AkImA No NiKkI

The last 48 hours would probably be my most remembered experience according to the Things That Happened When Coming Back Home file. Yes, I put caps lock on my files' titles. So I'm a freak like that, don't like it, ye can kiss my bumhole where the sun doesn't freakin shine. Everything was fine until my train stopped moving at 9 a.m at Dabong, Kuala Krai and never moved till the next morning at 2 a.m. I caught a fever the first night on the train because I ran about in the rain at the college, drawing out money and catching a cab by hand because the cab on my contact numbers were too far to reach.  At first I though, oh what the hell, I'd be fine soon as I got home, but then we got stranded and my fever got worse and my head pounds and pounds and pounds like some freakin african drumbeat and all things shot down to hell after that. Not to mention my phone died out of zero battery and the train got no place to charge the damn thing and can you imagine being st...

I know, the word 'Positivity' is branded in my blog. It's a miracle! haha I'm not always depressing and gloomy though. Only most of the time. We have tendencies to sit closer to the dark, metaphorically speaking. 'We' meaning my sister and I. I just finished watching this anime movie called "Colorful" . I really like it. The best since I watched Hoshi wo Ou Kodomo. And probably slightly better since it's family-centered. Hoshi wo Ou Kodomo was great but it didn't touch much about family. Rather it centered around loss of a beloved, though in a roundabout way could be stringed to family. Suicide attempts during adolescence is rather a norm in Japan. Some made it out, some doesn't. Some got a chance for a second life, some doesn't. I'd know. It's not that I was much successful in my attempts anyway, I was probably strong enough not to carry them through but weak enough to try. Besides, it's always because of t...

I should call home more often. I used to call twice a week the first term but as assignments gradually increase and free time is used to catch up on sleep and rest, it dwindled down a great number. I miss home greatly. I called Mom today and talking to her made my problems seem infinitesimally smaller than before. Suddenly all the other stuff doesn't seem important as much as it used to. It didn't really matter what we talked -the usual stuff, anyway.  I love hearing her voice, just as much I love hearing Qie's voice.  My sister's, my brother's. They sooth me, listening to their tones and pitches. A lot better than texting and whatnot. Not to say that I don't appreciate the simple gesture of keeping in contact while managing minimum trouble but sometimes the effort is nice when it's made, you know? Nicer. The same goes with Kei. I'm not mad at him anymore, wounds licked and closed and whatnot, but I find myself harder to talk to him via t...

It's a novel for Language & Drama and one thing I'm sure, it's deep . It's close to most of the stuff I usually read at home -regards of the crap-shit of society and views of the world in many different eyes and all. I frown and sneer a lot when I read it. Especially after Charlie got smart. In a way, it wasn't wrong that he wanted to fit in, wanted to understand, for once in his life, but the attitude he picked up after it was, in a word, disagreeable. His logic was no less of a crap than the normal people out there. Yes, intelligence is admirable, but it doesn't change your status as a human being . Dumb, smart, genius, moron, evil, good, neutral, we're all human . Just because someone's not smart, doesn't mean he's bad. And just because someone's smarter than average, doesn't mean he's a saint. We're allowed to have opinions, but careful to never judge because we are not in any place to do so. We are fellow hu...

I'm an idiot. A stupid, moronic bastard. I have worse names at the back of my head but it'll take me a long time to put it all down. What else do you call forgiving someone who's hurt you -and still keeps in touch with them? And it's not even the fun kind of hurt, to quote Stiles in a way. No shit, sister. *scoff* I hate people, okay? It's not exactly news. Not exactly rocket science either. I hate social interactions. Anything that involves me getting the fuck outta my room.  And those I call 'friends' ? Better appreciate the fuck out of my friendship. Because getting involved with people outside family means getting hurt. And I take risk in making these people my 'friends' . I don't smile a lot. I don't laugh a lot. I don't talk a lot. I don't love a lot. So don't make me regret my friendship, okay? Because when I decide to call you my 'friend' , it means that you are included in the little circle ...

This term we have two additional subjects ; Intro to Lit and Language & Drama. I love Lit, don't know when but I've always loved how words is perceived more than just scribbles on papers. It basically speaks my language, where I am most fluent and open. I don't have much for Drama but I don't mind it long as I don't have to be in the spotlight. But I really wish I could skip these classes this term. The subjects aren't the problem, if you get my gist. The thing is, we were asked to be OPEN.  Study of the soul, he said. Touch your soul, he said. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH MY SOUL. NOT IF I VALUE MY SANITY. Take it as a wake-up call, he said. I HAD MY WAKE-UP CALL 5 YEARS AGO AND IT COST ME HALF OF MY FUCKING LIFE. I DON'T NEED ANY MORE OR I'LL GO STRAIGHT UP BATSHIT.  Trust me, you don't want me OPEN. NOBODY wants me open, no, that's very horribly bad . You'd wish I'd roll up and back to the fucking hypocrite that I see...

Last night was horrendously embarrassing. I didn't mean for it to happen, okay? I slipped. An honest to God innocent slip. We never knew the line between each other. There's always pranks and jokes and harmless flirts, acting as a wall. A barricade. It happened right before I knew it. It didn't occur to me that my speech suddenly swerved to a 180 degree change. I always seem to do so without meaning to. I find joking in written texts harder than in spoken speech. Partly because my nature in writing is not humorous, sarcasm aside. I've always thought that whatever happened between us, I wouldn't mind. Because it's him.  Maybe that's the reason. I always put my trust in the wrong person. And they always manage to hurt me one way or another, consciously or not. They blame me for being sensitive, but don't you get wary after being betrayed so many times over and over? I never want to trust anyone anymore. As far as affections go, you wil...

I finished Memoirs of An Imaginary Friend last night. I admit when the ending was near, my heart was racing and the suspense was thick in the air. And neither am I ashamed to admit that a few tears slipped during the end. Budo is a great friend, the greatest one could have.  Though I knew that somehow he'd disappear -as all imaginary friends do when their person didn't need them anymore- it's nice to see that he was no longer afraid of where he'll end up after. (spoiler : Dee!!) Max reminds me of Sheldon. Minus the genius part. He sounds like one of those special kids that needed special attention but really hates them. At least he's not a narcissist. Yet. Speaking of imaginary friends, I wonder whether Budo really is an imaginary friend. There're a lot of cases in which children thinks their imaginary friends are imaginary but really, they are those things of which adults could not see. It's no surprise that children can see those things. I thi...

So, I reached my new room yesterday and had a full day to myself. It's location is negotiable due to the distance between the mini market and the toilet but, nothing I can't live without. Glad I got the same bed -as in bed location in the room - though. I downloaded Hybrid Child last night and watched a short anime of Orenchi no Furou Jijo . It's funny. Hybrid Child is yet complete so I'm waiting for it as well as SAO II. I finished The Big Bang Theory . Can't wait for next season! xDD New roommates are okay. One of them is a perfectionist but I have no care for it long as she doesn't touch my stuff. I'm a possessive bastard but I'm not a clean person. Groups are out and I delightfully announce that I'm saddled again with that particular person whom I cannot quite say I dislike yet grateful for her existence. Tho it worries me when I saw a few names of which I had ingrained in my mind as the 'Popular Circle' being in the same g...

A week left until I depart to Mawar College for another 6 months of 2nd term as a TESL-ian. My final's result was received and I delightfully announce that I reached a GPA of 3.5. Not too bad for an average like me. :) Now I wait for MUET result which could incapacitate my requirement quota to apply for Degree programme. Yay. After Onee-san introduced me to The Big Bang Theory, I've been putting it on a marathon to catch up to Season 7. I'm already in the middle of Season 4 and I hope I'll make it before I go back to college.  Can't have it mess up with the next havoc schedule. On the note, Jim Parson aka Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper is my new favourite actor.  Isn't he the cutest??? XDD Also, I think I'm developing a fondness of him which can be associated with the same kind I have for Clint . Despite their obvious 360 degree differences. Damn, I'm starting to sound like him as well. *sigh* This is what happens when you marathon science rom-co...

Is it fun figuring out people’s puzzles? I couldn’t say. Not that I’ve never did that before, figuring people out, but I’m not one to persist should I encounter a hard one. I’m the go-flow type. Not the crack-it-till-it-break type. Why all of a sudden, you ask? Well, it comes to me in a sudden thought –as most my thoughts do- that people around me treats me like a puzzle to crack. For men, it’s not uncommon because women in general are already a puzzle for them. For women, on the other hand… They usually look at me like I’m an abomination to their sex (which, hello, I’m a female too *rolls eyes* ) and some make it their life’s goal to figure me out, that is, in other words, annoy the shit outta me. They counter by pointing out that I do that too. Figuring people out. Well, excuse me if your existence is marginally obvious like it’s stamped on your forehead.  I tell things as it is. I don’t stick around and jotting their behaviour like a guinea pig. That’s a...

It didn't click at first. But then, isn't it always with  Marcus Sedgwick 's work? I read  The Kiss of Death  first, therefore any connections of  Peter  with the lores of the  Shadow Queen  was lost. Besides,  Peter  didn't show up until at the near 10 pages or so. It started with  Marko , and the adventure he reluctantly chose to embark. I noticed there's a certain pattern in Marcus Sedgwick 's works, at least in what I've read so far. I can't really explain it because the words are jumbled up in my brain, like a lot of things I understand but cannot put into words. Obviously I need to work on my vocabularies. Regardless of that, the warm light of comprehension and familiarity is soothing to a bookworm's heart. Like a nightlight to a child who's afraid to sleep in the dark. I'd love to collect the rest of his work.  Blood Red Snow White ,  Revolver ,  The Dark Flight Down ,  The Foreshadowing ...

Ah, well. It happens once in a while in the path of solidarity. It's a grim acceptance, pushing down the loneliness once in a blue moon when you've chosen to be, well, alone.   Sometimes you might even say it's chosen for you. Although technically 18 is considered a very legal age for almost everything, as my lecturer once said, as long as our age number starts with 1 , we're still basically kids . Can't say she's wrong there. *shrugs* We do still harbor our inner childishness in things we do and feel. Some still acts like immature brats , even. Most of us haven't got enough strong of a grip of our emotions. But then again, I think that's a question for the human population at large. A particularly annoying friend keeps telling me that there's a person out there who someday will love me for me. Accept me and everything that comes with it. He's perceptive of my swift change of mood and adapt to my temperamental behaviour. (She's il...

I'm upset. The first time for this year that I am upset at home. It's not his fault, really. It's not. I just...-I'm not... I-I.. *takes a deep breath* I'm just upset.. Is all. It was my choice to tell him. The truth. Everything. I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, for me to explain. Because that would mean re-opening my wounds and scars for him to see. But.. well.. It's not his fault. I don't blame him. I want to take this secret to my grave, and it's horribly selfish of me but I don't want to be the one to break it to my parents. So I had other people do it for me. He looked like he didn't want to keep this on his own, but I told him that he could tell anyone he wants -my parents, my family, my relatives, whoever related to me- after I die. Some of them may have a hunch that something is wrong with me. I don't give a shit. So long as it doesn't have to come outta my mouth. I asked Kei out today, for the...

Home is food. Food is home. My basic. Possibly also my sister's. Because home is where real food is made. Hehehehehe. Nothing like Mom's cooking to make the world a better place to live. Seeing your family's face is also a good refresher, to remind that living isn't all that bad. Minus the annoyance of that we call my fucktard of a brother. But who gives a fuck about him. He can rot in a hole where the sun doesn't shine for all I care. Now that I'm home and I can noogie the shit outta my baby bro and try all things to scare my baby sis and eat Mom's cooking and laugh at Dad's silly antics and talk everything with my sis I feel like my life is perfect . Suddenly, living as a human doesn't feel so bad anymore. I've got my Speaking test for MUET in a few days but meh . I mean, of course I'll try and study and get that Band 4, but doesn't mean I'll sacrifice any of my family time for that. I sacrificed enough by studying a...

Yyyyyyyeah, I've been binge-watching American Horror Stories ever since a classmate recommended it to me. But I can't understand the plot so far so I stopped for a while. I can't understand what the fuck is wrong with Tate Langdon . Creepy fucker. Even if he's cute as shit. Yeah he's dead and one of the upstanding member of the Ghost Society in Murder House and he was a terrorist who killed quite a number of kids in his school which resulted in their ghosts haunting his ghostly ass but what I can't get is why is he protecting Violet when he's killed all of the residents in the Murder House before? Why is he killing all of them, actually? To add up the members in the Ghost Resident of Murder House? Pretty sure Clarence's a sick witch. I get that he's protecting Violet probably because he likes her at some point though still it's debatable whether his feelings -if he even has them- is real or just manipulative. I started from th...

We finished our last paper today. And with that, our first term of TESL Foundation has ended. But I'm pretty nervous about my coming MUET though. My Speaking test is on 9th October, Thursday, a week after I get home. It's compulsory that we pass a Band 4 to get into the Degree program. If we don't.... we'll have to apply for a Diploma and go through the same thing all over again.  And, we have to pay back the earlier allowance. RM1,250. But, I'll cross the bridge when I get to it. ^^ Right now, I just want to enjoy whatever it is I have. While I'm not being depressed and negative and shit. LOL I'm going to BBW tomorrow!!!! xDD Can't wait! Tomorrow's the last day, too. It's in Seremban. Pasaraya Rapid Seremban 2, if I'm not mistaken. It's an hour or so a trip by KTM from Padang Jawa to Seremban. Mom put a limit of RM200. I put a limit of no more than 20 books because unfortunately, I don't have enough space to cram t...

Actually, my physical outlook goes more to Derek than Stiles eventhough my personality practically screams STILES. I have this scary killer-on-loose face that makes people cower on sight.  It happens.  No shit.  I get the ;  “smile a bit! You look like you’re strangling someone with your hands and enjoying it ” and “are you pissed off today?”  a nd  “why do you look like someone pissed in your coffee?” and  the most common and original would be “omg I’m sorry please don’t kill me I’m too young/beautiful/rich/other adjectives to die” .  Today I just got a new one.  “Farah looks like a doll……. The scary one.”  I can’t blame her really because I’m used to get those kinds of comments. Though I have to say that was the most near to a compliment about my physical than I have ever got to listen. Besides, the person –she’s my classmate, and, she’s got that naïve, sweet, lovable by everyone personality.  A...