AkImA No NiKkI

sooo I was thinking, (don't strain yourself.) -oh,har de bloody har,shut up you stupid mind - maybe I should cut some slack on the coffee.Lately I've been having trouble sleeping.It's kinda weird,normally it does nothing to my sleep cycle.Maybe it's catching up in my system. I miss Qie and Wa .I've started my driving lessons though I still have a long way to go.I promised Qie I'll come over soon as I get my license.Don't want to cut it too close to March,you see.There's not much time left. Onee-san is going back this afternoon and God,please help me because that stupid shit will be schooling close to home which means he's either going to SMK TM1 or SMK TM2 .God,grant me strength .Pretty sure I'll soon would rather blow my head than spend another minute under the same roof with him - that shit. the Big Bad Wolf Book Festival was great! xDD we bought tons of books and a pair of Big Bad Wolf tee-shirts.It's currently my favourite. x33 I...

I've been known to throw careless terms of endearments around my..acquaintances.Girls,especially,because I kind of had in mind of a picture of girly feminine females when it comes to normal non-otaku female acquaintances.So far no one called me on it,because between us,that's hardly weird. When I started shipping Stony,I recognized(and quite enjoyed the fluff of it) how Tony casually throws the word "honey" and "sweetheart" to Steve and damn if it's not the cutest most lovable thing I've ever read in my life.I love it when he does that-calls Steve sweet names that is.It's so cute. xD Usually I don't start it on purpose unless the other party initiates.Sometimes,it just rolls off of my tongue.Well,as far as I'm concerned,Dibah insisted calling me-I don't know how or   when or what gorged her mind to even think of that nickname- "princess" no matter how many times I tried to change it down.I've had weird nicknames bef...

Promises are hard to keep though they are easily broken. Some promises were even meant to BE broken just like lies are made to cover the truth. I always tell people to never make promises they can't keep because it's fucking bullshit to clean up the mess later and I try my best to not make any.And even if I do,that's because I believe I'll try my damnedest to keep it. I don't make a lot of promises,but the ones I had had not yet been broken. I promised I'd make Mom and Dad happy. I promised to love my family before any other human. I promised Wa and Qie we'd stay together. And that was it,so far.

So,ignoring a few(lots) unhealthy amount of shipping and reading fanfics,my routines have straightened out pretty well.I've started to sleep late rather than the usual 11-12 and wake up late too.Sometimes early,sometimes later.And coffee every night is a must.Gotta make up for a lot of nights spent without it.^^ Dad loves my coffee and I love them myself.Tho I think it's not purely 100% coffee.I mixed it up with Milo so I guess it makes them Neslo? I didn't think they're sweet,Dad thinks they're sweet eventho I just put half of teaspoon of milk.Meh.who cares? they still taste just as good. xD I haven't started taking the car license yet.Mom said I should take it on January,so I will.A month or two after that,then I'll get to go see my wife and daughter.I'm staying home until then,savoring my freedom.Maybe I get bored one or two time but there's always the books to cheer me up.And more to come when we-Onee-san and I-get back from the book festival. ...

When I was a child,I could never speak much to people. I preferred to keep silent in my groups and watched them exchange conversations instead.Sometimes I pay attention,and sometimes not at all.My peers,my groups,know that I don't talk much. One question,one answer. I like to speak in my books.But I couldn't write then,so I drew a lot.I had so many sketch books,uncountable doodle books,and immeasurable stray papers. Of course,I didn't just magically start drawing okay.It started with little stick people which then grew shapes and hairs and faces and contours of bodies.My drawings are never nearly as good as Onee-san's,like all my talents are,but it gave me a way to run. A place to hide.Before I could write,I could draw,and it was all I needed to speak. And so is rain. A stray thought glided through my subconscious sleep last night when I was starting to drive into oblivion.It was something of elements. Fire. Water. Hot. Cold. Summer. Rain. Onee-san. Me....

Well,that's done and done.Eventhough I'd seen it coming-had it coming,too-,it didn't take the hurt away any less.There's no point softening the blow. Huh.Guess I'm a bit masochist myself. But that got nothing to do with this part.No tears shed and no feelings lost.No casualties done whatsoever,it was just a bump in the road.I was going to do this anyway no matter what.It should be easy enough with the right...way.Although 'right' is nothing sort of an appropriate word to describe killing your feelings. I decided this long time ago after Akira's incident.I've spent too much time standing up again after Hideki,the stab unpredicted and raw.I was just the naive 14 years old girl I just found after being so happy with Qie and Wa and the betrayal torn me apart.I thought I was strong enough to keep standing but clearly I was wrong and stupid to have thought that I needed help.Especially from Akira. With this,it seemed stupid to rely on anyone anymore...

Stirred up feelings are the worst.You can't decide what is what and your decision could be entirely faulty to yourself and the people around you.It's all muddled up and I thought I'd gone through the worst of it all.There's always more,now,in the future. I know what's it's going to be. I can see the answers,and chance it's correct is boarding around 78%.Told you I'm a bit of psychic.Haha,kidding.Just that I can give a good guess. When I say that it's a disaster witing to happen...Well,it most likely is.I'm tired of waiting for him to pop out.I just want this to end so that we could go back to chatting animes like we used to. Just like Tony,I'm afraid that I would lose this thing,this friendship,this comfort we have.Yes,a little bit of rejection too but I'd known it was coming.He'd said it before.This one's entirely on me. Unlike *Hideki when we spent our childhood together being in each other's space 24/7 and growing ...

YATTTAAAAAA~!!!!! XDDDD ITS OVER ~!!! FINALLY OVER ~!!!!! XDDD SPM IS FINALLY OVER~!!!! XDDD I am now officially a free person~!!! X"D *sob*sob* so touching.... (TTwTT) The moment I've been waiting for all my sad sad highschool life..The end of it! XD  Can't believe its all over now..xD no more freaking addclasses..no more teachers..tho that one's likely to be missed .Can't say I won't miss having other people shoulder the burden over our petty problems. Hahaha~ xPP Besides,the teachers at SMK TM(1) are all very dedicated and loving persons,unlike most people who have the guts to call themselves 'educators' but were really only after the satisfaction of driving kids to live their life their way.Like leeches.Or parasites . Those teachers are the very reason we all get to answer our papers quite well,if I may say so.They earned our respect ,our loyalty ,and our love .For every single sensei that had taught me,thank you so much. Rahimah-s...

Okay,that is IT .I've had enough with these overgrown ridiculousness that disguises itself in the form of so-called LOVE .As Onee-san had been repeating herself for the last 15minutes and which I agreed ;we scorn everything there is about love. This is bullshit. I can't even have crushes anymore after this.I thought crushes were safe as long as they didn't come true and with that in mind,I never thought of an alternative if they ever do.Which is so fucking bullshit. Note to self: never grow feelings for those unrelated by blood. God I wish there're buttons for that and screw it if I sound very much like Tony right now because it's impossible for the guy to not rub off on me when I've been reading his fanfics with Captain freaking America aka Steve Rogers for at least a good couple of months now.Yes,I so very wish there's an 'OFF' button for these things. This is a mistake waiting to be done.A disaster waiting to be called. I shoul...

I never hoped. Never dared .For all I knew,crushes aren't meant to come true.I mean,yeah,I've had probably more than enough crushes.But not once I have ever given them one thought that any of them would come true. Crushes weren't suppose to come true. That's why they're called 'crushes' .That's the way how I see it. And besides,it's one-sided.I never hoped for anything and I was quite content with the way things were.I'd rather we stayed friends than to lose this one friendship.It would be a big loss considering he's my intel on animes. Occasionally,I'd come across a good anime but that would mean lots of time wasted strolling for one.It would've been a helluva easier way to just ask what's hot from him. Honestly,I didn't even think that it was possible.The 'thou-shalt-not-fall-for-thy-soulmates' thing is definitely crap. I've never seen his face.Never even heard his voice but all of that seems unimportant ...

Only two more days.Mom and Dad's coming home! xD Ureshiii~~~ xDD Oh,pish.I don't want to talk about exams now.I mean,it's only BM so far and Art objective paper was quite easier than Trials.Tomorrow's English so I don't have much to worry except for Literature. Mom called this morning when I was rushing up things because I woke up late to school.Because I was rushing,my vocabularies were lessened into a line of "yeah,Mom" and "Okay,Mom" and "Hmmm,Mom." and "Love you,Mom." and "Bye,Mom.". By the time I arrived at school,my phone was vibrating in my pocket and I'd only checked it out after BM's paper 1.It was Dad and he sent a text.Probably because I didn't picked up.I can't.I was stomping in the rain to the damn hall. Daddy said they wishes me all the best and that I'll always be the best for them now and forever and they love us all very much with seven kisses.I almost went "Aww.....

Guess it's only right that something that disastrous have its after-effects.Even little stuff have them,much less long and terrible ones. And the after-effects of my horrible pressures are health. Degrading health.Right on the eleventh hour when I'm going to sit my stupid ass for SPM tomorrow morning . I missed class today. See,my period was late for a month and a half and by now,I was expecting it to turn up AFTER SPM's over,which means I would have no reason to stress or whatever by then.But then,I had this weird sort-of hungover feeling after being crazily slaphappy last night and crashed in the room upstairs. Around 4,I woke up involuntarily and went to the toilet to pee.And there's blood staring at me in the face.I changed,rather oddly,and went back to sleep.I woke up at the sound of my aunt knocking the door and asking whether I have class today. I looked around blindly and zoomed in on my phone. Oh shit .I shot up and there's this weird feeling in my ...

I wouldn't actually say that 'tired' and 'sleepy' are the best descriptions of my current condition right now because apparently,I'm too hyped for that.I don't know why.Maybe I'm slaphappy. I think I had some pretty decent sleep a few days ago but who knows? I was part-awake all the time.By now,I figured slaphappy is the best thing that could happen so far. Easily hyped,easily irritated. I went home after class today to check on the house and feed Noeru and Bocco.As usual,the kitchen looks like shit.I was very irritated and annoyed beyond belief but decided to save my breath for another day. I'm tired of going back and forth every one or two days. I'm tired of waking up early to go to the damn class,I mean,for God's sake give us a fucking break ,we have to sit our goddamn asses for SPM in just few more fucking hours ! Give us some fucking time to BREATHE ! God! Look up,see and nod. I'm tired of having to know that the shit...

It feels nice to go home once in a while where I feel the safest and most comfortable around my own area but at the same time,there's this continuous buzzing noise in my head making everything seems complicated and messy than it really is. Ever since the little shithead came home bringing trails of smelly troubles behind his stupid lopsided ass,home feels equally revolting as it is comforting.It feels tainted by his very own presence. Even my own room.My very own sanctuary.My very own private space.It feels like I can't breathe,both metaphorically and literally because the smokes are a constant company of the house nowadays.I hate that little bullshit. He had to crush every little peace I have in my life.I wish Mom had drowned him before he was born.I wish he hadn't BEEN born. Before,I think that he destroys everything in his path because he can't help it.Because he didn't know.I didn't blame him for all the scars and wounds he caused me and my belongings b...

It happened a while back but it's not like I was in any suitable condition to write about it.Of course,my interpretations of it was all lost during the time of my depressed state.I mean,renewed news of my love life is hardly a contributing factor to my struggle of sanity-safekeeping. Not actually renewed,though..And I doubt it's even official. *roll eyes* It's like Tae Hee and Ja Eun when her reply to his confession had only been a "Yes,let's go.." .Even I was baffled. I don't understand his meaning that night and I don't intend on bringing it up any time sooner. Maybe ,after exam ends. I don't know if 'we' would ever happen,much else last.Because,for one,I had never in my wildest dream could have predicted this. My thoughts were "no way in freaking hell it will happen.Maybe after hell freezes over." whenever a stray thought of possibility creeps into my head. I mean,it's just,way,way too impossible.for me. ...

I miss Mom and Dad. And Onee-san. I mean,duhh,Mom and Dad had been away for more than a month already but it is a bit irrational to miss Nee-san when she had just left like,a few days ago.What can I say? At the very least I had someone to interact normally with without a single  wince. Today's Friday.Four days left until exam. Frankly,I don't really care about it.It's just an exam,like any other had been.The only thing's different is the questions. I just want it to be over.Like,pronto.God knows how long we've all waited for the day it finally ends.I'd be dancing a freaking hula hoop outside the hall once the last paper is collected. Eventhough Onee-san told me to tell her if anything happens stat,I can't really bring myself to do it.She's on her exam,and I'm not really that selfish nor stupid to crash on her whenever I have my stupid outbreaks. I'm....Paranoid,is probably the closest word to describe it.Afraid of the littlest stuff that...

God,after all of this is over,please let me sleep in peace.Not that I particularly have trouble sleeping..Well,maybe a little. It's like I'm asleep,but awake at the same time.Drifting in between.Naturally,the sound of a person's slow breathing calms me down,given that I grew up sharing a room with my sister.Of course,I still could sleep well after she went to her IPG now and then. I'm a hugger. I sleep with hugging stuff. Especially,my pillow. Yes,I know it's childish and odd for someone my age.People might even think I'm still stuck in my childhood memories.I just like to hug to sleep,what's wrong with that? I still keep that one pillow Mom gave me as a gift when I was four. It was big,and it had a lot of 'scars',courtesy of my stupid brother.He'd use it as a hostage whenever he's mad at me when we were kids,knowing I love it so much that I'd sleep with it.And I still do. Mark my words that when I go to continue my study,it sha...

For once,I think before I act.I do seem to do reckless things sometimes when something requires me to.And I feel calm.Very...serene. beats me. *shrugs* my brother came to apologize but I deemed he needs a little bit more suffering.Teaches him that every little thing has its consequences.The little pile of shit deserved it. Anger clouds my brain and pressure only breaks my neck.But even so,I'll still have to keep calm and stand my ground. Exam really is the last thing on my list of worries.I mean,I never worry whether I'll do good or bad in it.I only worry about that AFTER it's all set and done. My thing about exam is you just have to give it all you've got.There's nothing to it.Give it every single thing and every single effort.Then,all you can do is pray. That's exam for me. Doing good or bad,doesn't really cover it.As long as I have given it all I have,then that's fine by me.Even if I didn't reach my quotas. Pressure and stress have flow...

I know I have to be strong. And yes,the betrayal felt like acid poured straight onto the top of my heart.It felt a thousand times fold because he was my own brother. My family . But that doesn't matter anymore. He was stupid,like all brain-dead teenagers his age and I don't give a shit if he wants to choke himself to death.As long as he doesn't drag us down with him.Cigarette's smokes CAN kill and that's a full owned fact,you bitch. I don't give a fucking rat's ass. Because I have more important stuff to give a fuck about other than a stupid teenager who has a dying wish. I have to be strong.For myself. I found strength in Onee-san's words and consoles.Onee-san has always been so strong,which is why I've always admired her.I have great respect for strong people.And in her strength,I found mine. I am going to ace SPM for Mom and Dad,and I am going to stand my ground for my sister.Because she had to shoulder the responsibility of keeping ...

Most of my essays for exams and for public's innocent eyes are romantic,sappy,and very sentimental.I like to write sad stories.Because I think that happy-ever-after is bullshit.Yeah,shoot me. But then again,sometimes I write them too,when I feel like having a change.When I read them over,I thought,people who read this must think I'm a hopeless romantic.Well,there's the ironicity of it,no? I'm anything BUT romantic and romantic type guys are definitely NOT on my list.I told ya I'm skeptic when it comes to romance. Gah,it's so ironic. A romance skeptic writing about romance.Bwahahahahaha~!! x'DD If I make a draft and publish a book,it'll be so hilarious.Tho that possibility is nowhere near   is going to be real in reality because for one,I wouldn't even know what to write about.Given choices,it'll probably be about Qie and Wa or better,a twisted revelation of sisterhood and alter egos. There's no fucking way I'll write a romance be...

I re-watched Hayao Miyazaki 's productions for the umpteenth time.It never fails to amaze me, Spirited Away and Whisper of Heart .I would've watched The Cat Returns too but I figure,maybe another time. Somehow,it gave me light.A new perspective. Of course,Hayao-san's productions always seems to entail a silver lining beneath it.A general perspectives of life. Nowadays,people would scorn and snicker at these sentences,because it sounds so old and wisey.Something you'd expect Gandalf or Dumbledore or other wisey,oldy,wizards or maybe just an old man.But see,that's where they're wrong. Because it is old,it is wise. Not all,of course,but most.You can never be too sure of anything.Skeptics,you know,there are litters of them these days.Even I'm a skeptic.But only when it comes to romance.Basically,I'm open to almost anything. I still feel guilty for what had happened to him.What he'd chosen. It's so like me to take the blame even if it i...

I have trust issues.Believe me,I do. Outside than family,the people I trust are those of who I'd let myself been seen plain and bared without the masks I use to protect me. That's why,I want to do this alone. Well,not entirely alone since I have God with me but I mean,alone without people who I have to use another 'me' for. It's easy outside when I can always turn into an alter ego because it's automatic when I step out of the house.It's also automatic around people. I don't think of doing it,I just do it out of instinct.Like a sea anemone would do when confronted by a tresspasser.They shut out. They were a great help and I appreciate it,but I'd rather not to have to be an alter ego inside my own house.It's already tiring that I have to do it outside,too. Onee-san trusts me. Maybe not much,but at least there's more than 0.01%.She worries,just like Mom,but her trust at the very least I wouldn't say overcome,but rather passes it...

I'm getting more breakdown as I get older.That's definitely going to be a big issue.Namely,a big pain in the ass in the future.Urgh. Okay,it's bullshit,I get it,but it's not like I can help the damn thing.When it comes,it comes.I didn't expect the dams to break that easily nor that suddenly. Should I warrant a warning to inner 'me's to,next time,give me a freaking heads up if they want to issue a big BREAKDOWN! Fuck,guys! I thought we're in this together! we are. we just thought that you'd stop us,what with covering ourselves with the presence of people. yeah,good that you know.Can't you just postpone it to some other time? You know I have to still wear the mask.Until we're alone.You scared her out,guys. we can't.You were breaking.If we'd let you,others will get affected.This isn't the most normal shit we had,man. we had to be on guard,more than usual. *exhales* This's what I get for consulting my alter egos con...

It's been 3 days since Mom and Dad went.As expected,I cried (wailed actually) just as soon as I got home.I managed to barely contain it when we send them off at the hotel,missed a few tears on the cheeks,deciding that it's better to do it in privacy. When Mia cried for Mom,it was tugging at the water dams. I suppose I was paranoid with their absence.I dreaded the day for months.And I dreaded the next 2 months also,imagining how weird it will be to have my routines scrambled to a more suitable schedule.It's already starting. Having Dibah at home comes as a nice help.At least the presence of another living being calms me down.It relaxes me to know that I still have someone to take care of.Don't ask. Muzakkir is still at home,he goes back to his hostel tomorrow.I can't say whether it's a plus or a minus having him here. He's not really helpful with anything,but,that's practically expectable from any teenager boys his age. *roll eyes* teenagers. I...

why is it that everytime we fight,I'm the one that always end up crying? it's like I can't stand up to her no matter how I try. Her words hurt like always,and I cry myself to sleep like always after our fights.

I sent a few early preparations of something like a last will last night to few who I consider precious to me in my life.It was nothing big,just some sorry-s and all that.Maybe it was a reaction from something that Mom said. They're leaving for Hajji this Wednesday,leaving the house for me alone.Mukhlis and Mia will stay with my aunt,Muzakkir and Onee-san at their hostels. A friend will come and stay with me on school nights with her parents' consent and Onee-san will come home with the kids during weekends. hmmm..... Mom was dead worried about me staying home,even threatened to get me a freaking babysitter if I don't find someone to stay over with. Thank God I did. I'm okay with all this stuff,but watching Mom fusses over my safety kinda got me worried,too.The neighbourhood's not really that safe.I get why's she worried. Well,my house HAD been broken into,twice.And so did my neighbour,once.Though nobody got hurt,we did lose some valuables...

Trial's over for a few days now.So not interested in seeing the marks,just in case I puke from fear.Who knows? I may or may not have done well like I thought I did. Just had a fight with Kyo last night. Gah. What is wrong with that guy? For all the time I knew him,we've fought a lot of times.Usually because of misunderstanding on both parts.I don't understand his perception as he does not mine. I don't know what do we do during these fights.Do we let them dissolve in time or strain to solve it there and then? Besides,he likes to bring up things. We've been friends since we were,what,10? something like that.I figured we could never work because of the too big of a difference between us,but,hey,it did. I was brute (well,still kinda am.) and ignorant while he was the shy,untalkative,geeky kind of kid.It didn't seem like we'd click. Which is why it surprised the hell outta me when he tried to befriend me.It was freaking weird. The clincher of our fight...