Some said I'm a lone wolf.Well maybe I am.
Mom told me that once.She said that I'm a born lone wolf,and I think that maybe I got that from her.Mom's not a sociopath and she's not people-phobic like Onee-san and I.But sometimes I would see her alone in pictures taken candidly.
There's one that showed Mom sitting alone by the window at a conference or a meeting or something in the school hall while the tables in front and back were filled with pairs and groups.Hers was empty.
Of course,I knew the picture by heart since myself was in the same position so many times I didn't bother counting.Mostly,I preferred being alone when I'm uncomfortable in crowds.Needless to say,I'm always uncomfortable in crowds.
Sometimes I would want someone beside me,to ward off my uneasiness with.He or she who could make me feel comfortable even with noisy humans buzzing around us.
Or rather,I could just take out a book and read,ignoring the reason of my uneasiness until I was absorbed in the plot and nothing else matters.
Even when sometimes I get scared being alone and the temptation to call out to someone-anyone-was tremendously inviting,I would try and try my best to shut my lips and curl up on the bed and block everything from my view.Maybe,even though I'm a lone wolf,I still need a pack.
I push that need away.Far,far away.
I won't trust anyone outside my family.And my family trusts me that I could do well on my own,and I can.I have always had.
People around you just keep hurting you,over and over.What was the point in believing anymore? They would just tell lies to get your wall down and then tore you apart when you did.Lies.Lies.Lies.
I want so much to believe that.Yet I can't.
When someone I care about says the same thing,the same words,to me,I feel sad,all the same.I didn't want to care,yet I do.
I'm so pathetic.
There's one that showed Mom sitting alone by the window at a conference or a meeting or something in the school hall while the tables in front and back were filled with pairs and groups.Hers was empty.
Of course,I knew the picture by heart since myself was in the same position so many times I didn't bother counting.Mostly,I preferred being alone when I'm uncomfortable in crowds.Needless to say,I'm always uncomfortable in crowds.
Sometimes I would want someone beside me,to ward off my uneasiness with.He or she who could make me feel comfortable even with noisy humans buzzing around us.
Or rather,I could just take out a book and read,ignoring the reason of my uneasiness until I was absorbed in the plot and nothing else matters.
Even when sometimes I get scared being alone and the temptation to call out to someone-anyone-was tremendously inviting,I would try and try my best to shut my lips and curl up on the bed and block everything from my view.Maybe,even though I'm a lone wolf,I still need a pack.
I push that need away.Far,far away.
I won't trust anyone outside my family.And my family trusts me that I could do well on my own,and I can.I have always had.
I want so much to believe that.Yet I can't.
When someone I care about says the same thing,the same words,to me,I feel sad,all the same.I didn't want to care,yet I do.
I'm so pathetic.
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