woke up at 7.15 today and waited 3 minutes before 8 at the mini market at the e...

Yesterday, we had our first drama rehearse in Angsana hall. Of course, our first assignment was to create scripts of our own of which we were to act but still.  Seeing is believing, yes? Much more creating it in spoken words, instead of typing them on paper. Since it was individual scripts, it was individual performance as well. stage fright, man. It's a very real thing. I thought my name wasn't gonna come up because I thought we're going with odd numbers (as usual, my name is the last on the name list) then suddenly, it did. I froze for a while before slowly standing up and making my way to the stage.  Since it's our first ever rehearsal, the hall was empty. Once in front, I didn't spare a look towards the class. I kept my head down and dragged a chair for my opening. My script is, predictably, entitled 'Slenderman's Proxy' . I sat on the chair and posed a sleeping pose. I took a deep breath and summoned my voice project. I did fairly w...

I'm afraid I have been a bit rude to one of my lecturers this morning. Granted, I wasn't fond of her teaching style because she reminds me of one of those narcissistic teachers like that Chinese lady in Doubting Thomas, but I was not raised to be rude to my elders.  Though I could use my excuse of PMS, it still wouldn't cover the fault. She was asking -as most do- about the flood and I wish I hadn't been so honest. Damn my honesty-training. Sure, my mood swing was kicking in though to be fair, I woke up early today just to have a cup of strong coffee to prevent me from sleeping in her class since hers is the first class we start with every Tues and Wed. I answered her questions rather dismissively, I'm afraid. A classmate tried to explain my rudeness to her in hope that she wouldn't lash out at me, saying how "I've always been like this from the beginning". I appreciate her effort. Though later she said it was because I seem to be glaring...

Urgh, first day of class.  At least I wasn't late. Considerably, I have no mood to face either of the lecturers for the time being. As if my mind is still at home, wondering about the house. Besides, it's arguably understandable that most of them starts the day with opening news about the flood. It is announced as the greatest flood in Malaysia after all, or something like that. Every time they ask "How was your holiday?" I feel like glaring a hole through their brains. I ain't answering that question like shit.  Only my Lit lecturer asked which of us has been affected by the water disaster. God bless him. The other lecturers touched a bit about it but they didn't ask whether any of us were victims of the natural disaster. But of course, since Shah Alam isn't affected at all, is it? Screw you all. These people who knew nothing about losing a considerable amount of belongings can just jokingly say all they want about the disaster and the victi...

"....bb-d-ch bb-d-ch bb-d-ch..." that's the beat that keeps pounding the back of my head since this evening. It hurts like shit. I used to imagine the pain like being bitten and nibbled by an overgrown sharp-teethed monster, hanging from my head. Now I imagine a mini evil-me banging my brain like a drum to that upbeat note. I suppose that's from the over-sleeping this afternoon. It makes it hard for me to concentrate for the journals tonight. I tried doing half of the first earlier but no luck push through. I mean, damn . I know I said I can multitask pretty well but I can't work shit when it's daylight. Says how much of an owl I am. Nocturnal. *shrugs* I spaced out quite a lot today after night sets in, thinking about how Mom and the others are doing. I know that there's not much to do by now, only the clothes to sort and wash and fold into its place, but still I worry over the things I could've done. The room didn't set my heart a...

               "It's been 9 days since we started cleaning the house. By now, we'd already restored the 3 living rooms to a somewhat resemblance of what it looked like before. Only the book racks are missing, so Dad's books had to be put in a movable container for now. We just rigged the TV today, too. Just now Dad opened channel TV3 and M3 popped out. It was doing a cover on the flood in Kelantan, mostly at the worst sections ; Kuala Krai, Manek Urai, Gua Musang, and others. It seemed unbelievable that these places were listed in my destination line before, in the train. These places are close to my hometown.  Places I could go with just a bike (if I had the time and money). I wondered if I was a day later. Would I have survived without my family beside me? No doubt, I would have tried my damnedest to stay alive with the single thought to come home but the question is : would it be enough? These strangers couldn't possibly see the...

This might be the longest post I've ever written. Fair warning. Because internet just got available to our house last night and boy, do I have a lot of things to say.  It's been 15 days since my family evacuated our house when the water rose to dangerous level and if you count a day when I arrived home from the train fiasco, 16. 11 days since we started cleaning the house.  We managed to finish the living rooms but the private rooms are still in progress. We're just waiting for the mattresses to dry, really. We spent the first 6 days at Kg. Belimbing, where it's dry and safe. Mom managed to found a homestay -a rent house, actually- where they have a clean well. There were 4 families of us, including my own. All of us are grateful for the clean water, despite no electricity and phone lines. We were worried for the rest of the family, but our prayers were all that we could send. Water were up to drowning level, and none of us own a boat either way. Actually, to sa...